Cosmos Lag

(Typical restaurant scene SFX: plates, tableware, breaking glass, screeching cats)

Mr.Hayes-Canell: So, you haven't contributed to the script since last year. Has this thing died a quiet death?

Mr.O'Connor: Last year? Really. Gosh, time flies. Well, I left the planet for a while, just sort of roaming around the cosmos a bit. There's a lot of distraction in the cosmos, y'know.

MHC: Yeah, but still. We've been working on this for like two years and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

MOC: Two years? Are you kidding me? We went 10 years between episodes before "19", and now it's been like 25 years since then. Isn't two years sort of the blink of an eye?

MHC: Well, if you hadn't noticed, none of us are getting any younger.

MOC: Age is a perception, isn't it?

MHC: So, you're going all zen and Buddhist on me, er...?

MOC: There's always been a zen floating around us. Haven't you noticed?

MHC: Oh, I thought that was just a symptom of my eyesight. So what's this all mean? What do you mean you left the planet? Existentially, I presume. I mean, you didn't get in a rocket and blast off or anything did you?

MOC: Oh, no. It's just like that book you gave me, Illusions. It's all a construct. There is no reality except the reality we make. It's easy to course through the galaxy when you're making your own reality.

MHC: Are we talking acid or something, 'cause that's not my bag.

MOC: No, no. All organic I assure you.

MHC: Why didn't you tell me you were going cosmos surfing? Maybe I would have liked to join you. You could at least have left a note or something.

MOC: You did join me, you probably just didn't realize it. Everyone joined me. Folks I love, even folks I didn't love. People who have died before us. It was pretty cool. But crowded.

MHC: So, now you're back, or what?

MOC: Well, I'm here now! I'm here today! Can any of us really guarantee any more than that?

MHC: Wow. How does a zen cosmic surfer come back to this Earth and find he can be amused by something as simple and nonsensical as The Adventures of Pazlo & Butto? Shouldn't you be meditating on the future of forever, or sitting atop a Tibetan mountain imagining you're warm and fed?

MOC: Look, I'm not sure I can explain it. Maybe it can't be explained. maybe you should re-read the book. I've discovered a few important "secrets" on my journey, one of which is the fact that there are so many more "secrets" to discover.

MHC: What are you doing with the quotation marks there? Are they not really secrets? I hate when people over-use quotation marks. And italics. Sometimes you just can't figure out what someone is trying to say.

MOC: Doesn't matter.

MHC: What do you mean "Doesn't matter."? It matters to me, that's why I asked the question.

MOC: Oh, yeah sure. That's not what I mean. I mean it doesn't really matter what people are trying to say. Or, better expressed, it doesn't matter what I'm trying to say. Or if you understand.

MHC: And now italics. Did I mention I hate the over-use of italics?

MOC: You did. I apologize. Anyway, the point is that every time I open this Pazlo box I fall in with both feet. It's the strangest thing, and one of the coolest things I know of, personally. I don't know about you, but I can jump in on a moment's notice and all of a sudden it all comes rushing back "like the wet kiss at the end of a hot fist." Okay, you can't argue with those quotation marks, 'cause it's really a quote.

MHC: Yeah, I know whatcha mean. The characters are well-established, so it's easy to pick up.

MOC: That's true. What I mean is it's almost like a time machine. The characters and the stories, the themes, the running gags, the very tone with which we write, they're kinda timeless. The characters are timeless. When we started out, we were children, fifteen, eighteen years old. Pazlo & Butto are some vague grown-up age, like thirty-seven. Now we're old and they're still thirty seven. Still hanging with the same buds, still abusing Blinds, still unable to investigate their way out of a paper bag.

MHC: I know what you mean, there. It's kind of like picking up where we left off. Only it seems like we just left off like a few years ago. Strange.

MOC: It is strange. And wonderous. And kinda magical. It's also pretty funny. Maybe it's mostly funny to me, but I like to think I have a fairly keen sense of humor, and a high benchmark for complicated, third-order humor.

MHC: You? A high benchmark? With Pazlo?

MOC: Yes, it sounds bizarre, doesn't it? Anyway, I see the "new" concept of the same old show. It's actually not new at all, but the premise of the show to begin with. It goes beyond Firesign Theater's minor references to the fact that they're supposedly recording a radio mystery in a studio. We took that concept and used it as a base and we've built a unique premise.

MHC: (sounding doubtful and questioning) Really?

MOC: Yeah. We not only do the Firesign stuff, like refer to a studio door or say we lost our script. In our show, the show is about... well... the show.

MHC: (scolding) AHT! AHT! Italics!

MOC: How can you hear the italics when I talk?

MHC: Part of the phenomena, references to the written page while we're vocalizing lines.

