Paz (SFX: REV): I sat behind my desk. Behind the same grubby gray desk on another hazy hot July Tuesday...Hey! This the opening from Episode...uh...that one with the, uh...Rainy Day Bomber...NO WAIT! Hallifax! The Hallifax Warehouse Incident? (GETTING EXCITED< LIKE A GAME SHOW CONTESTANT) NO! NO! I GOT IT! Oo!Oo! I Know! ...it was the Ruby Foreshort Case!
(dead silence)
Paz (REV off): What revision do you have, cause I just grabbed this one off the table in the lunch room.
But: I've got Rev3.6. Was there any gespacho dip left?
Paz: What's that, like a watermark? Mine just says Rev3..um.., looks like taco sauce. Mmm. Rev3.1, that does it.
But: I think that's parsley. Right there. That's not a one. Was that from the gespacho dip?
DIR: (SFX: Booth speaker): Get a script person in there! Where's the intern? You two go to scene two, it's set up in studio C.
(SFX:WALKING)
But: Why would we need to use a separate studio for a different scene? This is radio?
Paz: That's the problem with this production company. Who's in charge here?
(SFX: open studio door/enter/close door)
But: That's hardly the point...
(dead silence)
But: That's hardly the point...
(dead silence)
But: I said "That's hardly the point"!
Paz: I was waiting for you to pick up your cue...
But: That was YOUR cue! Don't tell me this scene is screwed up too...
Paz: That's not in my script either.
But: I was speaking off-mic...
Paz: See. I don't have that either. Does your page end with the line "The color of spam, sir."?
But: I wasn't reading from the script!
Paz: I know, we'll both work off the same script (SFX: usual papery noise and --- RIP!)
(SFX: Phone rings) (phone rings once more after Paz answers)
Paz: Pazlo here! (ring) Interns!
(SFX: voice on phone, unintelligible but ridiculous. Ridiculously fast, foreign languages, no pauses while Paz is speaking, screeching high pitch, escalating to noise like kaws)
Paz: Well, our dear old friend Detective Marsh. Retired by now I'd hope. What's that? Van Nuys? Hardly know the guy. Didn't catch what you said there...sounded like "beef to reamo"? "Chiefy reno"? No, sorry.
But: Peachy Keen-o?
Paz: Hello? Marsh? Is this a bad phone connection or a bad sound effect? Where's the intern? Marsh? Hello? (aside) The line's gone dead. Sounded like Marsh was in trouble. What'll we do?
But: Delaware and Kansas, and parts of Alabama.
Paz: What?
But: What? That doesn't make any sense...wait.... (SFX: ruffling paper, etc.) Oh for... you taped the top half of page four to the bottom of page fourteen.
Paz: Oh, I thought that was parsely.
But: I can't find the rest of...what are you wiping your hands with?
Paz: Er...paper towels?
But: All right. I thought someone called for a script girl!
Paz: Script people.
But: What?
Paz: Script people. We're not allowed to call them script girls any more. It's an HR thing.
But: But,..they're ALL GIRLS!
Paz: Not anymore. They're script peoples. Wouldn't want to leave out a gender!
But: Yesh, but I mean they're REALly ALL GIRLS.
Paz: You'll have to stop saying that or I may have to report you.
But: To whom?
Paz: HR Lady.
But: Don't you mean the HR PERSON.
Paz: Of course she's the HR person. Why else would she be called the HR Lady?
But: But shouldn't she be called the HR person?
Paz: She is the HR person. You just don't understand management.
BUT: Hey, wait a second, wasn't that your cousin Ed in the mixing booth? What's he doing here?
ReplyDeletePAZ: Ed? Uh, no, I mean, yeah, uh, he's only part time, he needs the money.
BUT: Is he union? Did you clear this with HR Person?
PAZ: This is no time for splitting hairs, there's show to do.
BUT:You know what they say, window dressings just aren't what they used to be.
ReplyDeletePAZ:What? Which page are you on?
BUT: 19 with part of 11. I think this is rev 6.5
BLI: I'm missing pages 9 through 16!
PAZ: Who cares, you're not supposed to be in this anyway
BLI:Nuts to you Pazlo!
PAZ: Pizza face! I'll tear you limb from limb!
(SFX: Ubiquitous fight scene).
BUT:What about Marsh, shouldn't we be looking for him?
ReplyDeletePAZ:Of course not, he's a grown man, he can look out for himself!
BUT:Did you know that he's connected to one of our sponsors?
PAZ: We have sponsors?
BUT:Yeah, that rent-thing you keep jabbering about belongs to his brother-in-law.
PAZ:Huh? Well, what are you standing around for, we've got to find our good friend Retired Detective Marsh!
BUT: Just so you know, the 30 watt bulb in my so-called dressing room burned out again, I need a new one.
ReplyDeletePAZ: what?! I just bought you one three years ago!
What are you, living in there?
BUT:Its a made over broom closet with a single lightbulb, a rickety end table and a three legged barstool!
It still smells like musty floor wax and that stuff they dump on vomit!
PAZ:Look, we can't blow the whole budget on some cockamamie prima Dona. We have more important stuff to consider, like better sound effects and food.
SFX:Cell phone ringtone
ReplyDeleteBUT:Oops! That's me, sorry. It's my stock broker, I gotta take this.
PAZ:This is outrageous, we're in the middle of a case there's no time for this crap, the sound guys are gonna get overtime, the budget director is going to freak out!
BUT:No, go ahead & sell, then pick me up a few hundred shares of GWP. Oh, five hundred at the current rate will do. Thanks Marty, by.
Ok, I'm ready now.
PAZ:Oh, are you talking to me now? I didn't know. Are you sure we can continue l
BUT: Yeah, sorry about that, I've got some serious stock stuff going on right now, gthings are a little screwy.
ReplyDeletePAZ:Screwy, right. Anyway, we've got to fly to California where Marsh was last spotted. He was seen getting into
SFX:Cell phone rings
BUT: its me again, last time, I swear.
PAZ:Oh fer cryin'. Out loud
BUT:Hey Marty. What? Really? That's great, thanks!
I'll have to call the board of directors tomorrow morning, thanks. Bye.
PAZ: Are you finally done?
BUT: Are you finally done,sir.
PAZ:What?
BUT:I now own 59% of GWP, which makes me the major stockholder, owner. and YOUR boss.
PAZ:You can't be my boss!
ReplyDeleteBUT:Why not?
PAZ: You just don't understand how management works!
BUT: Management works?
SFX:Muffled voice of the director promoting them:
ReplyDeleteYou have to go to California...
PAZ: Oh, right, Before we were so rudely interrupted by someones delusions of grandeur...We have to go to California and look for our good friend Retired Detective Marsh.