SFX: Tweeting birds, chirping crickets, maybe some trickling water. Obviously not LA.
COP: What the... BUT:Nice downtown, very rural. SFX: Sheep bleating PAZ: Hey, Bo Peep, lose something? COP: These special effects are gettin’ outta hand! BLI: Look at me I’m Cybil Shepard. BUT: Blinds, take that wig off, you’re scaring the sheep. PAZ: They’re gonna stampede, run! SFX: Train noises, sheep bleating, cows mooing, guns firing, cell phones ringing. |
on 2/13/13
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COP: Okay, if yous guys will just take a seat here in our van...
SFX: climbing into the van. Blinds bursts out running, screaming "PAZLO!" and a knock-down scuffling fist fight ensues. Blinds rants in his rage as he wallops the tar out of Pazlo.
BLI: That's the last time you dim-witted, bald-headed, flat-footed moron! I own you now! OWN YOU! You're fired! You'll never work in this town again! Or some other town, I don't know! I'm gonna kill you, you rotten no-good so-and-so, I don't care, half-brother or not! I'm gonna--- (sudden silence).
BUT: (Slowly & contemplatively) What did you say?
BLI: Uh (Dropping Paz to the sidewalk with a thud)...half-WIT! I said HALF-WIt, HALF-COCKED, HALF-Past a monkey's
PAZ: Nice going half-shaft. You blithering blatherskite...
BUT: But if WE'RE half-brothers and Pazlo is your half-brother...that would make me..(ugh, fainting, hitting the sidewalk)
COP: What the hell is going on here? You guys are droppin' like hothouse flowers. (Assertively:) Get in the truck!
BLI: What? That's a Paddy Wagon! You're not getting me in there!
COP: (pulling a gun) Oh, I'm gonna get you in there, breathin' or otherwise. You guys are worth a grand a head to Moritoriu...uh, Metropolitan police...come on!
PAZ: Let me see your badges.
COP: Badges?
BUT: No! No! Don't even consider thinking about it.. it's so cliche by now.
COP: Cliches? We don't need to show nobody no stinking cliches.
BLI: Oh, for the love of Pete..hey,..you're unconscious.
PAZ: No, he's Butto, my partner, my sidekick, the other half of "The Adventures of Mr.Pazlo and Butto!"
BUT: That's not the name of the show. Wow, I had the weirdest dream sequence while I was out...
COP: Get in the truck before I let you have it!
PAZ: Well, if you're going to let us have it, isn't it immaterial whether we get in before or after you do so?
COP: What?
BLI: Besides, we don't want it. It's homely and smells bad, and we've got two production trucks and three talent trailers already.
PAZ: Well, two trailers.
BUT: No, there's three.
PAZ: Anyway, we don't need this thing unless we're gonna make a Miners' Wear truck out of it.
COP: Shut up! If you don't shut up you're gonna get it right now!
BLI: So if we keep talking we won't get it?
PAZ: Yeah, I thnk that's the way that works...don't shut up you're gonna get it.
BUT: So if we stop talking you won't give us your smelly Miners' wear truck? Is that what we're hearing?
PAZ: Gosh, shuttin up seems the way to go, otherwise it'll be like a white elephant, I mean we wouldn't want to insult him.
COP: That's it. You've got it coming!
BLI: So it's like a sweepstakes thing? We already won it? I know a lady that won a volvo then she had to come up with two thousand dollars for tax on it...
COP: Who in hell is writing this trash? Don't yous guys understand English. Get in the truck or I'll shoot you. Dead.
BLI: With a cow? How can you even aim that thing?
PAZ: It should be a pig.
BUT: A pig?
PAZ: Yeah, it wuld have a bigger bore! Get it "BOAR"?
COP: If I pay you, will you get in the truck?
ALL: What?
COP: Yeah. I'll pay you when we get there.
PAZ: (whispering): We could use the money.
BLI:(whisper) My trailer needs new lighting.
PAZ:(whisper) shut up Blinds, you babbling fool
BLI:(whisper) I'm gonna rip your face off!
PAZ:(whisper) Bring it on you half-breed buffoon!
BUT:(whispering over a quiet scuffle) Shut up you idiots. It's a trap. That guy's not a real cop. Why is he trying to kidnap us?
PAZ:(whisper) More importantly, do you think the cow is loaded?
BUT:(whisper) This is a real jam..uh..my..brothers. And we're in this together now, I say we make a break for it. Blinds?
PAZ:(whisper)Wait, what, we break Blinds?
BLI:(whisper) Well, maybe it's not such a bad truck, and for free it might..
COP:(whisper) Shut up (Out loud): Shut up and die you sniveling boneheads.
BUT: Grab the cow by the ring!
PAZ: Don't you mean "Take the bull by the horns"?
BLI: This is no time to argue semantics, Pazlo!
SFX:(Major scuffle, some cows, maybe guns. The truck starts.)
BUT: Paz, Blinds, jump in, he's down!
SFX: Screaching tires as they pull away.
PAZ: Someone's following us!
BLI: This is no time to update your blog Pazlo!
PAZ: No, look behind you!
SFX: Cow, followed by breaking glass.!
PAZ: Know how big their guns are?
BUT: What?
PAZ: They're thirty COW-liber. Get it? COW liber! Ha!
BLI: Get out! I'm gonna throw you right out this door!
PAZ: Wait! Wait! We have to write the chase scene!
BUT: We're already IN the chase scene.
PAZ: Damn! This happened to us back in '81, remember? That case with the nun.
BUT: That's it! Professor Moritorium! That cop slipped and said Moritorium, he must be behind this whole thing.
PAZ: Hey, I think we lost them.
BLI: (suddenly sound effects of screaching tires and gunfire) Not in my revision! Ahh! We're gonna die!
PAZ: (casual motoring sound effects) Now, how can that be?
BUT: Well, there's probably two revisions in re-write at the same time. We often use two writers because one can't figure out how to end a scene so the other one takes over.
BLI: (SFX: noisy chase, yelling.) But how does that end the scene?
BUT: (SFX casual motoring): Well, it doesn't, but it makes for some fast plot twists.
PAZ: What we need is a commercial. Call sales, extension 405.
BLI: (SFX noisy scene:) Hurry! AHHH!!!!
--- CUT TO COMMERCIAL---
