PAZ: Wait, were you looking at me? You weren't looking at me when you said that. You must mean Blinds the unkempt ungulate, who doesn't know what he's doing here! Ugly..bad clothes..poor diction...
BLI: Right now he's composing a memo to the HR Lady about staff reductions...
PAZ: You mean HR PERSON.
BLI: No, that was her maiden name.
COP: Would yous guys shut yer faces and reach for the sky!
BUT: We can't reach the sky! What kind of idiot are you?
PAZ: How many kinds are there? (PAZ & BLI errupt in sophomoric laughter)
SFX: car horn, cow, anything that's not a gun.
BLI: What was that?
COP: It was supposed to be a gunshot.
BUT: Dean? DEAN!? Who's in the sound booth?
BOOTH: Yeh. Just a sec. Mislabeled carts. Interns. Amateurs. These jerks..
PAZ: Your mic is still on, Dean.
BOOTH: Oh sh..
SFX: Something like gun noise, but maybe a cannon or something.
COP: Alright! Hold it right there or you'll be pasting daisies.
BUT: What?
PAZ: But wait, the cheese is still in the locker.
COP/BUT/Everyone: WHAT?
BUT: Are we having an almonds problem again?
PAZ: And Professor Moritorium is at the theater already.
COP: What?
BUT: What revision are you reading from?
COP: I'm gonna revise all yer faces if you don't SHUT THE HELL UP!
(Deafening silence. A pin drop)
COP: That's better. Now we're gonna get down to some ass tacks...
BUT: You mean brass tacks.
COP: You buy the kinda tacks you like and I'll do the same.
PAZ: Ass tacks?
COP: SHUT IT! Word has it that yous guys is sniffin' around following after our revered and retired detective Frank Marsh. We don't like things happening to our own, if you get my drift, so yous guys better start talkin'
ALL: Start talking randomly, to each other, on the phone, reciting poetry, etc.
COP: STOP! STOP! Shut off those mics and sit your ass tacks down here. Nobody's going anywhere 'til we figure this out.
WAITER: Uh, correction there, Columbo. This place is closed. Can't you take this show downtown?
BUT: Gosh we tried. We were almost booked in the Paladium but SOMEBODY got scared about ponying up for a performance bond...
PAZ: The Paladium? Cool!
BUT: Well, we didn't get the gig, so not cool...
COP: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I should just shoot all of you. What a headache.
PAZ: Too bad yer gun is a cow or a car or whatever (PAZ & BLI snickering)
SFX: Two gun shots.
BUT: What? You killed BOTH my partners! Hmm...there could be an upside here.
PAZ: Hey! Come on! I'm not even cold yet.
BLI: Luckily for you I wore my Kevlar underwear today...
BUT: Lucky for you, you mean
PAZ: And you wear the Kevlar EVERY day!
BLI: Shut up Pazlo. You're dead. You're dead AND washed up. You're dead and washed up and have new bosses! (maniacal hee!hee!) How does it feel to be on the short end of the wrong stick this time?
PAZ: I can't answer you, I'm dead.
BLI: Just once I'd like the satisfaction of seeing you really killed off of this show. You've been a pain in my ass tacks for twenty years now. I've been waiting for this chance, and I'm gonna get it!
PAZ: Got that right.
SFX: A punch. Blinds flops to the floor.
COP: Thanks Pazlo. I was reloading my cow.
BUT: So, Copper, what's your role in all this?
COP: What do you mean what's my role? I'm the cop.
PAZ: Seemed like a straightforward question to me "What's your role?". Where's the ambiguity?
BUT: Oh, I left the ambiguity back east. There's a surcharge for extra luggage.
COP: Alright you maroons, let's see if we can settle this downtown.
PAZ: What's to settle, we didn't eat anything but the breadsticks.
COP: Let's go!!!
Shuffles & SFX as they all exit the building to the street.
Showing posts with label HR Lady. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HR Lady. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, September 24, 2012
Episode 37
Paz (SFX: REV): I sat behind my desk. Behind the same grubby gray desk on another hazy hot July Tuesday...Hey! This the opening from Episode...uh...that one with the, uh...Rainy Day Bomber...NO WAIT! Hallifax! The Hallifax Warehouse Incident? (GETTING EXCITED< LIKE A GAME SHOW CONTESTANT) NO! NO! I GOT IT! Oo!Oo! I Know! ...it was the Ruby Foreshort Case!
(dead silence)
Paz (REV off): What revision do you have, cause I just grabbed this one off the table in the lunch room.
But: I've got Rev3.6. Was there any gespacho dip left?
Paz: What's that, like a watermark? Mine just says Rev3..um.., looks like taco sauce. Mmm. Rev3.1, that does it.
But: I think that's parsley. Right there. That's not a one. Was that from the gespacho dip?
DIR: (SFX: Booth speaker): Get a script person in there! Where's the intern? You two go to scene two, it's set up in studio C.
(SFX:WALKING)
But: Why would we need to use a separate studio for a different scene? This is radio?
Paz: That's the problem with this production company. Who's in charge here?
(SFX: open studio door/enter/close door)
But: That's hardly the point...
(dead silence)
But: That's hardly the point...
(dead silence)
But: I said "That's hardly the point"!
