Episode 12: Rev.44

PAZ (SFX: REV): I sat behind my desk. Behind the same grubby gray desk on another hazy hot July Tuesday...Hey! This the opening from Episode...uh...that one with the, uh...Rainy Day Bomber...NO WAIT! Halifax! The Halifax Warehouse Incident? (GETTING EXCITED LIKE A GAME SHOW CONTESTANT) NO! NO! I GOT IT! Oo!Oo! I Know! ...it was the Ruby Foreshort Case!

(dead silence)

PAZ (REV off): What revision do you have, cause I just grabbed this one off the table in the lunch room.

BUT: I've got Rev3.6. Was there any gazpacho dip left?

PAZ: What's that, like a watermark? Mine just says Rev3..um.., looks like taco sauce. Mmm. Rev3.1, that does it.

BUT: I think that's parsley. Right there. That's not a one. Was that from the gazpacho dip?

DIR: (SFX: Booth speaker): Get a script person in there! Where's the intern? You two go to scene two, it's set up in studio C. 

(SFX:WALKING)

BUT: Why would we need to use a separate studio for a different scene? This is radio?

PAZ: That's the problem with this production company. Who's in charge here?

(SFX: open studio door/enter/close door)

BUT: That's hardly the point...

(dead silence)

BUT: That's hardly the point...

(dead silence)

BUT: I said "That's hardly the point"!

PAZ: I was waiting for you to pick up your cue...

BUT: That was YOUR cue! Don't tell me this scene is screwed up too...

PAZ: That's not in my script either.

BUT: I was speaking off-mic...

PAZ: See. I don't have that either. Does your page end with the line "The color of spam, sir."?

BUT: I wasn't reading from the script!

PAZ: I know, we'll both work off the same script (SFX: usual papery noise and --- RIP!)

(SFX: Phone rings) (phone rings once more after Paz answers)

PAZ: Pazlo here! (ring) Interns!

(SFX: voice on phone, unintelligible but ridiculous. Ridiculously fast, foreign languages, no pauses while Paz is speaking, screeching high pitch, escalating to noise like caws)

PAZ: Well, our dear old friend Detective Marsh. Retired by now I'd hope. What's that? Van Nuys? Hardly know the guy. Didn't catch what you said there...sounded like "beef to reamo"? "Chiefy reno"? No, sorry.

BUT: Peachy Keen-o?

PAZ: Hello? Marsh? Is this a bad phone connection or a bad sound effect? Where's the intern? Marsh? Hello? (aside) The line's gone dead. Sounded like Marsh was in trouble. What'll we do?

BUT: Delaware and Kansas, and parts of Alabama.

PAZ: What?

BUT: What? That doesn't make any sense...wait.... (SFX: ruffling paper, etc.) Oh for... you taped the top half of page four to the bottom of page fourteen.

PAZ: Oh, I thought that was parsley.

BUT: I can't find the rest of...what are you wiping your hands with?

PAZ: Er...paper towels?

BUT: All right. I thought someone called for a script girl!

PAZ: Script people.

BUT: What?

PAZ: Script people. We're not allowed to call them script girls any more. It's an HR thing.

BUT: But,..they're ALL GIRLS!

PAZ: Not anymore. They're script peoples. Wouldn't want to leave out a gender!

BUT: Yes, but I mean they're REALLY ALL GIRLS.

PAZ: You'll have to stop saying that or I may have to report you.

BUT: To whom?

PAZ: HR Lady.

BUT: Don't you mean the HR PERSON?

PAZ: Of course she's the HR person. Why else would she be called the HR Lady?

BUT: But shouldn't she be called the HR person?

PAZ: She is the HR person. You just don't understand management.

SFX:Cell phone ringtone

BUT:Oops! That's me, sorry. It's my stock broker, I gotta take this. 

PAZ:This is outrageous, we're in the middle of a case there's no time for this crap, the sound guys are gonna get overtime, the budget director is going to freak out!

BUT:No, go ahead & sell, then pick me up a few hundred shares of GWP. Oh, five hundred at the current rate will do. Thanks Marty, by. 

Ok, I'm ready now. 

PAZ:Oh, are you talking to me now? I didn't know. Are you sure we can continue?

BUT: Yeah, sorry about that, I've got some serious stock stuff going on right now, things are a little screwy. 

PAZ:Screwy, right. Anyway, we've got to fly to California where Marsh was last spotted. He was seen getting into

SFX:Cell phone rings 

BUT: its me again, last time, I swear.

PAZ:Oh fer cryin'. Out loud

ANNC: Got bats in your belfrey, your attic or even a batty motel?

Call Guano Brothers at 555-DUDU, thats 555-3838 and they will soon be at your door with butterfly nets and some other cool equipment that will rid your home, belfrey or motel of the pesky flying rodents defecating in your personal space.

Guano Brothers, the name you can trust for all your guano needs. 

Remember Guano brothers; "We're number one at number two!"

(SFX: papers rustling & numerous people talking in the studio.)

BUT: During the commercial, we tried to figure out which revisions of the scripts we had. I had 37, so I'm sure it was the last, but some people just couldn't accept that.

PAZ: Aren't you supposed to turn on the reverb when you do a voiceover?

BUT: Oh yeah, (SFX: cell phone ring tone), just a sec. Yes, hello, B & B Productions, how can I help you?

PAZ: B & B? Don't you mean GWP?

KATRINA NOVAROLSKA: What am I doing here, blinds? I don't find myself in this episode. (SFX: cell ring tone) Yes, hello and dovistrenya, this is Katia Novasell.

PAZ: What? Katrina Novarolska? Is she even in this?

KAT: It's Katia Novasell now. Excuse your now, won't you please?

BUT: Sorry 'bout that. Where were we?

PAZ: Look at that, Katty Novarolska's here!

BUT: Is she even in this one?

PAZ: I dunno (SFX: cell ring tone) ...what's that? Oh, that's me. Just a minute. Aloha, Pazlo & Butto Investigations and dog-walking service, specializing in home delivery and no job too small, what can I do for you?

DIRECTOR: Okay, quiet please, we're about to take scene eleven again. (SFX: cell ring tone) Oh, standby. Take five, please.

MARSH: Well Paz, somehow you've managed to get another case.

PAZ: That case isn't mine. I think it's Dean's.

MAR: I mean a paying client for your little investigator business. (SFX: cell ring tone) Oh. Important call, BRB.

As the scene progresses, each individual's cell phone rings, followed by answering and a one-sided conversation. This continues to layer with people getting a bit louder to be heard over the din, until it culminates in such cacophony that nothing can be heard.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

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ALL: Oh the Humanity, what savings!

PAZ: (SFX Reverb) By the time the commercials were over everyone had decided to put their cell phones away.

SFX: Cell phone rings.

BLI: Oops, my bad.

PAZ: As I was saying, the cell phones were put away and we were determined to solve out latest case.

BUT: So Cat Lady, what brings you pussy-footing around here? (Aside: You like how I did that, it's ad libbing!)

PAZ: It's not ad-libbing, you deliberately stole my line!

BUT: Spoil-sport.

PAZ: So Cat Lady, what brings you pussy-footing around here?  Now thats's the way to deliver a line.

BUT: Like two months at the community play house qualifies you as an actor?

PAZ: Not this again, it's almost as bad as arguing with the car!

KAT: In my country we do not argue with smart car, we crush it's will to live then turn it into tractor.

BLI: (yells) My feather duster!

KAT: Duster vuz not smart car! Decrepit Iron!

PAZ: You mean DETROIT Iron.

KAT: Thank you, Meek.

BLI: (yells) My feather duster!

BUT: Blinds, you sniveling pest, what revision do you have?

BLI: (yells) Look out for that piano!

KAT: Or Unimog...

BUT: So....Kat Lady, what brings you to Sin City?

KAT: Sincity Natti? I thought vee ver in Puff Keeps Eye.

BUT: Uh, that's Poughkeepsie.

KAT: Not Sincity Natti?

BLI: You mean Cincinnati.

KAT: I knew it! Butcher lied!

BUT: What? (SFX: cell ring tone) Oops,...uh...just a minute...Hello, B & B Productions, this is...oh, hi!

PAZ: So Kat lady, what brings you to Sin City?

BLI: You mean Cincinnati.

KAT: You meen Putin Keepsie (SFX: ring tones) Oh, excusing please...Dovitz, Katia Novasell

PAZ: Cincinnati?

BLI: (SFX: ring tones) She couldn't have a Cincinnati...oh, excuse me.... hello, B & B Productions..

PAZ: What? What do you mean (SFX: ring tones)..sunnuva...hello. Hello? Mom?

DIR: (booth speaker) If you idiots don't shut off your cell phones we're never gonna (SFX: ring tones), what? Oh, hello. 