MOC: Yes! Yes of course! Another example of our phenomena. There have been shows about the radio station, like WKRP In Cincinnatti, and shows about radio shows, like Remember WENN, but what we have is unique. It's about the writers trying to write the script, and the writers are the characters, and the whole studio and the show are an important part. Who owns the studio and the production company. Butto using all of Paz's credit cards without his knowledge, Butto's brother-in-law owning the studio, the development of the buyout by Blinds and Butto and the hostile takeover by GWP.

MHC: Yeah, but that's a "show about a show". Oh, Christ, now you've got me doing the italics. How is our show about a show different than others?

MOC: Yeah, it;s a show about a show, but also about the actors who play the characters. There's the characters and the actors and the writers and the guys that own the company or the studio, then on top of that is the actual case itself! And on top of that is the private lives of the characters and the actors that play the characters.

MHC: You're getting over-excited and repeating yourself, but I think I get the idea.

MOC: I'm not sure I can put it in words. It's like the saying about the journey being about not getting to the destination.

MHC: You mean "it's not the destination, but the journey".

MOC: I do. And I knew I could get you to use more italics.

MHC: Of course you did, you're writing my lines.

MOC: See! It's just that level of complex humor that I love about this thing. In a way, it's vicariously living as Pazlo, in the short bursts, the moments in time when he's in my head and I am in his. It's better than meditation. It's a security and an escape and a fun-filled lark and a link to my past and my greatest best friend ever and a certain endlessness...a perpetuity.

MHC: Whoa! Perpetuity? What the hell are you talking about?

MOC: Sure. These guys, all of them, Marsh, Butto, Buxley, Pazlo, Blinds, Moritorium, Yahtzee, they never change. They go on forever at the same age and slow wit as ever. In fact, when you & I shuffle off the mortal coil and return to the dust from which we are made, Pazlo & Butto will still be here. They'll outlast us, and they'll be as young and beautiful and nonsensical and funny as they ever were.

MHC: Kinda makes you want to treat me with more respect doesn't it? Co-maker of perpetuity.

MOC: Co-makers of perpetuity. We're making our own legacy!

MHC: Legacy seems a bit too...oh...legitimate. We're just goofing around with a script.

MOC: Of course we are. That's why we have 1186 pages to winnow down to two dozen before we can even block the scenes!

BLI: Block the scenes? This is radio? What's to block? You stand there and I'll stand here?

MOC: With all due respect, shut up Blinds.

BLI: Stuff it with your ridiculous existential surrealist bullshit you're dishing out.

MOC: I love that guy!

MHC: Okay. Let me think about this. It'll take a lot of coffee and multiple replays of This Island Earth.

PAZ: If you guys are done yakking, we could get on with these script revisions.

MOC: That's "yacking".

PAZ: Have you looked at what Mr.Butto is riding?

MOC: Oh. I see.

DIRECTOR: Uh, we're going home now. It's five o'clock.

MOC: But the clock is just a construct. Time is not holding us, time is not after us.

MHC: What happened to your little quote thingies there on the Talking Heads lyrics?

MOC: You caught that, eh?

DIRECTOR: Don't forget to set the alarm when you leave.

MHC: So, back to the show. How will we finish this episode?

MOC: Details, details. Remember we have all the time in the world.

MHC: Nothing lasts forever.

MOC: No, but I'll give you the first 40,000 years.

MHC: I'll put the coffee on.

(Throwing of a switch can be heard)

PAZ: Hey, who turned out the lights?

Episode 37.1 scene 678

SFX: Tweeting birds, chirping crickets, maybe some trickling water. Obviously not LA. COP: What the... BUT:Nice downtown, very rural. SFX: Sheep bleating PAZ: Hey, Bo Peep, lose something? COP: These special effects are gettin’ outta hand! BLI: Look at me I’m Cybil Shepard. BUT: Blinds, take that wig off, you’re scaring the sheep. PAZ: They’re gonna stampede, run! SFX: Train noises, sheep bleating, cows mooing, guns firing, cell phones ringing.

on 2/13/13

COP: Okay, if yous guys will just take a seat here in our van...

SFX: climbing into the van. Blinds bursts out running, screaming "PAZLO!" and a knock-down scuffling fist fight ensues. Blinds rants in his rage as he wallops the tar out of Pazlo.

BLI: That's the last time you dim-witted, bald-headed, flat-footed moron! I own you now! OWN YOU! You're fired! You'll never work in this town again! Or some other town, I don't know! I'm gonna kill you, you rotten no-good so-and-so, I don't care, half-brother or not! I'm gonna--- (sudden silence).

BUT: (Slowly & contemplatively) What did you say?

BLI: Uh (Dropping Paz to the sidewalk with a thud)...half-WIT! I said HALF-WIt, HALF-COCKED, HALF-Past a monkey's

PAZ: Nice going half-shaft. You blithering blatherskite...

