Scene 139

(Scene opens outdoors, sound of traffic, birds, etc.)

BUT: So, I see we’ve got the sound effects thing figured out.

PAZ: So, that’s what the inside of a warehouse is supposed to sound like?

BUT: I was being sarcastic for Christ’s sakes.

MIK: Oh, faith and a lamb, we can’t take the Lord’s name in vain! Sure and I’d rather you cut me legs off at the knee with a nail file and stomp me to death with me own feet.

PAZ: I don’t think that will be necessary, Mike. Maybe we could just apologize…

MIK: Oh, apologizing is it? I’d rather you cut off me head and spun it around quick so’s I could watch me own headless body drop to the ground.

BUT: Doesn’t that seem a bit excessive, Mike?

MIK: Excessive? EXCESSIVE? To please the Lord? Excessive would be to have you take down the crucifix from the wall and have me do this and you ram it…

ALL: WE GET THE IDEA, Mike!

BLI: Why does he have to be so gross all the time?

BUT: He’s just passionate about the way he feels, I guess.

PAZ: Getting back to this warehouse…

(SFX: Cattle, jets, babies crying, typewriters, car racing, bird songs)

BLI: Lookout! That number 43(or whatever is Tony Stuart) car almost hit me.

PAZ: Better luck next time.

BLI: Shut up Pazlo. You wouldn’t want to end up in the bread line.

PAZ: Bread line, soup line, buffet line…as long as it’s food. We haven’t eaten for like 12 or 15 scenes.

BLI: Most of us.

PAZ: Okay, Mike. We need you to lead us to where they were keeping the guy locked up.

MIK: Aye. Right down this corridor to the elevator. Through these doors here…

(SFX: music, sirens, anything but a door opening)

BUT: Great sound effects.

BLI: That’s what you get for hiring Sunbright rejects.

PAZ: I didn’t know Stewart came from Sunbright.

BLI: That’s not all you don’t know, too.

MIK: Now it gets pretty dark down in here, sure as yer born.

PAZ: What does that mean, exactly “Sure as you’re born”? I mean, you wouldn’t be talking to me if I wasn’t born.

MIK: You see the wisdom in it, then. A fine boy.

BUT: All these doors look the same. How do you know where Marsh is being held?

MIK: Well, it’s down here somewhere, sure enough. I’d stake me own name on it. I’d stake me brother’s name on it. But not my father’s. Oh, he was a no-account bastard from the old days. Thought nothin’ of keepin’ us kids squirreled away in that house, isolated.

BUT: Well, you were home-schooled in a mansion. It’s not exactly like it was tough on you.

MIK: Oh, the days on end! Breakfast, lessons, nap, lunch, lessons, supper. Over and over. Torture!

PAZ: That pretty much describes like an idyllic life…

MIK: But if you lived it! Rather I’d have you pull my intestines out through my nose and make me smell ‘em.

PAZ: Oh, God, here we go.

MIK: Rather you sawed off my arms and beat me to death with them.

BUT: Okay, Mike. Maybe you could stop there.

MIK: Better you chop off my leg and sharpen it like a spear and jam it far up…

ALL: THANK YOU, Mike.

PAZ: We, uh, get the idea.

BLI: Get the idea? It’s gross! Why is he so gross?

BUT: It’s a cultural thing, I guess.

(SFX: A ship’s bell, boat whistle, tires screeching)

BLI: Look, the door is opening. Not that you could tell by the SOUND EFFECTS!

PAZ: Alright, everybody freeze!

MORitorium: Stay right where you are or you won’t get hurt!

BUT: You mean “Stay where you are or you WILL get hurt.”

MOR: What? Are you prepared to not die?

PAZ: You mean “Are you not prepared to die?”

BUT: No, I don’t think that’s it.

PAZ: Sure, it’s like a double-negative.

MOR: Silence! Morons!

BLI: Don’t lump me in with them. This is just my day job. I’m not gonna die for it.

PAZ: I’ll kill you for that myself!

MOR: Stop! Shut up! I am the great and powerful…no that’s trite. Wizard of Oz. I AM Professor Moritorium. You shall…

BLI: Wait, wait. The fat guy’s talking, I can’t hear.

PAZ: Probably the bad sound effects.

MOR: How am I supposed to make my big entrance if you guys keep walking all over my lines?

MIK: I guess you shoulda thought about that before you married the Devil, eh?

ALL: What?

MIK: As my dear sainted mother would say: “Close the damned door you stupid kids!”

(SFX: door slamming)

BUT: So, all of a sudden you get the right sound effects?