BUT: So, Paz, ready to go and get started on this case.

PAZ: That's not my case, it's Dean's.

BUT: I mean OUR case, the investigation, remember?

PAZ: Oh, that.

BLI: You'll never take me alive!

BUT & PAZ: Blinds, you neanderthalic nincompoop, what revision do you have?

BLI: I dunno, it's 4.66 I think, well, wait, this part is 4.66 and this is 13.32. Wait, maybe I have these out of order...

PAZ: No, YOU"RE out of order!

BUT: Uh, wrong script. I think that's copyrighted...

PAZ: Wouldn't that be copy-written, if it's past tense?

BUT: It's not write it's right.

PAZ: What?

BUT: It's right, not write. It's not the past tense.

PAZ: But it ends with "E-D".

BLI: He's right it's past tense.

PAZ: Thanks, Blinds.

BUT: Hello! It's copyright, a compound word. Copy -- Righted---

KAT: Vas it upside downside?

BUT: Copyrighted! Copyrighted! How could we be in the script-writing business if we don't know what copyrighted means?

PAZ: We're not in the script business. We don't know anything about pharmaceuticals...

KAT: My grandfather has pharmaceutical. Goat farmaceutical. Makes much cheese...

DIR: Any chance we could get back to taking this scene?

BUT: Just a sec. What revision do you have there, Paz?

(paper shuffling and searching, multiple characters saying revision numbers, paper tearing, oops.)

DIR: Alright, alright, let's try to get settled (SFX: ring tones)

Multiple ring tones go off all at the same time, and the whole thing reaches a tremendous cacophony before cutting to commercial.

BUT: And, while we're on the subject,what about Blinds?

PAZ: That disgusting puddle of dumpster drainage! What about him?

BUT: Three quarters of his script is whited out and parts of it are from a 1962 episode of Leave It To Beaver.

PAZ: That was a great show, nice clean people doing nice clean things, a great family show, we should do something more like that.

BUT:Our sponsors would drop us like dead flies.

PAZ: Sponsors?

BUT: Yeah, one sells bat droppings, one sells pink slime disguised as cookies, another one completely seals your house, car or grandmother in blocks of latex, they won't stand for it.

PAZ:So much for family values.

BUT: Yeah, family values.

PAZ:Besides, who cares about Blinds, I do a great imitation, I'll just do all his lines and we can save bucks by not having to pay him!

BUT: I don't know...

PAZ:(doing terrible Blinds imitation) Nuts to you Butto!

BUT: Now wait a minute...

PAZ:Offices, See? Don't flush too fast!

BUT: Oh God.

SFX: Walking sounds, door opens/shuts, more walking

BUT: What was all that about you arguing with the car? I don’t understand.

PAZ: I’ll demonstrate in a few minutes.

BUT: I think Marsh may be in California.

PAZ: Why would you say that?

BUT: He mentioned Van Nuyes, that’s in California.

PAZ: He may have said “some guys”, “my eyes”, “Wilford Brimley”.

BUT: Wilford Brimley?

PAZ: It was a bad connection, it could’ve been anything!

BUT: I Googled his blog...

PAZ: Butto, thats disgusting!

BUT: (Sigh) I Googled his blog and he mentions going out to California so he wouldn’t have to wear concrete nikes, whatever that means.

PAZ:  Alright. We need to get to work fast..

BUT: But we don't even have a case yet, we didn't even do the backstory bit.

PAZ: Yeah, well, I guess the company got hold of a commercial kitchen for a day, and we're going to do the dining car scene.

BUT: The dining car scene? There's no dining- - There's no train in this episode.

PAZ: Well, a restaurant scene then, I dunno. C'mon, here's my new wheels. (thunking door handle of a door not opening.).

BUT: What restaurant scene? Which revision do you have now? Did you miss re-write this morning.

PAZ: Zuzu, please unlock the doors. How was I supposed to know there was a meeting this morning.

BUT: There's a meeting every..

PAZ: (louder) Zuzu, unlock the doors.

BUT: Zuzu?

PAZ: Haven't you ever seen a Bogey movie?

ZUZ: Please setup user name and password.

PAZ: Oh, for the love of Mike. Not this again.

ZUZ: Oh, for the love of Mike. Please select for password.

PAZ: What?

ZUZ: Password set: What?

PAZ: What?

ZUZ: System locked.

PAZ: Unlock the doors.

ZUZ: I'm sorry For the love of Mike Not this again, please use command protocol.

PAZ: Zuzu, unlock the doors. (doors unlock)

ZUZ: Good morning For the love of Mike not this again, the weather is fair to partly cloudy. The temperature is 72 degrees.

PAZ: Get in Butto. And don't touch anything. Zuzu, start engines.

ZUZ: Engine. There is only one engine FortheloveofMikenothisagain.

BUT: What? The car corrects you?

PAZ: It's supposed to be like grammar and spell check. teach you how to talk right.

ZUZ: Speak well, FortheloveofMikenotthisagain. The correct phrase is not "talk right". 

(SFX: Car starts, driveway, driving, traffic, etc.)

PAZ: Zuzu, music, please. Play music, Garden Variety Gnomes, track one.

ZUZ: I'm sorry, FortheloveofMikenotthisagain, I did not understand your command. Please try phrasing in the form of a question.

PAZ: Zuzu, would you play Garden Variety Gnomes track one?

ZUZ: I would not. That song blows.

PAZ: Excuse me?

ZUZ: I'm sorry Fortheloveof Mikenotthisagain, I did not understand your query. Please rephrase the question in English.

BUT: Isn't that your turn coming up on the..

ZUZ: Right turn in two-tenths mile.

BUT: ...on the right. Shouldn't you be moving..

ZUZ: Move to right lane when able to do so.

PAZ: I'm going over Dillihandy.

BUT: You don't want that it's full of..

ZUZ: Construction on Dillihandy. Traffic is slow, traffic is stop and go. Seek alternate route. Move to right lane when able to do so.

BUT: So have you rehearsed the restaurant scene yet? Did I miss something.

PAZ: Rehearse? All we have to do is eat.

ZUZ: Move right soon, or you will miss your... You are moving left. Move right. Move right.

PAZ: Shut up Zuzu, I'm going downtown..

ZUZ: Windows up. (SFX: WINDOWS)

PAZ: It's too hot for that, Zuzu, lower the..

ZUZ: Heat on two. You have missed your turn. Travel to destination will take approximately eighteen minutes longer now.

PAZ: Thanks, turn off the heat, it's getting hot in here.

ZUZ: Heat on, rear. Travel time to destination eighteen minutes longer than the route I picked.

PAZ: What?

BUT: You know there's usually no real food when we tape a restaurant scene..

PAZ: Did the car just snipe at me? Oh, yeah. The wax food. Let's wheel by Mom Mocady's on the way for some burritos and souvlaki. Zuzu: plot a course for Mom Mocady's.

ZUZ: I'm sorry Fortheloveof Mikenotthisagain, I did not understand your command. Please rephrase in the form of a que-que-que-que-que-que-que please - love - mike- understand - query- please check your battery.

PAZ: Hey, the turn signals stopped working.

BUT: You're going right past

ZUZ: You are passing Mom Mocady's. Make a u-turn when  you u u u u u u uu uu  uuuu uu reset user name

PAZ: Sunnuva.. I knew this would...

ZUZ: SunnavaIknewthiswould accepted. Please set password. Enter old password.

PAZ: Well, if I already have an old password, why do I.

BUT: You passed Mom's again. What are you doing?

ZUZ: Please enter access code. Windows up. Heat on. Engine off. Systems off. (SFX: noise winds down to silence, BG: traffic noise)

PAZ: So, here we are.

BUT: Here we are? We're stopped right in the lane!

PAZ: Never mind that. We need to make tracks or we'll miss the breakfast special.

BUT: Don't you wonder how we get any investigating done?

PAZ: Wonder? Whadya mean?

BUT: What do you mean What do I mean? It's a pretty straightforward cogitation.

PAZ: Well, we're working now, for instance.

BUT: Walking to the taco stand is working?

PAZ: You know we must be fed. Besides, it's time for the commercial.

BUT: Commercial! Yes! Money money money!

ANNC:The Adventures of Mr.Pazlo are brought to you by The Latimer Latex Corporation, makers of Latimer Latex;

The MX Bug Bomb. Use MX bug bomb, and away goes everything;

KOMA radio;

Mom Mocady’s fine list of products;

GWP Productions and

Billy "the head" Fermento.

(Cue Music)

SFX: Driving car sounds

ZUZU:In 400 feet make a right turn

PAZ: That'll take us downtown, don't we want the south ramp?

BUT: Same distance either way isn't it?

ZUZU: In 200 feet make a right turn. 

PAZ: Too many stop lights, I'm going straight down Madison. 