BUT: But if WE'RE half-brothers and Pazlo is your half-brother...that would make me..(ugh, fainting, hitting the sidewalk)

COP: What the hell is going on here? You guys are droppin' like hothouse flowers. (Assertively:) Get in the truck!

BLI: What? That's a Paddy Wagon! You're not getting me in there!

COP: (pulling a gun) Oh, I'm gonna get you in there, breathin' or otherwise. You guys are worth a grand a head to Moritoriu...uh, Metropolitan police...come on!

PAZ: Let me see your badges.

COP: Badges?

BUT:  No! No! Don't even consider thinking about it.. it's so cliche by now.

COP: Cliches? We don't need to show nobody no stinking cliches.

BLI: Oh, for the love of Pete..hey,..you're unconscious.

PAZ: No, he's Butto, my partner, my sidekick, the other half of "The Adventures of Mr.Pazlo and Butto!"

BUT: That's not the name of the show. Wow, I had the weirdest dream sequence while I was out...

COP: Get in the truck before I let you have it!

PAZ: Well, if you're going to let us have it, isn't it immaterial whether we get in before or after you do so?

COP: What?

BLI: Besides, we don't want it. It's homely and smells bad, and we've got two production trucks and three talent trailers already.

PAZ: Well, two trailers.

BUT: No, there's three.

PAZ: Anyway, we don't need this thing unless we're gonna make a Miners' Wear truck out of it.

COP: Shut up! If you don't shut up you're gonna get it right now!

BLI: So if we keep talking we won't get it?

PAZ: Yeah, I thnk that's the way that works...don't shut up you're gonna get it.

BUT: So if we stop talking you won't give us your smelly Miners' wear truck? Is that what we're hearing?

PAZ: Gosh, shuttin up seems the way to go, otherwise it'll be like a white elephant, I mean we wouldn't want to insult him.

COP: That's it. You've got it coming!

BLI: So it's like a sweepstakes thing? We already won it? I know a lady that won a volvo then she had to come up with two thousand dollars for tax on it...

COP: Who in hell is writing this trash? Don't yous guys understand English. Get in the truck or I'll shoot you. Dead.

BLI: With a cow? How can you even aim that thing?

PAZ: It should be a pig.

BUT: A pig?

PAZ: Yeah, it wuld have a bigger bore! Get it "BOAR"?

COP: If I pay you, will you get in the truck?

ALL: What?

COP: Yeah. I'll pay you when we get there.

PAZ: (whispering): We could use the money.

BLI:(whisper) My trailer needs new lighting.

PAZ:(whisper) shut up Blinds, you babbling fool

BLI:(whisper) I'm gonna rip your face off!

PAZ:(whisper) Bring it on you half-breed buffoon!

BUT:(whispering over a quiet scuffle) Shut up you idiots. It's a trap. That guy's not a real cop. Why is he trying to kidnap us?

PAZ:(whisper) More importantly, do you think the cow is loaded?

BUT:(whisper) This is a real jam..uh..my..brothers. And we're in this together now, I say we make a break for it. Blinds?

PAZ:(whisper)Wait, what, we break Blinds?

BLI:(whisper) Well, maybe it's not such a bad truck, and for free it might..

COP:(whisper) Shut up (Out loud): Shut up and die you sniveling boneheads.

BUT: Grab the cow by the ring!

PAZ: Don't you mean "Take the bull by the horns"?

BLI: This is no time to argue semantics, Pazlo!

SFX:(Major scuffle, some cows, maybe guns. The truck starts.)

BUT: Paz, Blinds, jump in, he's down!

SFX: Screaching tires as they pull away.

PAZ: Someone's following us!

BLI: This is no time to update your blog Pazlo!

PAZ: No, look behind you!

SFX: Cow, followed by breaking glass.!

PAZ: Know how big their guns are?

BUT: What?

PAZ: They're  thirty COW-liber. Get it? COW liber! Ha!

BLI: Get out! I'm gonna throw you right out this door!

PAZ: Wait! Wait! We have to write the chase scene!

BUT: We're already IN the chase scene.

PAZ: Damn! This happened to us back in '81, remember? That case with the nun.

BUT: That's it! Professor Moritorium! That cop slipped and said Moritorium, he must be behind this whole thing.

PAZ: Hey, I think we lost them.

BLI: (suddenly sound effects of screaching tires and gunfire) Not in my revision! Ahh! We're gonna die!

PAZ: (casual motoring sound effects) Now, how can that be?

BUT: Well, there's probably two revisions in re-write at the same time. We often use two writers because one can't figure out how to end a scene so the other one takes over.

BLI: (SFX: noisy chase, yelling.) But how does that end the scene?

BUT: (SFX casual motoring): Well, it doesn't, but it makes for some fast plot twists.

PAZ: What we need is a commercial. Call sales, extension 405.

BLI: (SFX noisy scene:) Hurry! AHHH!!!!

--- CUT TO COMMERCIAL---