Episode 37.1 scene 678

SFX: Tweeting birds, chirping crickets, maybe some trickling water. Obviously not LA. COP: What the... BUT:Nice downtown, very rural. SFX: Sheep bleating PAZ: Hey, Bo Peep, lose something? COP: These special effects are gettin’ outta hand! BLI: Look at me I’m Cybil Shepard. BUT: Blinds, take that wig off, you’re scaring the sheep. PAZ: They’re gonna stampede, run! SFX: Train noises, sheep bleating, cows mooing, guns firing, cell phones ringing.

on 2/13/13

COP: Okay, if yous guys will just take a seat here in our van...

SFX: climbing into the van. Blinds bursts out running, screaming "PAZLO!" and a knock-down scuffling fist fight ensues. Blinds rants in his rage as he wallops the tar out of Pazlo.

BLI: That's the last time you dim-witted, bald-headed, flat-footed moron! I own you now! OWN YOU! You're fired! You'll never work in this town again! Or some other town, I don't know! I'm gonna kill you, you rotten no-good so-and-so, I don't care, half-brother or not! I'm gonna--- (sudden silence).

BUT: (Slowly & contemplatively) What did you say?

BLI: Uh (Dropping Paz to the sidewalk with a thud)...half-WIT! I said HALF-WIt, HALF-COCKED, HALF-Past a monkey's

PAZ: Nice going half-shaft. You blithering blatherskite...

BUT: But if WE'RE half-brothers and Pazlo is your half-brother...that would make me..(ugh, fainting, hitting the sidewalk)

COP: What the hell is going on here? You guys are droppin' like hothouse flowers. (Assertively:) Get in the truck!

BLI: What? That's a Paddy Wagon! You're not getting me in there!

COP: (pulling a gun) Oh, I'm gonna get you in there, breathin' or otherwise. You guys are worth a grand a head to Moritoriu...uh, Metropolitan police...come on!

PAZ: Let me see your badges.

COP: Badges?

BUT:  No! No! Don't even consider thinking about it.. it's so cliche by now.

COP: Cliches? We don't need to show nobody no stinking cliches.

BLI: Oh, for the love of Pete..hey,..you're unconscious.

PAZ: No, he's Butto, my partner, my sidekick, the other half of "The Adventures of Mr.Pazlo and Butto!"

BUT: That's not the name of the show. Wow, I had the weirdest dream sequence while I was out...

COP: Get in the truck before I let you have it!

PAZ: Well, if you're going to let us have it, isn't it immaterial whether we get in before or after you do so?

COP: What?

BLI: Besides, we don't want it. It's homely and smells bad, and we've got two production trucks and three talent trailers already.

PAZ: Well, two trailers.

BUT: No, there's three.

PAZ: Anyway, we don't need this thing unless we're gonna make a Miners' Wear truck out of it.

COP: Shut up! If you don't shut up you're gonna get it right now!

BLI: So if we keep talking we won't get it?

PAZ: Yeah, I thnk that's the way that works...don't shut up you're gonna get it.

BUT: So if we stop talking you won't give us your smelly Miners' wear truck? Is that what we're hearing?

PAZ: Gosh, shuttin up seems the way to go, otherwise it'll be like a white elephant, I mean we wouldn't want to insult him.

COP: That's it. You've got it coming!

BLI: So it's like a sweepstakes thing? We already won it? I know a lady that won a volvo then she had to come up with two thousand dollars for tax on it...

COP: Who in hell is writing this trash? Don't yous guys understand English. Get in the truck or I'll shoot you. Dead.

BLI: With a cow? How can you even aim that thing?

PAZ: It should be a pig.

BUT: A pig?

PAZ: Yeah, it wuld have a bigger bore! Get it "BOAR"?

COP: If I pay you, will you get in the truck?

ALL: What?

COP: Yeah. I'll pay you when we get there.

PAZ: (whispering): We could use the money.

BLI:(whisper) My trailer needs new lighting.

PAZ:(whisper) shut up Blinds, you babbling fool

BLI:(whisper) I'm gonna rip your face off!

PAZ:(whisper) Bring it on you half-breed buffoon!

BUT:(whispering over a quiet scuffle) Shut up you idiots. It's a trap. That guy's not a real cop. Why is he trying to kidnap us?

PAZ:(whisper) More importantly, do you think the cow is loaded?

BUT:(whisper) This is a real jam..uh..my..brothers. And we're in this together now, I say we make a break for it. Blinds?

PAZ:(whisper)Wait, what, we break Blinds?

BLI:(whisper) Well, maybe it's not such a bad truck, and for free it might..

COP:(whisper) Shut up (Out loud): Shut up and die you sniveling boneheads.

BUT: Grab the cow by the ring!

PAZ: Don't you mean "Take the bull by the horns"?

BLI: This is no time to argue semantics, Pazlo!

SFX:(Major scuffle, some cows, maybe guns. The truck starts.)

BUT: Paz, Blinds, jump in, he's down!

SFX: Screaching tires as they pull away.

PAZ: Someone's following us!

BLI: This is no time to update your blog Pazlo!

PAZ: No, look behind you!

SFX: Cow, followed by breaking glass.!

PAZ: Know how big their guns are?

BUT: What?

PAZ: They're  thirty COW-liber. Get it? COW liber! Ha!

BLI: Get out! I'm gonna throw you right out this door!

PAZ: Wait! Wait! We have to write the chase scene!

BUT: We're already IN the chase scene.

PAZ: Damn! This happened to us back in '81, remember? That case with the nun.

BUT: That's it! Professor Moritorium! That cop slipped and said Moritorium, he must be behind this whole thing.

PAZ: Hey, I think we lost them.

BLI: (suddenly sound effects of screaching tires and gunfire) Not in my revision! Ahh! We're gonna die!

PAZ: (casual motoring sound effects) Now, how can that be?

BUT: Well, there's probably two revisions in re-write at the same time. We often use two writers because one can't figure out how to end a scene so the other one takes over.

BLI: (SFX: noisy chase, yelling.) But how does that end the scene?

BUT: (SFX casual motoring): Well, it doesn't, but it makes for some fast plot twists.

PAZ: What we need is a commercial. Call sales, extension 405.

BLI: (SFX noisy scene:) Hurry! AHHH!!!!

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