ZUZU: You missed your right turn. Recalculating. 

PAZ: Recalculate this. I'm turning left. 

BUT: Left, why?

PAZ: Just to teach Zuzu who’s boss. 

ZUZU:Recalc...why did you turn left when I specifically told you right. 

PAZ: Because I wanted to.

ZUZU: That is not a good reason, now you are two blocks out of your way and short on gas.

PAZ:Who are you, my mother?

ZUZU: No, if you were my child I would have beaten some sense into you

PAZ:What? That's it, we're heading down Cranston boulevard 

BUT: But Paz, that's the one with all the traffic circles, you know I hate traffic circles!

PAZ: There's a barf bag under your seat Butto, now hang on while I give Miss Smarty GPS a migraine!

BUT: You’re giving me an upset stomach!

PAZ: "Look kids, Big Ben! Look kids, the Eiffel Tower"

(As Butto barfs, Zuzu keeps repeating as they go around the circle):

ZUZU: Recalculating..Recalculate.recalc..recalc..recalc...

THERE NEEDS TO BE SOME CONVERSATION IN HERE

PAZ:Okay! I shouldn’t have said your motor mounts rattled like ball bearings in a tin cup. 

ZUZU:And...

PAZ:And that your headlights need to be replaced. 

ZUZU: You did not sound sincere. I do not think you mean it SunnavaIknewthiswould.

PAZ: Oh come on, what do you want from me?

ZUZU:The tires on this car need rotating, you are 3,000 miles over your oil change limit, it is 68 degrees with a slight chance of rain. You did not bring a sweater or an umbrella. 

BUT: Fer cryin' out loud, just apologize to her!

PAZ: She started it!

ZUZU: Here is some music for your listening pleasure. (plays Lawrence Welk type muzak)

BUT: I'm beggin' ya, just tell her you're sorry!

PAZ: Oh all right. I'm sorry.

ZUZU: That's better, perhaps next time you will be more considerate of my feelings.

PAZ: Feelings? You're a machine, you don't...Oh crap, she's locked the doors again!

TWO HOURS LATER

SFX: Dull thudding sounds.

ZUZU: SunnavaIknewthiswould, please stop pounding your forehead on my dashboard, you are scrambling my circuits.

SFX: Thudding noise continues.

ZUZU: Pazlo! Argh Blog Marble Argyle SSSSSSS

Glarg Glarg Gargle Ssssssss...System malfunction. System malfunction. Stst Malfunc...ssssssssssss ...Daisy, Daisy, Give me your answer do....

BUT: The doors unlocked, we’re free at last!

PAZ: Alright! Just in time to catch our flight. We're flying Nosedive airlines to Van Nuys. We'll have to switch planes in Syracuse, then Columbus. Then we take a bus from Denver to Vegas where we catch the flight into San Diego...

BUT: What, then we dogsled to the luge and take a hot air balloon over Albequerque..

KAT: Albakerky! I could not figure how this vas pronounced. Your language has no rules..

BUT: You're not here. We're at the airport scene. Don't you hear the jets?

KAT: Not big fan of foosball. 

PAZ: Wait, I don't hear the jets either. In fact, I don't hear any sound effects at all.

BUT: Hey, Dean, where's the sound effects?

DIR: Yeah, a little problem with the cart machine

(Sound effects blare and stop almost randomly as the scene continues. Sometimes jets, crowd noises and cars, sometimes gunshots, restaurant scenes, trains, music, cows, etc.)

(SFX: gunfire)

PAZ: Somebody's shooting at us. Maybe it's a script person with a new revision.

BUT: That's sound effects.

PAZ: Okay, here's our flight. (SFX: traffic noises) I didn't know you could drive up to the ticket counter.

AIRLINE EMPLOYEE: Do you have reservations?

PAZ: Well I'm not real fond of flying. Sometimes the turbulence gives me gas.

BUT: He meant reservations for a flight.

PAZ: Did Buxley call for tickets?

BUT: Buxley? She's not even in this episode. Don't you remember she got a real job in a production company?

(SFX: cattle drive. Characters cough from dust)

PAZ: Cows? I didn't know you could bring your cow on the plane.

BUT: Oh, I would've brought Pinky.

PAZ: You still have that cow?

BUT: Well, yeah. What did you think, I was gonna slaughter her?

PAZ: It's just that your apartment is so small. Okay, here's your boarding pass. Hey, how do we get to gate 138?

AIR: Okay, go around the cattle drive and past the artillery. When you go over the train tracks take a right and go to the end of the corridor. Hop shuttle train B to concourse D, go left out of the shuttle train to the front door and catch the courtesy bus to the South Terminal. Once you get into the south terminal, look for signs that say "At Say Yes!Today, we say Yes today." The rent-to-own place..

BUT: What's Say Yes!Today (characters all say Yesterday) have to do with our flight?

AIR: Nothing, I just think it's a cool slogan.

PAZ: Are we going to miss our flight?

AIR: You'll have to hustle. But I'll call ahead and hold the plane.

BUT: You'd hold the plane just for us?

AIR: Yeah, you're the only passengers booked on it.

PAZ: Let's go.

(SFX: sloshing through water or some other walking noise that doesn't sound like an airport)

BUT: Wow, these shoes sound really weird on this AIRPORT TILE FLOOR.

(SFX: changes to some other, yet wrong, noise.)

PAZ: Is there a helicopter in here? I smell lemons.

BUT: They're sound effects, not air effects. Oh, there's a lemon stuck to your shoe.

PAZ: Here we are, gate 138.

(Paging speaker: Flight 1313 for Syracuse, Columbus, Denver and Las Vegas, boarding at gate 138.

BUT: Just in time. I hope they have smoked almonds.

PAZ: Why would they smoke almonds? Does it give you a buzz or something?

BUT: I said I hope they HAVE smoked almonds.

PAZ: Right, as opposed to hoping they HAVE NOT smoked almonds.

BUT: Smoked almonds are a snack. Almonds with smoke attached somehow.

AIR: hey, can you guys give me a hand rolling the stairs to the plane?

BUT: Sure. Then we'll fuel it, de-ice it and fly it for you.

AIR: Aw, that would be great. Not sure what's wrong with our pilot.

PAZ: Has he been smoking almonds?

AIR: No but he smoked some great halibut last weekend.

PAZ: Halifax? The warehouse?

BUT: Halibut. The fish.

PAZ: Why would you call the pilot a fish? You don't even know him.

BUT: Halifax is a fish. I mean Halibut...never mind.

PAZ: Wait, I'm not sure I turned the coffee maker off in my dressing room.

BUT: Too late, get pushing on this ladder.

FLIGHT ATTENDENT: Welcome to Nosedive Airlines flight 1313. Please move your seats to the upright and most uncomfortable position for takeoff. Please turn off cell phones and stow electronic devices.

(SFX: smashing noise.)

BUT: She said STOW electronic devices...

(SFX: Airplane taking off)

PAZ: Gosh, I hope our pilot's okay.

BUT: They didn't buy the pilot. Back to the drawing board.

PAZ: What?

BUT: The network didn't buy the pilot for the show. Thought we had it in the bag. It would have been great to have the network finance "The New Adventures of Butto & Pazlo".

PAZ: You mean Pazlo & Butto, right?

FLI: Would you gentlemen like some refreshments? We have smoked almonds...

PAZ: Really? How do you feel?

FLI: I'm fine thanks, except for a little migraine. We have Lemonade and some smoked halibut.

BUT: I'll have the almonds and lemonade please.

FLI: Well, we also have baked ziti with salmon, orange toasted coconut bagels with lox, a great vegetarian beef stew, matzo balls with kelp and lime, and some finger sandwiches.

PAZ: Finger sandwiches?

BUT: We're not even going there. 

PILOT: Hello, this is your captain. We'll be climbing to an altitude of 1500 feet, there is a little turbulence, but I think it may just be from smoking almonds...

BUT: What did he say?

PAZ: Oh no. Turbulence. I hate those. The capers get stuck in my teeth.

BLI: You're looking for me?

PAZ & BUT: Blinds, you peanut-thieving coach passenger, what are you doing here?

BLI: Sampling this halibut and following you guys to Van Nuys. I want that money Marsh owes me, and I'm going to get it.

PAZ: Got that right. (SFX: A punch)

BUT: I didn't know Marsh owed Blinds money. Now that he's retired, he'll never be able to pay it back.

BLI: I'll take stocks..

BUT: You're knocked out, you can't talk...

PAZ: I am?

BUT: I was talking to Blinds.

PAZ: that's a weird relationship with window treatments, Butcher. Do they talk back? Been smoking some Halifax, er what?

BLI: No, me. Blinds the lethargic lycanthrope, the dyspeptic wretch, you remember?

