SFX: Soft soothing music in the bg

ANNC: Just imagine, you're getting ready for that big date, you know, the one where you know you're gonna score.
Then suddenly, you see it (Dramatic music) a hangnail!
Isn't that always the way, they show up at the worst times; the movies, driving to the mall, visiting relatives, shoplifting at the corner store, bowling...
and what can  you do?
You can get fingernail clippers and snip them off, you can duct tape your fingers together or even dip them in hot latex.
But we here at the Roberto Manuel Esteban Julio Carlos Antonio Gomez Ricardo Rodriguez Institutione de Juarez believe there's a better way.
Introducing new Nail-A-Way™. This semi-patened drug will dissolve away those pesky hangnails forever! Just apply three drops to the affected area, cover with a roll of surgical gauze and within hours, the offending hangnail is gone!
Don't believe us, well, if you act now we'll send you not one, but four tubes of Nail-A-Way, but you'll have to act fast, operators are standing by, and if you're not satisfied, just return the unused portion of Nail-A-Way by overnight express (all postage & handling paid by you) and we'll refund half your money! Call Now!

Side affects include, loss of feeling, loss of skin, loss of fingers or toes, loss of interest, loss of self worth, excessive finger and toenail growth, hangnails, sneezing, coughing, watery eyes, watery bowels,
excessive saliva, severe drooling, projectile vomiting, projectile sneezing, loss of hair, loss of teeth, loss of mind, body and soul, explosive flatulence, projectile flatulence, excessive body hair, knuckle dragging, plummeting of IQ, desire to pick fleas & parasites off of those near to you, loud screaming, poo flinging, desire to climb trees and pound on your chest and swing through trees.