PAZ: Wait, were you looking at me? You weren't looking at me when you said that. You must mean Blinds the unkempt ungulate, who doesn't know what he's doing here! Ugly..bad clothes..poor diction...
BLI: Right now he's composing a memo to the HR Lady about staff reductions...
PAZ: You mean HR PERSON.
BLI: No, that was her maiden name.
COP: Would yous guys shut yer faces and reach for the sky!
BUT: We can't reach the sky! What kind of idiot are you?
PAZ: How many kinds are there? (PAZ & BLI errupt in sophomoric laughter)
SFX: car horn, cow, anything that's not a gun.
BLI: What was that?
COP: It was supposed to be a gunshot.
BUT: Dean? DEAN!? Who's in the sound booth?
BOOTH: Yeh. Just a sec. Mislabeled carts. Interns. Amateurs. These jerks..
PAZ: Your mic is still on, Dean.
BOOTH: Oh sh..
SFX: Something like gun noise, but maybe a cannon or something.
COP: Alright! Hold it right there or you'll be pasting daisies.
BUT: What?
PAZ: But wait, the cheese is still in the locker.
COP/BUT/Everyone: WHAT?
BUT: Are we having an almonds problem again?
PAZ: And Professor Moritorium is at the theater already.
COP: What?
BUT: What revision are you reading from?
COP: I'm gonna revise all yer faces if you don't SHUT THE HELL UP!
(Deafening silence. A pin drop)
COP: That's better. Now we're gonna get down to some ass tacks...
BUT: You mean brass tacks.
COP: You buy the kinda tacks you like and I'll do the same.
PAZ: Ass tacks?
COP: SHUT IT! Word has it that yous guys is sniffin' around following after our revered and retired detective Frank Marsh. We don't like things happening to our own, if you get my drift, so yous guys better start talkin'
ALL: Start talking randomly, to each other, on the phone, reciting poetry, etc.
COP: STOP! STOP! Shut off those mics and sit your ass tacks down here. Nobody's going anywhere 'til we figure this out.
WAITER: Uh, correction there, Columbo. This place is closed. Can't you take this show downtown?
BUT: Gosh we tried. We were almost booked in the Paladium but SOMEBODY got scared about ponying up for a performance bond...
PAZ: The Paladium? Cool!
BUT: Well, we didn't get the gig, so not cool...
COP: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I should just shoot all of you. What a headache.
PAZ: Too bad yer gun is a cow or a car or whatever (PAZ & BLI snickering)
SFX: Two gun shots.
BUT: What? You killed BOTH my partners! Hmm...there could be an upside here.
PAZ: Hey! Come on! I'm not even cold yet.
BLI: Luckily for you I wore my Kevlar underwear today...
BUT: Lucky for you, you mean
PAZ: And you wear the Kevlar EVERY day!
BLI: Shut up Pazlo. You're dead. You're dead AND washed up. You're dead and washed up and have new bosses! (maniacal hee!hee!) How does it feel to be on the short end of the wrong stick this time?
PAZ: I can't answer you, I'm dead.
BLI: Just once I'd like the satisfaction of seeing you really killed off of this show. You've been a pain in my ass tacks for twenty years now. I've been waiting for this chance, and I'm gonna get it!
PAZ: Got that right.
SFX: A punch. Blinds flops to the floor.
COP: Thanks Pazlo. I was reloading my cow.
BUT: So, Copper, what's your role in all this?
COP: What do you mean what's my role? I'm the cop.
PAZ: Seemed like a straightforward question to me "What's your role?". Where's the ambiguity?
BUT: Oh, I left the ambiguity back east. There's a surcharge for extra luggage.
COP: Alright you maroons, let's see if we can settle this downtown.
PAZ: What's to settle, we didn't eat anything but the breadsticks.
COP: Let's go!!!
Shuffles & SFX as they all exit the building to the street.