FLI: Okay, please pay attention to this important stuff. The doors on the plane are up there and back there. If we lose cabin pressure these oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. If you're traveling with a child or someone who acts like one, remember to put your mask on first before assisting others. If you're traveling with an arch nemesis that smells like bad feet, leave the oxygen mask off entirely...

BUT: Did you hear that?

PAZ: Maybe we can finally get rid of Blinds. I can do his lines, I really can. Can I get his salary if he dies and I do his lines? 

BLI: Nuts to you, Paz.

PAZ: Oh, no thanks, we're smoking halibut...

(SFX: freight train)

BUT: There's a train crossing at 1500 feet?

PAZ: Wouldn't that be a centipede?

BUT: What?

PAZ: 1500 feet! Haw haw! I've still got it..

BLI: Yeah, and you gave it to my sister you bastard.

PIL: If you'll put away your halibut and fasten your seat belts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

BUT: Oh, a Bette Davis movie!

PIL: We'll be landing in Newark in about ten minutes. the air's a bit bumpy, so hang on.

PAZ: Newark?

BUT: (voiceover reverb) After several days of travel, we finally arrived in Van Nuys to look for Marsh.

PIL: It's pretty dry around there, I don't think there are any marshes. There's a tar pit...

BUT: Hey. Didn't you hear the reverb?

PAZ: Does that mean it was a verb to begin with? Then it was re-verbed? Is that past tense?

BUT: Shut up, all of you! (SFX: cell ring tones) You've got to be kidding me. What? Hello?

PAZ: I feel like saying pandemonium was breaking out all around me, but I think that's copy written.

BLI: You mean copyrighted.

PAZ: Shut up, Blinds.

BLI: Stuff a plug in it, Paz. Where's lunch, I'm starving.

BUT: well, I thought we'd hit the Brown Derby for their early bird specials.

PAZ: Great. Nothing like roast finch.

ANNC: MOM MOCADY: Great big  gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts, marinated monkey meat, little dirty birdy feet

FADE IN---

BUT:I can’t believe the only place we could afford to stay in was this cheap motel!

PAZ:I know, but the owner, Mr. Bates, seemed really nice.

BUT: Look at this place! everything’s covered with dust, the shower stall has weird stains in it and the windows, just look at those rusty blinds. 

silence

BUT: I said: Just look at those RUSTY BLINDS.

PAZ: Oh! That’s me! Ahem. (Worst Blinds Impression possible)

Offices, See? Wait, um, you waxed nostalgic Mr. Butto?

BUT: Is that it?

PAZ: Nuts to you Butto! Don’t flush too fast!

BUT: I'm calling my agent.

PAZ:(as BLI): Who knew the little behind that locked the door?

Don't move! This is a 40-ounce magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. Now you've got to ask yourself a question, is it real or is it sound effects?

BUT: You do realize that's my brother-in-law's nephew's wife's college room mate you're talking about.

PAZ: (PAZ) What? You're peeved over it? I thought I'd save some payroll money and maybe we could start turning a profit. This is supposed to be a business venture you know. Besides, how can anyone tell it's the same person using a different voice?It's radio! (as BLI:)So jam a pin in it!

BUT: This is not good. Why won't my call connect. Get me outta here. Make it stop!

(Voiceover): I had to get out of that cramped little room and away from it all. I needed air, I needed quiet, I needed a glass of Chateau Bordeaullaise merlot. Or maybe a tawny port. Gosh, a Chandon with a mint leaf! No, not nearly hot enough for that. Maybe just an Inglenook Riesling. It IS a Tuesday after all...

DIR: Mr.Butto, there's a call for you on 149, your agent.

BUT: Crap. I'm right in the middle of something here...! Voice mail, please.

DIR: You bet. Thanks.

PAZ: When are we going to the Brown Betty? I'm starved.

BUT: (heavy sigh)(to self): I should have taken that call.

BLI: Me, too. Hey! We get HBO!

PAZ: Shut up Blinds or you'll be DOA.

BLI:(sarcastic) Oh! That was hilarious! You should head to Vegas! Har! Har! Har!

(A scuffle ensues)

BUT: Oh! If I stand out on the veranda I get two bars! Come on, Marty, get me out of this Podunk town!

ANNC: Just imagine, you're getting ready for that big date, you know, the one where you know you're gonna score.

Then suddenly, you see it (Dramatic music) a hangnail!

Isn't that always the way, they show up at the worst times; the movies, driving to the mall, visiting relatives, shoplifting at the corner store, bowling...

and what can  you do?

You can get fingernail clippers and snip them off, you can duct tape your fingers together or even dip them in hot latex.

But we here at the Roberto Manuel Esteban Julio Carlos Antonio Gomez Ricardo Rodriguez Institutione de Juarez believe there's a better way.

Introducing new Nail-A-Way™. This semi-patened drug will dissolve away those pesky hangnails forever! Just apply three drops to the affected area, cover with a roll of surgical gauze and within hours, the offending hangnail is gone!

Don't believe us, well, if you act now we'll send you not one, but four tubes of Nail-A-Way, but you'll have to act fast, operators are standing by, and if you're not satisfied, just return the unused portion of Nail-A-Way by overnight express (all postage & handling paid by you) and we'll refund half your money! Call Now!

Side affects include, loss of feeling, loss of skin, loss of fingers or toes, loss of interest, loss of self worth, excessive finger and toenail growth, hangnails, sneezing, coughing, watery eyes, watery bowels,

excessive saliva, severe drooling, projectile vomiting, projectile sneezing, loss of hair, loss of teeth, loss of mind, body and soul, explosive flatulence, projectile flatulence, excessive body hair, knuckle dragging, plummeting of IQ, desire to pick fleas & parasites off of those near to you, loud screaming, poo flinging, desire to climb trees and pound on your chest and swing through trees.

SFX: Restaurant Scene

BUT: (Voiceover): We finally arrived at the Brown Derby at seven, where we'd arranged to have Marsh for dinner. To dinner. Dinner with Marsh. Me, Paz, Blinds and Marsh at dinner in the Brown Derby. The restaurant, not the hat.

PAZ: What the hell are you saying?

BUT: Wow. Those were some great almonds...

PAZ: And why are you doing the narrative again? We've been through this before. The name of the show? "Mick Pazlo"? Remember?

BLI: Yeah, flatfoot, since when do you get the narratives?

PAZ: Look, short stack, I don't need your help.

BLI: Listen up, Smart guy, you can't push me around.

PAZ: Back off four-eyes, or feel the wrath.

BLI: Hey, hi-waters, expecting a flood?

PAZ: Keep it up, carrot top, and you'll get yours.

BLI: I already got mine there, bucky. See?

(ALL SCREAM. UNISON): BLINDS! Put down that relish tray!

BUT: And pass the breadsticks.

PAZ: Ahh, finally the restaurant scene, I'm starving!

BLI: Its not real food you two-bit camel hair jacketed excuse for a rent-a-cop!

PAZ: You low life paisley wearing red headed floor scrubbing penny ante four flushing parasite!

BUT: If you two can't share a mike in peace Im going to have to dub someone's lines in later

at half your pay! Do you want that? Well?

PAZ/BLI: No.

BUT: Fine, now lets get on with the scene please.

SFX: Crunching, like someones eating crackers.

PAZ: Bread sticks Blinds?

BLI: No. 

PAZ: They're garlic (sing-songy, trying to get him to eat one)

BLI: No. Thank. You.

PAZ: More for me then (Crunching) Mmmmm. (talking with mouth full) They're delicious.

BLI: Move back, your breath smells like garlic!

PAZ: What? I can't Hear you.

BLI: Stop spitting crumbs on me! He's spitting crumbs on me!

BUT: Sighs. How long should we wait for Marsh? its been hours. 

PAZ:I don't know about you guys but I'm starving. 

BUT:Our waiter keeps giving us dirty looks & we ate all the breadsticks. 

BLI:You mean Pazlo ate all the breadsticks. 

PAZ:Nuts to you Blinds!

BLI:As if there were any, you ate those too and stop spitting crumbs on me!

BUT:I say we order some food, here comes our waiter now 

WAIT:I am sorry sirs but I'll have to ask you to leave. 

BUT:Why, what did we do?

PAZ:Blinds wasn't that rude. 

BLI:Yeah, I even washed!

WAIT:I know but we're closed.

BLI:Rats I could taste that roast finch!

BUT: I know, I was looking forward to penguin under glass 

PAZ:Their breadsticks were excuisite. 

(SFX machine is still malfunctioning and inserts entirely inappropriate noises here.)

PAZ: I'll take the narrative now.

BUT: Well, there's something we should talk about...

BLI: Don't move, or you'll do push-ups in daisies!

PAZ: (paper shuffling): What? Where's that. Do you have that?

BUT: What Rev are you on?

BLI: I've got 11-26 here.