PAZ: Who turned out the lights?

(SFX: a fight ensues, breaking glass, maybe a gunshot)

BLI: Help! Help! I’m being repressed! (gagged, mumbling: mum mum mum)

PAZ: Alright. Do you really think they had to write out “mum mum mum” for Blinds mumbling.

BUT: Well, he doesn’t do well without stage direction. His ad-lib skills are weak.

PAZ: Yeah, but “mum mum mum”? I mean, how about “Gning mnm mummavum”? Now there’s some creative writing.

MIK: Don’t look now, but I think your sister’s been nabbed by those goons!

PAZ: My sister? Blinds? This isn’t another plot twist, is it?

BUT: Paz, they’re taking Blinds!

MIK: Blinds? But there’s not window one in this place, lad.

BUT: No, Blinds the twittering dingbat who doesn’t know what you’re doing here.

PAZ: Do you think Blinds could really be my sister?

BUT: Well, he was adopted. Anyways…we better get after those goons before Blinds is killed!

PAZ: Wait! You can’t do that to my sister! I’ll kill ‘em.

MIK: Aye! Murder’s a sin, son. You can’t be talking like that! Surely I’d rather have my ears cut off and taped to a fire siren ‘til I was deaf, rather than hear you talk like that.

BUT: Oh, geez.

MIK: Rather you’d pop out my eyes and set my head on fire and blind me with the flames as I watch.

PAZ: Okay, Mike. We get that you’re serious about it.

MIK: I’d rather you took a Bosch Bulldog Hammer drill with an 18-inch mortar bit, about three-quarters inch diameter, and set that thing on hammer and take it and put it right…

ALL: OKAY! OKAY! Thank you, Mike.

PAZ: Blinds was right. He is kinda gross.

BUT: Well I didn’t hire him, so don’t look at me.

PAZ: Wait. How do those two things fit together? What’s the correlary?

BUT: What?

PAZ: You didn’t hire him, and I can’t look at you. Why the two concepts stuck together? What happens if I look at you? (pesty) I’m looking at you. See? Look, look, look, look

BUT: Yup. Real mature.

PAZ: Na-na-na-na-na…I’m still looking at you. Still looking! Still…

(a brief pause followed by the sound of someone falling ten feet onto junk you’d have outside a studio)

BUT: You should have been looking where you were walking. (Shouting) Alright, I’m taking off after Blinds and the goons. Maybe you’ll catch up?

PAZ: (voice distant): Yep. I’m okay! It’s alright. I’m alright! Just a little blood. Or is that taco sauce?

BUT: Oh, boy. Now if I can get this crazy car started. Zuzu? Start the engines.

ZUZ: There is only one engine, Mr.Butto.

BUT: Well, start the engine then. I gotta go!

ZUZ: Do you wish me to wait until after you’ve relieved yourself?

BUT: Not that kinda go. We need to make tracks! Go! After those goons!

ZUZ: Where do you want to make tracks? Or did you mean “record tracks”?

BUT: No, I mean let’s go! After those goons!

ZUZ: Did you mean “loons”?

BUT: Goons! Bad guys! Go! After them!

ZUZ: Bad guys go after goons? Please rephrase your question in the form of a question.

BUT: Can we go now?

ZUZ: Yes.

(silence)

BUT: So… going now? Come on. You can do it!

ZUZ: Do you wish to accelerate toward the loons?

BUT: Toward the GOONS! Yes! Accelerate.

(SFX: rocket engines, screeching tires, noise galore, super-speed Zuzu tearing down the road)

BUT: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

(Zuzu & screaming Butto fade off into the distance)

PAZ: Wow. That only hurt a lot. Say, where is everybody?

STEWART: They went to look at the loons with Mr.Butto.

PAZ: Loons? Like Blinds?

STE: Yes.

MIK: It looks like your friends held onto your friend and took off with your friend.

PAZ: Yes, I…wait a minute…I don’t have any friends! You’re an imposter!

MIK: No impasto, no. I dabble a bit in oils, but mostly it’s watercolors. After me kinsman, Frank Clark.

PAZ: As in Frank Clark’s Paint Box? You know Frank Clark?

MIK: Oh, me and Frank go way back. We were in third grade together. Yes, plenty of afternoons on the hall bench. Plenty of recesses spent being whacked with a ruler.

PAZ: Your teachers hit you with a yardstick?

MIK: No a ruler! Sometimes it would be Queen Elizabeth, sometimes Sheik Ahmad.

