[Theme music]
PAZ: After the commercial, we crept down the back alleys to the warehouse.
MIKE O'HANLIHAN: (Irish accent) Hold up there, lads. This is private property!
PAZ: Oh, hi. Mick Pazlo, Private Investigator.
MIK: Mike O'Hanlihan, Private Security Guard. You boys aren't going to make me shoot you now, are ye?
BLI: NO! NO! Don't shoot! I surrender! I did it! I confess!
BUT: Shut up, Blinds.
MIK: Is that Russell Blinds, really?
PAZ: You know him?
MIK: Sure an' I do! Knitters Hall of Famer, right?
BLI: (blushing) Why, yes. As a matter of fact. Three times Nationals, NATS champ in '63.
MIK: Can I get yer autograph Mr.Blinds?
BUT: MISTER Blinds?
BLI: Why of course. Anything for my fans!
PAZ: That's...something...I guess. Well, Mike, we're looking for our old cohort, and we're led to believe he's here in this warehouse complex.
MIK:Cohogs? A whorehouse? Say again?
BUT: Here's a photo. Have you seen this man? Victor Marsh, goes by the name of Frank.
MIK: Why yes, yes I have. He's in the warehouse alright, with Mr.Maury.
PAZ: Really? Are you sure it's him?
MIK: Aye, you can cut me liver if I ain't tellin' the truth. He's here.
BUT: Great! Thanks Mike.
MIK: Yes, you can pop me own eyes out, fry 'em up with a couple of eggs and make me watch you eat 'em if it's not the God's honest truth.
BLI: Thanks Mike. Let's go find him.
MIK: If I'm tellin' a lie you can take a hot poker and shove it up my
ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE! We believe you.
PAZ: How do we get in there?
MIK: Oh, you can't get in. Top secret. The door is even locked.
BUT: Then how do you know Mr.Marsh is in there?
MIK: Oh, I have a key to the lock. In case I need to...uh...use the facilities.
BLI: What are we waiting for? Let's go!
MIK: Just a moment lads. How do I know you aren't kidnappers or something?
PAZ: Look. Look at this face. It's ME. Mick Pazlo, Private Instigator. I'm sure you recognize me from the "Adventures of Pazlo & Butto".
MIK: (hesitating, thinking) Mmm. Nope. Can't say I do.
PAZ: WHAT? Do you live in a cave or something?
BUT: Mr.O'Hurlihanlio..er..whatever..Surely you'll recognize the name Fritz Butto? Band Leader, Big Time radio show producer? Owner of GWP and B&B Productions?
MIK: Mmm. Seems like I've heard of GWP somewhere...Knitting maybe? Ever drive a half-track?
PAZ: The Pazlo-Tracker! I haven't thought of that in years!! That's ME! The Afreaka Corps!!
MIK: No. I don't think so. But I recognize Mr.Blinds from the Knitter Wars!
BLI: Well, that was hardly my best hour, but I was quite a hero in my day.
PAZ: Hero?
BUT: Like hero sandwich, y'mean?
MIK: Now I guess I can see my way clear to let Mr.Blinds in. If he can vouch for the rest of you...
PAZ: Of course he can! He's our partner.
BLI: Uh, Butto's partner. To you I'm just a boss.
PAZ: Why you sniveling snotbag, I ought to...
MIK: Wait, wait! The fight scene is four minutes out now, don't jump ahead.
PAZ: I'm gonna jump on Blinds's head in a second.
BUT: Mr.O'Hurdy-Gurdy, surely you can trust a great Knitting Hero such as Mr.Blinds. We're trying to save a man's life here!
PAZ: We are?
BUT: Shut up a sec.
BLI: I thought we were here to get our money.
BUT: Could both of you just shut up.
PAZ: What if...
BUT: SHUT!
BLI: I guess he..
BUT: SHUT! SHUT UP! STOP TALKING! SAY NO MORE!
PAZ: Even...
BUT Yes, even. Now Mike, can you get us in or not?
MIK: Of course I can! It's the truth! Cut off me toes and make me walk home if I'm lyin'.
PAZ: Great, thanks Mike.
MIK: If it ain't the truth you can pour kerosene in my eyes and touch a match to it.
BUT: Okay Mike, we're with you.
MIK: Shore and if it's a lie you could take a jack hammer with a fourteen-inch mortar bit, wind that thing up and jam it up my
ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE!! Yes, we believe you!
MIK: If it's okay with Mr.Blinds, it's good by me.