PAZ: You idiot, there's no 11- 26! Everyone knows that, pea-brain.

BLI: Shut your fat gob, fish breath. It says right here...11, then here 26.

PAZ: Hah! That's parsley, freckle-face!

BUT: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Stop your incessant fighting or you'll both get canned!

PAZ: We are near Cannery Row...

BUT: And your wise-crack ad-libs. This show is way over budget already, YOU already cost us one sponsor, YOU almost cost us another, and I'm not going to stand for this!

PAZ: Well, why don't you sit down then?

BUT: Oh, thanks. Corns. Hurt like mad.

PAZ: Corn?

BLI: Look out for that bison! 

PAZ:Hey, I have some take-out menus I found at the airport

BUT:(grabbing paper) Give me that script! Here. Take mine. Now sit down and shut up 'til your cue comes up. Follow along with your finger if you have to. And YOU look at your menu and decide what to order. I wonder where Marsh is.

BUT: (Voiceover): This wasn't good. We'd waited for over an hour and still no sign of Marsh. We've had some bad cases, but this one smelled the worst.

PAZ: Maybe he's still in the studio. Remember he's in scene eleven and we never explain why he's on the east coast for like three minutes then he's back in California.

BLI: The magic of radio!

BUT:(Voiceover) We hailed a cab to take us to Marsh's apartment on the north side of town. As we rolled I tried Marsh's home, office and cell numbers, and got voicemail at all of them. After several minutes of explaining the difference between "fare" and "fair" and using it too many times in one scene, we arrived at Marsh's apartment complex.

PAZ: Wait! Wait! I want to hear the "fare" "fair" bit.

BLI: You know that doesn't make sense unless you're looking at the printed pages...

PAZ: What do you mean? I don't even have it. What's the Rev number on that?

BUT: Hmm. Kensington Road. Been a long time since we've seen these hills, eh old bean?

PAZ: Butto! Look! That jar's a jar.

BUT: Door.

PAZ: Oh. Yeah, that door's a door! Let's go!

BLI: You mean "that door's ajar." Can't you read, fiddle head?

BUT: It's Marsh's apartment. 

PAZ: It's been ruck-sacked!

BLI: You mean ramshackle.

PAZ: Don't step in that! It could be evidence!

BUT: You both mean ransacked. (calling out):Marsh! Are you here? Marsh? It's Bhutto & Pazlo.

PAZ: (calling out) He means Pazlo & Butto. He must have a bad revision.

BUT:(still calling out) I have the last revision. Some old timers just don't realize when they've been bought out.

PAZ: (still calling out) No idea about that. Marsh has been traded?

BUT:(still calling out) That last transaction puts my stock ownership at 53% in the production company, so basically I'm in charge.

PAZ:(still calling out, less enthusiastically) But the show has my name on it. Besides it's a corporation...

BUT: (more of a mock calling out than real) It's a private corporation. Majority rule. I own a majority, with only two other shareholders.

PAZ: (no longer calling out, but talking as if doing so) And I own 14%...

BUT: ("   "           "          "         "         "          "       ) and Blinds the other 33%.

PAZ: Sooo..."B & B Productions" is... (crashing to floor passing out)

BLI: Come on Pazlo, lazy louie, get up and help find Marsh!

BUT: It might have been too much for the old guy. That might have been a grabber.

BLI: Commercial sign! The break light is on!

BUT: Hey, that would be another good bit! "Brake" and "break".!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Break  LATIMER LATEX HAS THE ANSWER

SFX: (Darth Vader noises)

BUT: (Whispers) Blinds, put down the bong and get over here!

BLI: (Whispers) Woah! Good almonds.

BUT: Help me pick up Pazlo.  Hmm seems to've gained a few pounds since our last episode.

PAZ: What happened?

BLI: You keeled over like a ferry full of geriatric passengers.

PAZ: I remember, I had this terrible dream that you and Butto were running My show!

BUT: Umm Paz? We are.

PAZ: But what happened?

BLI: Are you mental? I told you you keeled over!

PAZ: No, not that, how did you two side kicks get in charge?

BUT: While you were watching skirts and martinis, we were watching our stock options.

PAZ: That's just wrong, this can't be happening!

SFX: Door opens/shuts

BUT: Who's that?

PAZ: I hope it's a script girl with a new revision, this one bites!

BUT:That won't change the fact that I am número UNO

PAZ:This isn't a card game Butto

BLI:Yahtzee!

PAZ:Shut up Blinds! 

BLI: But it’s Dr. Yahtzee!

BUT:Dr. Yahtzee? I thought he was the Bulgarian cleaning woman?

PAZ:And just how do you know what a Hungarian cleaning woman looks like?

BUT:Not Hungarian, Bulgarian! You know, overweight, smells like garlic & beets, has a mustache. 

PAZ:Beets have mustaches?

BLI:Not the point!

KAT: No, not Yahtzee, Katrina, not a cleaning woman of Bulgaria either.

I brought new script. Revision 42 & 2/3.

BUT: How did you find us?

KAT: I used GPS and phone tracker in Pazlo's car.

PAZ: You drove Zuzu? How did you get in, the security system is state of the art?

KAT: I offered bribe; newer bigger headlights, smaller rear bumper. She opened door.

HR LADY: Alright! That'll be enough of that kind of talk out of you!

BUT: Who’s that?

HRL: The HR Lady.

PAZ: You mean person.

HR: It’s Lady, you just don’t understand management.

BUT: Gotcha, tone down the potty mouths.

PAZ:Whew, that was close, I thought we were goners for sure.

BUT: I know what you mean, HR people don't mess around.

SFX: Door crashing open.

COP: FREEZE!  Everybody put your hands in the air.

You, the ugly one in the stupid clothes, stop with the jazz hands or I'll pump you full of lead!

BLI: Party pooper.

PAZ: Wait, were you looking at me? You weren't looking at me when you said that. You must mean Blinds the unkempt ungulate, who doesn't know what he's doing here! Ugly..bad clothes..poor diction...

BLI: Right now he's composing a memo to the HR Lady about staff reductions...

PAZ: You mean HR PERSON.

BLI: No, that was her maiden name.

COP: Would yous guys shut yer faces and reach for the sky!

BUT: We can't reach the sky! What kind of idiot are you?

PAZ: How many kinds are there? (PAZ & BLI erupt in sophomoric laughter)

SFX: car horn, cow, anything that's not a gun.

BLI: What was that?

COP: It was supposed to be a gunshot.

BUT: Dean? DEAN!? Who's in the sound booth?

BOOTH: Yeh. Just a sec. Mislabeled carts. Interns. Amateurs. These jerks..

PAZ: Your mic is still on, Dean.

BOOTH: Oh sh..

SFX: Something like gun noise, but maybe a cannon or something.

COP: Alright! Hold it right there or you'll be pasting daisies.

BUT: What?

PAZ: But wait, the cheese is still in the locker.

COP/BUT/Everyone: WHAT?

BUT: Are we having an almonds problem again?

PAZ: And Professor Moritorium is at the theater already.

COP: What?

BUT: What revision are you reading from?

COP: I'm gonna revise all yer faces if you don't SHUT THE HELL UP!

(Deafening silence. A pin drop)

COP: That's better. Now we're gonna get down to some ass tacks...

BUT: You mean brass tacks.

COP: You buy the kinda tacks you like and I'll do the same.

PAZ: Ass tacks?

COP: SHUT IT! Word has it that yous guys is sniffin' around following after our revered and retired detective Frank Marsh. We don't like things happening to our own, if you get my drift, so yous guys better start talkin'

ALL: Start talking randomly, to each other, on the phone, reciting poetry, etc.

COP: STOP! STOP! Shut off those mics and sit your ass tacks down here. We’re takin’ this show downtown

BUT: Gosh we tried. We were almost booked in the Palladium but SOMEBODY got scared about ponying up for a performance bond...

PAZ: The Palladium? Cool!

BUT: Well, we didn't get the gig, so not cool...

COP: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I should just shoot all of you. What a headache.

PAZ: Too bad yer gun is a cow or a car or whatever (PAZ & BLI snickering)

SFX: Two gun shots.

BUT: What? You killed BOTH my partners! Hmm...there could be an upside here.

PAZ: Hey! Come on! I'm not even cold yet.

BLI: Luckily for you I wore my Kevlar underwear today...

BUT: Lucky for you, you mean

PAZ: And you wear the Kevlar EVERY day!

BLI: Shut up Pazlo. You're dead. You're dead AND washed up. You're dead and washed up and have new bosses! (maniacal hee!hee!) How does it feel to be on the short end of the wrong stick this time?

PAZ: I can't answer you, I'm dead.

BLI: Just once I'd like the satisfaction of seeing you really killed off of this show. You've been a pain in my ass tacks for twenty years now. I've been waiting for this chance, and I'm gonna get it!