PAZ: (narrating:) Now I really needed a plan. Actually, I needed a plan a lot earlier. I mean a plan for the plot. Not a health plan. Pots and pans. A man with a plan. Stan the plan-man…

STE: Mr.Pazlo?

PAZ: Scan the land for a plan man. Making a plan. Planning.

STE: Excuse me, Mr.Pazlo?

PAZ: Yes, Stewart. What is it? You’re interrupting our recording session here, y’know.

STE: Yeah, the session ended about five minutes ago. We need to clear the studio for the jingle people.

PAZ: The Jango People? From the Amazon? My dear old friend Garza?

STE: JINGLE! JINGLE! The people who sing the jingles, from Sunbright.

PAZ: Sunbright? What are they doing here?

STE: Well, they’re remodeling over at Sunbright. New lights, windows, Blinds.

BLI: I’ve been kidnapped, Stewart, not installed at Sunbright.

PAZ: Wait! Why would we let people from Sunbright use our studio? They’re our direct competition! What jingles are they recording?

STE: Billy Fermento’s. And Mom Mocady’s Taco and Small Arms Stand. And Presto.

PAZ: Oh. Um…I gotta go.

STE: Okay. But what about these air ferns?

Mr. Pazlo?

Mr.Pazlo? Hello?

ANNOUNCER: Perhaps you’ll have the grave misfortune of joining us for our next exciting episode of The Adventures of Butto and Pazlo and also Blinds the flittering wheezbag.

STE: That’s a long title. Good thing we’re not on TV.

BLI: Who put in the flittering wheezbag bit? Wait ‘til I get my hands on ‘em. Where are you?

ANNC: We’d like to thank our sponsors for bringing us tonight’s episode. We’d like to, but we don’t have a sponsor since Sulphur-Wonder Polish dropped us like a hot potato.

BLI: Did you say potatoes? I love potatoes.

<SCENE END>

[Theme music]

PAZ: After the commercial, we crept down the back alleys to the warehouse.

MIKE O'HANLIHAN: (Irish accent) Hold up there, lads. This is private property!

PAZ: Oh, hi. Mick Pazlo, Private Investigator.

MIK: Mike O'Hanlihan, Private Security Guard. You boys aren't going to make me shoot you now, are ye?

BLI: NO! NO! Don't shoot! I surrender! I did it! I confess!

BUT: Shut up, Blinds.

MIK: Is that Russell Blinds, really?

PAZ: You know him?

MIK: Sure an' I do! Knitters Hall of Famer, right?

BLI: (blushing) Why, yes. As a matter of fact. Three times Nationals, NATS champ in '63.

MIK: Can I get yer autograph Mr.Blinds?

BUT: MISTER Blinds?

BLI: Why of course. Anything for my fans!

PAZ: That's...something...I guess. Well, Mike, we're looking for our old cohort, and we're led to believe he's here in this warehouse complex.

MIK:Cohogs? A whorehouse? Say again?

BUT: Here's a photo. Have you seen this man? Victor Marsh, goes by the name of Frank.

MIK: Why yes, yes I have. He's in the warehouse alright, with Mr.Maury.

PAZ: Really? Are you sure it's him?

MIK: Aye, you can cut me liver if I ain't tellin' the truth. He's here.

BUT: Great! Thanks Mike.

MIK: Yes, you can pop me own eyes out, fry 'em up with a couple of eggs and make me watch you eat 'em if it's not the God's honest truth.

BLI: Thanks Mike. Let's go find him.

MIK: If I'm tellin' a lie you can take a hot poker and shove it up my

ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE! We believe you.

PAZ: How do we get in there?

MIK: Oh, you can't get in. Top secret. The door is even locked.

BUT: Then how do you know Mr.Marsh is in there?

MIK: Oh, I have a key to the lock. In case I need to...uh...use the facilities.

BLI: What are we waiting for? Let's go!

MIK: Just a moment lads. How do I know you aren't kidnappers or something?

PAZ: Look. Look at this face. It's ME. Mick Pazlo, Private Instigator. I'm sure you recognize me from the "Adventures of Pazlo & Butto".

MIK: (hesitating, thinking) Mmm. Nope. Can't say I do.

PAZ: WHAT? Do you live in a cave or something?

BUT: Mr.O'Hurlihanlio..er..whatever..Surely you'll recognize the name Fritz Butto? Band Leader, Big Time radio show producer? Owner of GWP and B&B Productions?

MIK: Mmm. Seems like I've heard of GWP somewhere...Knitting maybe? Ever drive a half-track?

PAZ: The Pazlo-Tracker! I haven't thought of that in years!! That's ME! The Afreaka Corps!!