(Long silent pause)
PAZ: Blinds?
BLI: MISTER Blinds to you, half-shaft. I'm thinking...what have you guys done for me lately?
BUT: Well, we didn't kill you just now, that's one thing.
PAZ: And we didn't kill you this morning, either...
BLI: What about the time you guys killed me in that meatball case?
BUT: You weren't really killed, remember? It was a sound effect.
BLI: Oh, yeah.
PAZ: So?
BLI: Oh alright I guess. But there better be a bonus this time.
PAZ: I got a bonus for you.
MIK: Okay, we can go in. But we must be ever-so-careful of the guard dogs. And the alarm, and the laser system.
BUT:Really?
MIK: Of course, really. If I'm lyin' you can take a Bosch Bulldog Hammer Drill and drill out all me teeth while I smiles at ye.
PAZ: What?
MIK: You can take a bench grinder and hold me head to it 'til you grind it to a nub.
BLI: Okay Mike, thanks.
MIK: If it ain't the truth you can fire up a chain saw, tie me to a log and cut me right up the
ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE! We believe you. Can we go now?
MIK: Sure. Right this way.
BUT: After maneuvering around the guard dogs (Braking), the alarm and the lasers, we found our selves in Moritorium's bowels, er, I mean in the bowels of Moritorium's warehouse.
ReplyDeleteMIK:An' like me mutter used to say, if ye don't believe me ye can cut off me feet and make me walk a mile on burning coal beds.
PAZ: That's just wonderful Mike, but I'm sure we can find our own way around.
BUT: Yeah, you know how it is, if you've seen one warehouse you've seen 'em all.
PAZ: (Whispering) I think we can outrun him, lets make a break for it. (Out Loud)Well Mike thanks for all the help, but I think we can take it from here.
(Whispers) Run!
SFX: Running footsteps
MIK: (Fading) And if ye don't believe that you can cut me tongue our, roast it over an open fire and make me play 20 questions...
PAZ: Another warehouse, I'm starting to see a pattern.
BUT: Pattern? Paz, the last time we were in a warehouse
PAZ: Ooh, ooh! I know, it was in Halifax!
BUT: Umm, yeah. Funny we should end up in another warehouse, I guess the writer's couldn't come up with a better plot point.
PAZ: It's always worked in the past. Ah ha, here's the door.
BUT: How do you know?
PAZ: How do I know what?
BUT: Don't start that again, how do you know it's Moritorium's door?
PAZ:The sign on the door says so. Uh oh, it's locked.
BUT: Dummy locked..
BLI: Now we'll never get in!
SFX: Rattling key like noises.
PAZ: There.
BUT: You opened it
PAZ:Just like shootin' monkeys in a barrel.
BUT:How do they get those monkey's in there anyway?
PAZ:Who's in charge of Monkey-barreling?
BLI:Isn't it supposed to be fish?
PAZ:Don't be ridiculous, you can't stuff monkey's in a fish!
BUT:Have you been smoking almonds again?
BLI:What? No!
PAZ:Give him a breathalyzer!
BUT:Here pee into this cup.
BLI:No! How dare you!
BUT: Oh, my bad.
PAZ: Your bad what?
BUT: What?
PAZ: Or are you saying YOU'RE bad
BUT: My bad what?
PAZ: That's what I said
BL: No, that's what SHE said (Laughes)
PAZ: That's it! I'm gonna punch your ticket cause you're takin' a one way ride to palookaville!
MORITORIUM: Well, well, well, if it isn't my old nemesis Pazlo. I see you've brought the Butcher with you.
BLI: Don't forget me, hi Morty!
MORI: Blinds you rancid grease stain, what are you doing here?
BLI: Rescuing officers, see?
PAZ: That's what I've been saying since episode 4! Why doesn't anyone listen to me?
BUT: What have you done with Marsh?
BLI: He owes me money!
PAZ: Fer cryin' out loud, I'll give you the $5 if you'll just shut up!
MORI: Oh, I've got something special in mind for Victor.
BUT: Don't do it, do not do the evil laugh or I will pepper spray you!
SFX: Pssst!
BLI: Ow! My eyes!
BUT: Oops, sorry Blinds, I got a little excited, new pepper spray, y'know how it is.
BLI: No, how is it?!
BUT: Like this
SFX: Pssst!
BLI: You jerk you sprayed me again, I can't see!
PAZ: So now you're blind...Blinds? I crack myself up!