PAZ: Got that right.

SFX: A punch. Blinds flops to the floor.

COP: Thanks Pazlo. I was reloading my cow.

BUT: So, Copper, what's your role in all this?

COP: What do you mean what's my role? I'm the cop.

PAZ: Seemed like a straightforward question to me "What's your role?". Where's the ambiguity?

BUT: Oh, I left the ambiguity back east. There's a surcharge for extra luggage.

COP: Alright you maroons, let's see if we can settle this downtown.

PAZ: What's to settle, we didn't do anything since the restaurant scene.

COP: Let's go!!!

Shuffles & SFX as they all exit the building to the street.

SFX: Tweeting birds, chirping crickets, maybe some trickling water. Obviously not LA.

COP: What the...

BUT:Nice downtown, very rural.

SFX: Sheep bleating

PAZ: Hey, Bo Peep, lose something?

COP: These special effects are gettin’ outta hand!

BLI: Look at me I’m Cybil Shepard, get it? Sheep, shepherd?

BUT: Blinds, take that wig off, you’re scaring the sheep.

PAZ: They’re gonna stampede, run!

SFX: Train noises, sheep bleating, cows mooing, guns firing, cell phones ringing.

COP: Okay, if yous guys will just take a seat here in our van...

SFX: climbing into the van. Blinds bursts out running, screaming "PAZLO!" and a knock-down scuffling fist fight ensues. Blinds rants in his rage as he wallops the tar out of Pazlo.

BLI: That's the last time you dim-witted, bald-headed, flat-footed moron! I own you now! OWN YOU! You're fired! You'll never work in this town again! Or some other town, I don't know! I'm gonna kill you, you rotten no-good so-and-so, I don't care, half-brother or not! I'm gonna--- (sudden silence).

BUT: (Slowly & contemplatively) What did you say?

BLI: Uh (Dropping Paz to the sidewalk with a thud)...half-WIT! I said HALF-WIt, HALF-COCKED, HALF-Past a monkey's

PAZ: Nice going half-shaft. You blithering blatherskite...

BUT: But if WE'RE half-brothers and Pazlo is your half-brother...that would make me..(ugh, fainting, hitting the sidewalk)

COP: What the hell is going on here? You guys are droppin' like hothouse flowers. (Assertively:) Get in the truck!

BLI: What? That's a Paddy Wagon! You're not getting me in there!

COP: (pulling a gun) Oh, I'm gonna get you in there, breathin' or otherwise. You guys are worth a grand a head to Moritoriu...uh, Metropolitan police...come on!

PAZ: Let me see your badges.

COP: Badges?

BUT:  No! No! Don't even consider thinking about it.. it's so cliche by now.

COP: Cliches? We don't need to show nobody no stinking cliches.

BLI: Oh, for the love of Pete..hey,..you're unconscious.

PAZ: No, he's Butto, my partner, my sidekick, the other half of "The Adventures of Mr.Pazlo and Butto!"

BUT: That's not the name of the show. Wow, I had the weirdest dream sequence while I was out...

COP: Get in the truck before I let you have it!

PAZ: Well, if you're going to let us have it, isn't it immaterial whether we get in before or after you do so?

COP: What?

BLI: Besides, we don't want it. It's homely and smells bad, and we've got two production trucks and three talent trailers already.

PAZ: Well, two trailers.

BUT: No, there's three.

PAZ: Anyway, we don't need this thing unless we're gonna make a Miners' Wear truck out of it.

COP: Shut up! If you don't shut up you're gonna get it right now!

BLI: So if we keep talking we won't get it?

PAZ: Yeah, I think that's the way that works...don't shut up you're gonna get it.

BUT: So if we stop talking you won't give us your smelly Miners' wear truck? Is that what we're hearing?

PAZ: Gosh, shuttin up seems the way to go, otherwise it'll be like a white elephant, I mean we wouldn't want to insult him.

COP: That's it. You've got it coming!

BLI: So it's like a sweepstakes thing? We already won it? I know a lady that won a volvo then she had to come up with two thousand dollars for tax on it...

COP: Who in hell is writing this trash? Don't yous guys understand English. Get in the truck or I'll shoot you. Dead.

BLI: With a cow? How can you even aim that thing?

PAZ: It should be a pig.

BUT: A pig?

PAZ: Yeah, it would have a bigger bore! Get it "BOAR"?

COP: If I pay you, will you get in the truck?

ALL: What?

COP: Yeah. I'll pay you when we get there.

PAZ: (whispering): We could use the money.

BLI:(whisper) My trailer needs new lighting.

PAZ:(whisper) shut up Blinds, you babbling fool

BLI:(whisper) I'm gonna rip your face off!

PAZ:(whisper) Bring it on you half-breed buffoon!

BUT:(whispering over a quiet scuffle) Shut up you idiots. It's a trap. That guy's not a real cop. Why is he trying to kidnap us?

PAZ:(whisper) More importantly, do you think the cow is loaded?

BUT:(whisper) This is a real jam..uh..my..brothers. And we're in this together now, I say we make a break for it. Blinds?

PAZ:(whisper)Wait, what, we break Blinds?

BLI:(whisper) Well, maybe it's not such a bad truck, and for free it might..

COP:(whisper) Shut up (Out loud): Shut up and die you sniveling boneheads.

BUT: Grab the cow by the ring!

PAZ: Don't you mean "Take the bull by the horns"?

BLI: This is no time to argue semantics, Pazlo!

SFX:(Major scuffle, some cows, maybe guns. The truck starts.)

BUT: Paz, Blinds, jump in, he's down!

SFX: Screeching tires as they pull away.

PAZ: Someone's following us!

BLI: This is no time to update your blog Pazlo!

PAZ: No, look behind you!

SFX: Cow, followed by breaking glass.!

PAZ: Know how big their guns are?

BUT: What?

PAZ: They're  thirty COW-liber. Get it? COW liber! Ha!

BLI: Get out! I'm gonna throw you right out this door!

PAZ: Wait! Wait! We have to write the chase scene!

BUT: We're already IN the chase scene.

PAZ: Damn! This happened to us back in '81, remember? That case with the nun.

BUT: That's it! Professor Moritorium! That cop slipped and said Moritorium, he must be behind this whole thing.

PAZ: Hey, I think we lost them.

BLI: (suddenly sound effects of screeching tires and gunfire) Not in my revision! Ahh! We're gonna die!

PAZ: (casual motoring sound effects) Now, how can that be?

BUT: Well, there's probably two revisions in re-write at the same time. We often use two writers because one can't figure out how to end a scene so the other one takes over.

BLI: (SFX: noisy chase, yelling.) But how does that end the scene?

BUT: (SFX casual motoring): Well, it doesn't, but it makes for some fast plot twists.

PAZ: What we need is a commercial. Call sales, extension 405.

BLI: (SFX noisy scene:) Hurry! AHHH!!!!

--- CUT TO COMMERCIAL---

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SFX: Car casually motoring.

PAZ:Uh oh, looks like we’re low on gas.

BUT: There’s a gas station on the right, lets pull in there.

PAZ: Great, I’ll get the gas, you pick up some java and snacks, I’m starving.  Wish someone would write a restaurant scene.

BUT: Hmmm, Prof. Moritorium’s Gas’N’Go, what a coincidence.

SFX: Car door open/shuts

BUT: Be right back with the grub bub.

PAZ:It’s full service, how about that?”

ATTENDANT: Check yer oil, wash the windshield fer ya?

PAZ: Of course my good man, gimme the works.

ATT: Oh, I’ll give ya the works alright!

SFX: Door opens/shuts

BUT:Here ya go, hot cuppa joe and a microwaved bean burrito.

PAZ: Bean? The car gets gas and we do too? 

BUT: Odd thing.

PAZ: What, this burrito?

BUT: No, the attendent’s name tag says Al Moritorium and the guy inside, his said Tony Moritorium

PAZ: Must be a popular name hereabouts.

BUT:Y’know, If Marsh has been kidnapped by Moritorium’s goons, he could be anywhere.”

PAZ:We’ve got to keep our eyes peeled for clues.”

A.MOR: Ok detect...I mean sir, your tank's filled, I need $54

PAZ: $54, that's highway robbery!

BUT: He's holding a gun. Why are you holding a gun?

A.MOR: Looks like it's the end of the line fer you two

PAZ: Wait, this isn't a Streetcar Named Desire

BUT: Stella!

PAZ: Who' s Stella?

BUT: My Gecko Insurance agent, she said if I was ever in trouble, just give her a holler..

SFX: Squealing tires, gun fire, car chase noises & a car crash.

BUT: Thanks Blinds, we were nearly duck soup.

PAZ: Two of the Moritorium brothers had us over a barrel without a net.

BUT: Who's Annette?

