Chapter 138: Writer's block

(Scene opens to sounds of a shoulder being repeatedly thrown against a door)

PAZ: Damn! The writers blocked the door! We can't get to the cafeteria.

BLI: Who can blame them after Wednesday's little episode?

BUT: It's probably just stuck, like the plot for our show.

PAZ: Whoa! Hey! Plots now? Aren't we getting a little fancy for a low-budget show?

BUT: Usually there's some kind of theme, some running subject that threads through an episode to shape a beginning, middle and end.

PAZ: Buncha baloney.

BLI: I thought the show just ended?

BUT: Whadya mean baloney? They do this all the time on TV.

PAZ: AHAH! See! That's where they get you!

BUT: Uh...what..what do you mean there?

PAZ: Like a show needs to have a beginning and end and stuff. They'll fill your head full of that and next thing you know the show's over.

BUT: Well, yeah, that's sorta the idea.

PAZ: E tu, Bhutto?

BUT: How long have you been waiting to use that gem?

BLI: Could you guys shut up and help me get this door open, I'm starving.

PAZ: You and your eating. It really needs to stop.

BLI: But if...

BUT: Here, Blinds (shuffling noise digging through lunch bag), here's a TommyKnocker Bar, a can of Red's Okra juice and half a penguin salad sandwich. That should hold you over to the next break.

BLI: (mouth filled, eating voraciously) Thank you! Thank you!

PAZ: Come on! You're spitting crumbs all over the table.

BUT: So, just curious, where's the rest of the cast?

PAZ: The cast? Hell, I got that thing off months ago. Just have to wear this brace at night.

BLI: He means the cast of the show you blithering old goat. Why don't you pay attention?

PAZ: So why is HE here then?

BUT: Well, aside from being one of the producers, he's also part of the cast.

PAZ: Last I knew, we were walking into a huge warehouse looking for Detective Marsh, with an Irish guy that kept wanting people to rip his liver out and pop out his eyeballs and stuff. Weird.

BUT: That was before our funding was cut. We need to re-work the script a little to pare it down.

BLI: (mouth full) Did you say pears?

PAZ: Re-work it? Pare it down to what extent?

BLI: Pears! I want the pears!

BUT: Please shut up, Blinds. We need to cut the script from the eleven-hundred eighty-six pages we now have down to about 30.

PAZ: That shouldn't be too difficult, just cut all the scenes where Blinds is eating.

BLI: (mouth full) I'll starve!

PAZ: Good.

BUT: You won't starve. This is only your day job, remember?

BLI: They never have food over at Sunbright...er...

PAZ: Sunbright Studios? When were you over there?

BUT: Traitor!

PAZ: Are they still looking for people, or...

BUT: PAZLO! How could you?

PAZ: Well, as long as these writers aren't coming up with anything here...

BUT: We need to hunker down and edit this script! We won't be done with this for weeks!

BLI: (mouth full) Leeks! I love leeks!

PAZ: The only leaks we have are in the studio roof. Stop spitting on me!

BLI: Why don't you stuff it, old timer.

PAZ: Pigeon-brain! I'll kill you for that.

(SFX: phone rings)

BLI: (mouth full) Hello? Mr.Thamalancham! How are you?

PAZ: Is this scene over yet? I need a drink.

BLI: (mouth full) Yes, I can be over by six. Great. See you then. (to BUT:): Six o'clock.

BUT: Yeah, okay.

PAZ: Six o'clock what?

BUT & BLI: NOTHING!

BUT: Er..nothing to concern yourself over..

PAZ: Wait, isn't Thamalancham over at Sunbright?

BLI: You remember Tom..he..

BUT: WELL! Look at the time! Geez, I gotta go feed my air ferns before I leave for home..

BLI: But what about our gig?

BUT: Giggles! Yes! We had some great giggles today, but it's time to wrap it up.

BLI: Wraps? I love wraps! What kind do you have?

PAZ: Wait a minute, something's smelling fishy here...

BUT: Probably Blinds.

BLI: Fish? I love fish? Where is it?

PAZ: Over there, through that door.

(steps, door opening, traffic/noise outside, door closes).

BUT: You know that's the fire exit, right, and we were just replacing the fire escape outside that door?

PAZ: Gee. Ya don't say. Got any more of those wraps?

BUT: I'll put the coffee on, it's going to be a long week.

(muffled voice from outside, chewing food: BLI: Coffee! I love coffee!


Roll credits.

DIRECTOR: Yeah, Mr.O'Connor, this is a radio show, you know. We don't roll credits.

Mr.O'Connor: Did you say rolls? I love rolls.

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