MIK: No. I don't think so. But I recognize Mr.Blinds from the Knitter Wars!

BLI: Well, that was hardly my best hour, but I was quite a hero in my day.

PAZ: Hero?

BUT: Like hero sandwich, y'mean?

MIK: Now I guess I can see my way clear to let Mr.Blinds in. If he can vouch for the rest of you...

PAZ: Of course he can! He's our partner.

BLI: Uh, Butto's partner. To you I'm just a boss.

PAZ: Why you sniveling snotbag, I ought to...

MIK: Wait, wait! The fight scene is four minutes out now, don't jump ahead.

PAZ: I'm gonna jump on Blinds's head in a second.

BUT: Mr.O'Hurdy-Gurdy, surely you can trust a great Knitting Hero such as Mr.Blinds. We're trying to save a man's life here!

PAZ: We are?

BUT: Shut up a sec.

BLI: I thought we were here to get our money.

BUT: Could both of you just shut up.

PAZ: What if...

BUT: SHUT!

BLI: I guess he..

BUT: SHUT! SHUT UP! STOP TALKING! SAY NO MORE!

PAZ: Even...

BUT Yes, even. Now Mike, can you get us in or not?

MIK: Of course I can! It's the truth! Cut off me toes and make me walk home if I'm lyin'.

PAZ: Great, thanks Mike.

MIK: If it ain't the truth you can pour kerosene in my eyes and touch a match to it.

BUT: Okay Mike, we're with you.

MIK: Shore and if it's a lie you could take a jack hammer with a fourteen-inch mortar bit, wind that thing up and jam it up my

ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE!! Yes, we believe you!

MIK: If it's okay with Mr.Blinds, it's good by me.

(Long silent pause)

PAZ: Blinds?

BLI: MISTER Blinds to you, half-shaft. I'm thinking...what have you guys done for me lately?

BUT: Well, we didn't kill you just now, that's one thing.

PAZ: And we didn't kill you this morning, either...

BLI: What about the time you guys killed me in that meatball case?

BUT: You weren't really killed, remember? It was a sound effect.

BLI: Oh, yeah.

PAZ: So?

BLI: Oh alright I guess. But there better be a bonus this time.

PAZ: I got a bonus for you.

MIK: Okay, we can go in. But we must be ever-so-careful of the guard dogs. And the alarm, and the laser system.

BUT:Really?

MIK: Of course, really. If I'm lyin' you can take a Bosch Bulldog Hammer Drill and drill out all me teeth while I smiles at ye.

PAZ: What?

MIK: You can take a bench grinder and hold me head to it 'til you grind it to a nub.

BLI: Okay Mike, thanks.

MIK: If it ain't the truth you can fire up a chain saw, tie me to a log and cut me right up the

ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE! We believe you. Can we go now?

MIK: Sure. Right this way.

Episode 37.1 scene 678

SFX: Tweeting birds, chirping crickets, maybe some trickling water. Obviously not LA. COP: What the... BUT:Nice downtown, very rural. SFX: Sheep bleating PAZ: Hey, Bo Peep, lose something? COP: These special effects are gettin’ outta hand! BLI: Look at me I’m Cybil Shepard. BUT: Blinds, take that wig off, you’re scaring the sheep. PAZ: They’re gonna stampede, run! SFX: Train noises, sheep bleating, cows mooing, guns firing, cell phones ringing.

on 2/13/13

COP: Okay, if yous guys will just take a seat here in our van...

SFX: climbing into the van. Blinds bursts out running, screaming "PAZLO!" and a knock-down scuffling fist fight ensues. Blinds rants in his rage as he wallops the tar out of Pazlo.

BLI: That's the last time you dim-witted, bald-headed, flat-footed moron! I own you now! OWN YOU! You're fired! You'll never work in this town again! Or some other town, I don't know! I'm gonna kill you, you rotten no-good so-and-so, I don't care, half-brother or not! I'm gonna--- (sudden silence).

BUT: (Slowly & contemplatively) What did you say?

BLI: Uh (Dropping Paz to the sidewalk with a thud)...half-WIT! I said HALF-WIt, HALF-COCKED, HALF-Past a monkey's

PAZ: Nice going half-shaft. You blithering blatherskite...

BUT: But if WE'RE half-brothers and Pazlo is your half-brother...that would make me..(ugh, fainting, hitting the sidewalk)

COP: What the hell is going on here? You guys are droppin' like hothouse flowers. (Assertively:) Get in the truck!

BLI: What? That's a Paddy Wagon! You're not getting me in there!