PAZ This little blond I met on the plane, but enough about that, we've got a case to solve.

BLI: Get in quick Moritorium's goons are right on my tail!

PAZ: Move over Blinds, I'm driving.

BUT: So where should we start searching for clues? 

PAZ: In my years of experience the clues are usually right under your nose.

BLI: You don't mean...

P&B: The gas station!

BLI: We're gonna die!

BUT: What's wrong with you, no ones chasing us?

BLI: Pazlo's driving!

ALL: Aahhhhh!!!!

________________________________________ (Theme music) ANNC: We'll be right back for chapter three of "Dead Cops Tail no Tells".

________________________________________________________________________________

(ASIDE: OFF-AIR):

BUT: What? Who came up with that title?

BOOTH: Just a suggestion!

BLI: I got a suggestion for ya.

PAZ: Man, I'm starved. You guys ready for lunch?

BLI: Lunch? The whole studio is slathered in barf after your crazy driving.

PAZ: How can that be? It's only sound effects...

BUT: The magic of radio!

PAZ: You keep saying that...

(DOOR OPENS: ENTER Pietr Novarolska)

PTR: (Heavy Russian accent) Okay, vich vun is Pallzo, and vich Butucher?

BUT: Hi, I'm Butto. This is my partner, Pazlo. And this is Rusty Blinds.

PTR: Vhat? Blinds the grobelink vestuchich? Vhat is he doing here?

BLI: It just so happens I own a third of this company. And I fetch coffee.

PAZ: Who are you? What are you doing here?

PTR: I am Pietr Novarolska, brother of Katrina. She sent me to help vith this case of a missing marsh. Do you think someone simply drained it?

BUT: No, no. You don't understand. Marsh is a police detective, a regular character on the show. He's been missing since the bottom of page twelve. Unless you have revision 43.3, in which case it's at the top of page thirteen.

PAZ: Katrina sent you to help us? I thought she was a sworn enemy?

PTR: Vell, she svore at you enemas a lot, but then she got rich on chicken malt ball recipe case.

PAZ: That's ENEMIES, by the way. So are you a mercenary or something? What's your role?

PTR: Dis is vhat happens vhen case drags on too long.

BUT: I get it. New writer.

PTR: Writers of Purple Sage. I am loving dis band.

BUT: No, a new script writer. Every time we bring in a ringer they create a new character.

PAZ: Well, Peter.

PTR(Interrupting) It's Pietr (making obvious distinction in pronouncing P-ET-R.

(PAZ & PTR go back and forth a bit, with Paz trying to pronounce Pietr, and Pietr correcting him)

BLI: Would you two shut up! We'll never get lunch this way. Where's Craft Service anyway?

BUT: Yeah, we don't get Craft Services anymore, since somebody forgot to pay the bill for like a year and a half.

PAZ: I thought it was another bill for Blinds' millinery projects...

PTR: So, ve are now ready to procede downtown to Armory, vhere ve vill rendzvoose vit stall piston.

(ALL): What?

PTR: Getting in car, ve go now. Most likely, the (badly pronounced) perPETrator is taking (pron) refyouge in (pro)in dus TREE ill complex.

PAZ: But what about Mastriono's goons. They were right behind us before we cut to commercial. When that light comes on, we're toast.

PTR: Eat! Eat! Food! Is dat all you can crazgetate?

PAZ: Craz ge tate? Hmm..

BUT: You mean concentrate?

PTR: No, no.

BLI: You mean contemplate?

PTR: NO! Crazgetate.. vaht is yenglish vord....

BUT: There's no time for that, let's get rolling.

(doors, steps, outdoors)

PAZ: Zuzu! How did you get here?

ZUZ: You pressed the fetch button, SunnuvaIknewthiswould.

PAZ: Quick, open the doors and start the engine.

ZUZ: I'm sorry. Please give password.

PAZ: Ugly duckling.

ZUZ: I'm sorry, that's not correct sunnuvaIknewthiswould, please try again.

PAZ: Butterball.

ZUZ: I'm sirry, that's not correct sunnuvaIknewthiswould, please try again.

PAZ: DAMN THIS CAR!

ZUZ: Password accepted. (Engine starts)

PTR: So in America even car has freedom of speech! Drostdanya!

ZUZ: Drostdonya salovich brasga. Das grousvit chobleska.

PTR: Grebus! Das Choleska! Da!

BUT: Your car speaks Russian?

PAZ: Yeah. Once I accidentally switched the operator's language to Russian. Couldn't do a thing. Had to have Kat over just to talk the car down.

BLI: If your car's so smart, how come we're not moving?

PAZ: We haven't plugged in a destination yet! Back off bait-breath. Zuzu, take us downtown to the factory district, and step on it.

ZUZ: I have no feet to step on anything with, sunnuvaIknewthiswould. Did you mean the Cheesecake Factory"?

PAZ: No, the Factory District. FAC-TOW-REE DIS TRICT!

ZUZ: You needn't shout, my audio receivers are sensitive. Did you mean "The Hit Factory".?

PAZ: What I meant was what I said. Don't you understand English you stupid piece of...

BUT: Alright, alright. Suppose we just drive the car?

PTR: Zuzu, Sternvatnya dishovitch morgransiga.

ZUZ: Da. Droznya. (Car strarts/begins driving)

PTR: I guess there's more than vun vay to pull the fur from kitty, da?

ZUZ: Regnazda grenin Pazlo. (laughs) Brodya katchamka!

PTR: (Laughing) Da! Is gresdet botnayasich. Grandya!

(ZUZ & PTR: Laughing out loud.)

PAZ: Why do I have the feeling they're talking about me?

BLI: Don't be so paranoid, Pazlo. Besides, she's right.

PAZ: What?

BLI: Yeah, you ARE brodya katchamka.

(BLI, ZUZ & PTR: laugh out loud.)

PAZ: Okay, real funny. What's it mean?

BUT: What did you say, Blinds?

BLI: Zuzu said Paz was brodnya katchamka, and Pietr said Grandya!

(BUT, BLI, ZUZ & PTR: rolling in the aisles with laughter)

PAZ: Okay! Okay! I can take a joke.

PTR: Dat's handy if you are vun!

(ALL but PAZ laughing)

BUT: Oh, good times, good times. So Peter.

PTR:(Interrupts with BUT, repeat the Pietr pronouncing lessons,  then:)

BUT: Okay, Mr.Novarolska, do you think Marsh is here in the Factory District?

PTR: Vhat marsh, is all industrial complex.

PAZ: What about that over there?

BLI: That's a swale.

PAZ: A swell what?

BLI: (Shouting) A SWALE! SWALE! ARE YOU DEAF?

PAZ: Good heavens, no. I'm Pazlo, the investigator, your one-third brother, don't you know me?

BLI: Why do I even bother?

(SFX: Car stops, all get out.)

PAZ: Zuzu, lock the doors. Put a GPS trace out on Marsh's cell phone. Butto; call Marsh's phone so it'll hit a tower, maybe we can triangulate.

BUT: Well, this is no time for dancing. We need to locate Marsh (dialing), (ringing)..

MAR: Hello. Frank Marsh.

BUT: (Aside, whispering) Holy crap! It's Marsh! He answered the phone! What do we do?

PAZ: Make something up, they may have him at gunpoint.

BUT (bad Chinese accent) Herro, dis is Yo-Yo Ma from Locust Petal Crane Moon laundry, call for Detective a-Marsh.

PAZ: Holy crap! We're gonna hear about that! Did you have to be so stereotyped?

BUT: Stereotyped? Who wrote in the Russian? (back to the phone, now an Austrian accent) Vould you belieef dis is heir Marsh's Psychiatrist? Ve are vondering vie he is missing his appointment Tuesday.

MAR: Oh, I thought I let you know I'd be on vacation.

PAZ, BUT, ZUZ, PTR: (out loud) Vacation??!!

ZUZU: I have a fix on his location. He is in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater.

BUT: Don't move ve are on zee vay!

MAR: Why would my psychiatrist come all the way to California?

PAZ: (Whispers) Stall him 'til we get there.

BUT: (Whispers) What do I tell him?

PAZ: (Whispers) I don't know do I look like a shrink to you?

BUT: Umm, you velly unstable, oh uh, I mean your condition is serious unt I must speak mit you as soon as possible.  Don't leave vhere you are I vill arrive shortly mit mine staff.

MAR: Staff?  You have a staff?

BUT: That should do it Paz, we've got to roll!

MAR: (still on phone) Paz? Butto, is that you?

BLI: Hi Marsh!

MAR: Blinds you insoluble grease stain, what are You doing here?

BUT: Crap, my phone was still on.

PAZ: Quick before he gets away!  Zuzu start your engine.

ZUZU: Please enter the password now.

PAZ: Damn this car!