Paz: I was waiting for you to pick up your cue...
But: That was YOUR cue! Don't tell me this scene is screwed up too...
Paz: That's not in my script either.
But: I was speaking off-mic...
Paz: See. I don't have that either. Does your page end with the line "The color of spam, sir."?
But: I wasn't reading from the script!
Paz: I know, we'll both work off the same script (SFX: usual papery noise and --- RIP!)
(SFX: Phone rings) (phone rings once more after Paz answers)
Paz: Pazlo here! (ring) Interns!
(SFX: voice on phone, unintelligible but ridiculous. Ridiculously fast, foreign languages, no pauses while Paz is speaking, screeching high pitch, escalating to noise like kaws)
Paz: Well, our dear old friend Detective Marsh. Retired by now I'd hope. What's that? Van Nuys? Hardly know the guy. Didn't catch what you said there...sounded like "beef to reamo"? "Chiefy reno"? No, sorry.
But: Peachy Keen-o?
Paz: Hello? Marsh? Is this a bad phone connection or a bad sound effect? Where's the intern? Marsh? Hello? (aside) The line's gone dead. Sounded like Marsh was in trouble. What'll we do?
But: Delaware and Kansas, and parts of Alabama.
Paz: What?
But: What? That doesn't make any sense...wait.... (SFX: ruffling paper, etc.) Oh for... you taped the top half of page four to the bottom of page fourteen.
Paz: Oh, I thought that was parsely.
But: I can't find the rest of...what are you wiping your hands with?
Paz: Er...paper towels?
But: All right. I thought someone called for a script girl!
Paz: Script people.
But: What?
Paz: Script people. We're not allowed to call them script girls any more. It's an HR thing.
But: But,..they're ALL GIRLS!
Paz: Not anymore. They're script peoples. Wouldn't want to leave out a gender!
But: Yesh, but I mean they're REALly ALL GIRLS.
Paz: You'll have to stop saying that or I may have to report you.
But: To whom?
Paz: HR Lady.
But: Don't you mean the HR PERSON.
Paz: Of course she's the HR person. Why else would she be called the HR Lady?
But: But shouldn't she be called the HR person?
Paz: She is the HR person. You just don't understand management.
(dead silence)
Paz (REV off): What revision do you have, cause I just grabbed this one off the table in the lunch room.
But: I've got Rev3.6. Was there any gespacho dip left?
Paz: What's that, like a watermark? Mine just says Rev3..um.., looks like taco sauce. Mmm. Rev3.1, that does it.
But: I think that's parsley. Right there. That's not a one. Was that from the gespacho dip?
DIR: (SFX: Booth speaker): Get a script person in there! Where's the intern? You two go to scene two, it's set up in studio C.
(SFX:WALKING)
But: Why would we need to use a separate studio for a different scene? This is radio?
Paz: That's the problem with this production company. Who's in charge here?
(SFX: open studio door/enter/close door)
But: That's hardly the point...
(dead silence)
But: That's hardly the point...
(dead silence)
But: I said "That's hardly the point"!
Paz: I was waiting for you to pick up your cue...
But: That was YOUR cue! Don't tell me this scene is screwed up too...
Paz: That's not in my script either.
But: I was speaking off-mic...
Paz: See. I don't have that either. Does your page end with the line "The color of spam, sir."?
But: I wasn't reading from the script!
Paz: I know, we'll both work off the same script (SFX: usual papery noise and --- RIP!)
(SFX: Phone rings) (phone rings once more after Paz answers)
Paz: Pazlo here! (ring) Interns!
(SFX: voice on phone, unintelligible but ridiculous. Ridiculously fast, foreign languages, no pauses while Paz is speaking, screeching high pitch, escalating to noise like kaws)
Paz: Well, our dear old friend Detective Marsh. Retired by now I'd hope. What's that? Van Nuys? Hardly know the guy. Didn't catch what you said there...sounded like "beef to reamo"? "Chiefy reno"? No, sorry.
But: Peachy Keen-o?
Paz: Hello? Marsh? Is this a bad phone connection or a bad sound effect? Where's the intern? Marsh? Hello? (aside) The line's gone dead. Sounded like Marsh was in trouble. What'll we do?
But: Delaware and Kansas, and parts of Alabama.
Paz: What?
But: What? That doesn't make any sense...wait.... (SFX: ruffling paper, etc.) Oh for... you taped the top half of page four to the bottom of page fourteen.
Paz: Oh, I thought that was parsely.
But: I can't find the rest of...what are you wiping your hands with?
Paz: Er...paper towels?
But: All right. I thought someone called for a script girl!
Paz: Script people.
But: What?
Paz: Script people. We're not allowed to call them script girls any more. It's an HR thing.
But: But,..they're ALL GIRLS!
Paz: Not anymore. They're script peoples. Wouldn't want to leave out a gender!
But: Yesh, but I mean they're REALly ALL GIRLS.
Paz: You'll have to stop saying that or I may have to report you.
But: To whom?
Paz: HR Lady.
But: Don't you mean the HR PERSON.
Paz: Of course she's the HR person. Why else would she be called the HR Lady?
But: But shouldn't she be called the HR person?
Paz: She is the HR person. You just don't understand management.
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