COP: (pulling a gun) Oh, I'm gonna get you in there, breathin' or otherwise. You guys are worth a grand a head to Moritoriu...uh, Metropolitan police...come on!

PAZ: Let me see your badges.

COP: Badges?

BUT:  No! No! Don't even consider thinking about it.. it's so cliche by now.

COP: Cliches? We don't need to show nobody no stinking cliches.

BLI: Oh, for the love of Pete..hey,..you're unconscious.

PAZ: No, he's Butto, my partner, my sidekick, the other half of "The Adventures of Mr.Pazlo and Butto!"

BUT: That's not the name of the show. Wow, I had the weirdest dream sequence while I was out...

COP: Get in the truck before I let you have it!

PAZ: Well, if you're going to let us have it, isn't it immaterial whether we get in before or after you do so?

COP: What?

BLI: Besides, we don't want it. It's homely and smells bad, and we've got two production trucks and three talent trailers already.

PAZ: Well, two trailers.

BUT: No, there's three.

PAZ: Anyway, we don't need this thing unless we're gonna make a Miners' Wear truck out of it.

COP: Shut up! If you don't shut up you're gonna get it right now!

BLI: So if we keep talking we won't get it?

PAZ: Yeah, I thnk that's the way that works...don't shut up you're gonna get it.

BUT: So if we stop talking you won't give us your smelly Miners' wear truck? Is that what we're hearing?

PAZ: Gosh, shuttin up seems the way to go, otherwise it'll be like a white elephant, I mean we wouldn't want to insult him.

COP: That's it. You've got it coming!

BLI: So it's like a sweepstakes thing? We already won it? I know a lady that won a volvo then she had to come up with two thousand dollars for tax on it...

COP: Who in hell is writing this trash? Don't yous guys understand English. Get in the truck or I'll shoot you. Dead.

BLI: With a cow? How can you even aim that thing?

PAZ: It should be a pig.

BUT: A pig?

PAZ: Yeah, it wuld have a bigger bore! Get it "BOAR"?

COP: If I pay you, will you get in the truck?

ALL: What?

COP: Yeah. I'll pay you when we get there.

PAZ: (whispering): We could use the money.

BLI:(whisper) My trailer needs new lighting.

PAZ:(whisper) shut up Blinds, you babbling fool

BLI:(whisper) I'm gonna rip your face off!

PAZ:(whisper) Bring it on you half-breed buffoon!

BUT:(whispering over a quiet scuffle) Shut up you idiots. It's a trap. That guy's not a real cop. Why is he trying to kidnap us?

PAZ:(whisper) More importantly, do you think the cow is loaded?

BUT:(whisper) This is a real jam..uh..my..brothers. And we're in this together now, I say we make a break for it. Blinds?

PAZ:(whisper)Wait, what, we break Blinds?

BLI:(whisper) Well, maybe it's not such a bad truck, and for free it might..

COP:(whisper) Shut up (Out loud): Shut up and die you sniveling boneheads.

BUT: Grab the cow by the ring!

PAZ: Don't you mean "Take the bull by the horns"?

BLI: This is no time to argue semantics, Pazlo!

SFX:(Major scuffle, some cows, maybe guns. The truck starts.)

BUT: Paz, Blinds, jump in, he's down!

SFX: Screaching tires as they pull away.

PAZ: Someone's following us!

BLI: This is no time to update your blog Pazlo!

PAZ: No, look behind you!

SFX: Cow, followed by breaking glass.!

PAZ: Know how big their guns are?

BUT: What?

PAZ: They're  thirty COW-liber. Get it? COW liber! Ha!

BLI: Get out! I'm gonna throw you right out this door!

PAZ: Wait! Wait! We have to write the chase scene!

BUT: We're already IN the chase scene.

PAZ: Damn! This happened to us back in '81, remember? That case with the nun.

BUT: That's it! Professor Moritorium! That cop slipped and said Moritorium, he must be behind this whole thing.

PAZ: Hey, I think we lost them.

BLI: (suddenly sound effects of screaching tires and gunfire) Not in my revision! Ahh! We're gonna die!

PAZ: (casual motoring sound effects) Now, how can that be?

BUT: Well, there's probably two revisions in re-write at the same time. We often use two writers because one can't figure out how to end a scene so the other one takes over.

BLI: (SFX: noisy chase, yelling.) But how does that end the scene?

BUT: (SFX casual motoring): Well, it doesn't, but it makes for some fast plot twists.

PAZ: What we need is a commercial. Call sales, extension 405.

BLI: (SFX noisy scene:) Hurry! AHHH!!!!

--- CUT TO COMMERCIAL---