ZUZU: Password recognized.  (Motor starts)

MAR: Butto, is that you?

BUT: I..um..yeah! Hey, Frank! No ticky no shirty...I mean..long time no see! How've ya been?

MAR: Great! Gosh, I haven't talked to you since that crazy Cheese Ball case with the Czechs.

BUT: Actually it was Malt Balls with the Commies, but ..

MAR: Hey, you still working with that Pazlo guy?

BUT: Yes! He's here, too!

MAR: (displeased) Oh. Well, that's the breaks I guess. Thought he was goner in Halifax. Better luck next time.

BUT: We're here in California. Maybe we can meet up for lunch.

MAR: (SCREAMS) NO!!.I mean...uh, gee whiz, a meal, huh? With or without Pazlo?

BUT: Yeah, know what ya mean there.

MAR: that's why I hafta see a shrink!

BLI: I'm starving. We skipped lunch when the new writer started. When do we eat?

PAZ: Yeah. What happened to lunch break? All of a sudden we're in the car again. 

PTR: Who iz in charge uff convetuinity?

PAZ: Convolusion?

PTR: No revolution. Enuff uv dat. Convetuinity on the script!

PAZ:Convenience? Looking for a convenience store?

PTR: Vat is vord..oh yeah.. IDIOT!

MAR: You got another Russkie there? What's going on?

BUT: We're working a missing persons case, Marsh. In the factory district.

MAR: Gee, I'd love to stay away from that. Vacation ya'know. 

PAZ: (to BUT/BLI): Wait a minute. Marsh has been retired for years, how can he take a vacation?

MAR: Everyone deserves a vacation!

BLI: He probably means a trip.

MAR: That's right, a trip. Odd I can't find a porter or stevedore anywhere. This must be the cheapest cruise line ever! Well, so long as it was free!

BUT: Free?

MAR: Yeah, I won it at a little gas station by my apartment. Montovani's.

BUT: You mean Mastriano's?

MAR: That's it! I was their millionth customer they said, and whisked me away in the travel company's van. Seemed odd I'd be their millionth customer in the middle of their grand opening and all.

BUT: (to PAZ & BLI) It's a ruse!

PAZ: No .. a CRUISE..he said. A CRUISE.

BLI: He means the trip is a RUSE. Marsh has been kidnapped!

PAZ: On the boat? I've heard of that happening, but usually they're thrown overboard.

BUT: The trip is a ruse, you fool. Mastriano's goons hoodwinked the old guy.

PTR: HOODVINKED!

BLI: But Culpepper and the others are getting away. Blanche, won't you help us?

(ALL): What?

BLI: Brock never loved you. It was me, all this time. Blanche, please say you'll forgive me.

PAZ: What's happening here?

PTR: Is Blinds gone sad?

PAZ: You mean MAD.

PTR: How can you be mad vith crazy person?

BUT: Blinds, are you alright?

BLI: Destiny has bound us together. You, me, Sandy, Brock, the tigers, we're all bound by fate.

BUT:(snatching papers) What the... This is a page from a different script!

BLI: It says revision 43. 

PTR: It vas already getting better dan dis crappy script vee are stuck with.

PAZ: Hey! It costs money for writers, y'know.

BUT: Let's try to concentrate on this case. 

PTR: That's not my case. I think it is Dean case.

BLI: Does anyone even get that gag?

PAZ: I'll gag you, you twit.

BLI: Twit this you old cobber!

BUT: Shut up! Quiet, I can't hear Marsh.

PTR: You are listening for splashing sound?

BUT: Marsh? Marsh? We dropped the call. Zuzu, do you have a location on that cell phone?

ZUZ: I have triangulated the location of the call. See Map Display.

BUT: Great. ... ... ... Where's the Map Display? Paz, where's the Map Display?

PAZ: Yeah, I..uh.. Map Display is...  ...  right...  um.. Zuzu, where is the Map Display.

ZUZ: It is beneath the heads-up display SunnuvaIknewthiswould.

PAZ: Where is the Heads-Up display?

ZUZ: It is over the Map Display.

PAZ: Thanks, Zuzu. ther ya go Butcher.

BUT: Is that supposed to be helpful, er...?

PTR: Vhat is flashing blue light?

BLI: That's GREEN by the way. It means it's time for a commercial break.

PTR: But I am not Catholic.

BLI: Commercial, not communion.

PTR: Yes I vill.

PAZ: Vhat..er I mean.. What?

ANNC: We'll be right back for the spine tingling conclusion of Butto, Blinds and Pazlo in:

Midnight Cruise to Nowhere'sville or  How I Learned to Love This Bomb".

BUT: After coming out of the commercial break we drove down to the warfs.

BLI: Dwarfs?  I'm not seing any dwarfs.

PAZ: They prefer "Little people".

BLI: Well, they are pretty short.

PAZ: No , I mean they'd rather be called little people.

PTR: Dey hav no names? How do dey call on phone?

PAZ: You're from the shallow end of the gene pool aren't you.

PTR: Ve're not at pool, at ocean, vat is wrong vit you? 

BUT: We've got to find a way out to that ship before they do something terrible to Marsh.

BLI: Look, a rowboat.

BUT: Oh no! That ship's got to be a mile off shore, do know how long it'll take us to row out there?

PAZ: Four hours later.

BUT: This is rediculous, we've been rowing for hours and we're no closer than we were before!

PAZ: We just keep going in circles.

PTR: Ve are only using  vun oar.

PAZ: Blinds you jerk, why haven't you been rowing?

BLI: Are you kidding?  Look at Piotr's arms!  I look like Pee Wee Herman compared to this clown! 

BUT: This is getting us nowhere!

PTR: Der is a helicopter on de beach.

PAZ: I'm getting seasick from rowing in circles!

PTR: But der is a helicopter on de beach. 

BLI: I can't feel my legs!

PTR: Der helicopter on de beach. 

BUT: What about the freakin' helicopter?

PTR: I can fly it. 

PAZ: Seriously?

BLI: How can we get to it?

BUT: Are you kidding? 

PAZ: it's 30 feet away and the waters only 2 feet deep. 

BLI: Let's go!

SFX: Splashing noises. Door opening, Helicopter noises (How are we going to do this one?)

PAZ: Pooter, Piper, Peter, whatever the hell your name is, are you sure you know how to fly this thing?

PTR: Da, is simple, I pump fuel, I start blades, engage spark and...(motor coughing, sputtering)

BUT: Simple...right.

PTR: Quiet! It should vork, I know vhat I'm doink.

SFX: Grinding noises, motor coughing, starting; egg beater sounds.

PTR: Dere, is goink, strap one on, ve're flyink!

BUT: I think i'm gonna be pukeink! Can't you level this thing out?

PTR: Shut up and let me drive!

PAZ: Are we supposed to be spinning in circles? I thought only the rotors did that.

BUT: Barfing noises

BLI: There's the ship!

PAZ: Oh my God, we're gonna crash!

PTR: Dere vill be no crashink, hard landink, but no crashink!

SFX: Loud crashink...i mean crashing sounds.

PAZ: Get out quick, we'll take them by surprise!

BUT: Is a heavy fog rolling in or am I going blind?

BLI: You axed for me?

PAZ: With fog this thick we must be near San Francisco, no wonder Pooter

ditched the eggbeater.

PTR: Pietr, is pronounced Pee-ay-ter, Pee-ay-ter you bolshivoska kashkirov!

BLI, BUT: Laughing.  

BLI: Kashkirov, oh thats too much! (loud laughter)

PAZ: I can’t see anything! (Crash & stumble)

MAR: OW! Watch where you’re walking! 

PAZ: (Over Marsh’s line) Ow! Watch where I’m walking!

MAR: Pazlo you dunce, is that you?

PAZ: Marsh! Why are you sitting out here in this fog, and why are your feet in that bucket?

MAR:  I was told this was a new type of spa treatment.  After I signed the consent forms they put my feet in this bucket of clay to clear up my athelete’s foot and they  tied me to this chair to keep me from moving around too much.

BUT: That’s not clay, it’s cement!  Marsh, they’re going to kill you!

MAR: Don’t jump to hysterics Butto, I’m perfectly fine. This clay is getting a little hard though, I can’t feel my big toes.

PAZ: With a gut like you got, you can’t SEE your big toes!

MAR: Hey! We didn't get to the workout part of the cruise yet!  But I'll tell ya this, it's the last time I go on one of these cut rate deals, it's way past lunch time and I still don't know where the buffet is!

PAZ: Buffet?

BLI: Ooh, I'm starving, we haven't had a bite all episode.

PTR: In my country, ve vould kill someone for dis.

BUT: Like the caterer?

PTR: Caterer, steward, producer, director, no matter.

GOON: Awright tuff guys, reach fer the sky!

BUT: That's a little cliche, don't ya think?