PAZ: Wait, were you looking at me? You weren't looking at me when you said that. You must mean Blinds the unkempt ungulate, who doesn't know what he's doing here! Ugly..bad clothes..poor diction...
BLI: Right now he's composing a memo to the HR Lady about staff reductions...
PAZ: You mean HR PERSON.
BLI: No, that was her maiden name.
COP: Would yous guys shut yer faces and reach for the sky!
BUT: We can't reach the sky! What kind of idiot are you?
PAZ: How many kinds are there? (PAZ & BLI errupt in sophomoric laughter)
SFX: car horn, cow, anything that's not a gun.
BLI: What was that?
COP: It was supposed to be a gunshot.
BUT: Dean? DEAN!? Who's in the sound booth?
BOOTH: Yeh. Just a sec. Mislabeled carts. Interns. Amateurs. These jerks..
PAZ: Your mic is still on, Dean.
BOOTH: Oh sh..
SFX: Something like gun noise, but maybe a cannon or something.
COP: Alright! Hold it right there or you'll be pasting daisies.
BUT: What?
PAZ: But wait, the cheese is still in the locker.
COP/BUT/Everyone: WHAT?
BUT: Are we having an almonds problem again?
PAZ: And Professor Moritorium is at the theater already.
COP: What?
BUT: What revision are you reading from?
COP: I'm gonna revise all yer faces if you don't SHUT THE HELL UP!
(Deafening silence. A pin drop)
COP: That's better. Now we're gonna get down to some ass tacks...
BUT: You mean brass tacks.
COP: You buy the kinda tacks you like and I'll do the same.
PAZ: Ass tacks?
COP: SHUT IT! Word has it that yous guys is sniffin' around following after our revered and retired detective Frank Marsh. We don't like things happening to our own, if you get my drift, so yous guys better start talkin'
ALL: Start talking randomly, to each other, on the phone, reciting poetry, etc.
COP: STOP! STOP! Shut off those mics and sit your ass tacks down here. Nobody's going anywhere 'til we figure this out.
WAITER: Uh, correction there, Columbo. This place is closed. Can't you take this show downtown?
BUT: Gosh we tried. We were almost booked in the Paladium but SOMEBODY got scared about ponying up for a performance bond...
PAZ: The Paladium? Cool!
BUT: Well, we didn't get the gig, so not cool...
COP: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I should just shoot all of you. What a headache.
PAZ: Too bad yer gun is a cow or a car or whatever (PAZ & BLI snickering)
SFX: Two gun shots.
BUT: What? You killed BOTH my partners! Hmm...there could be an upside here.
PAZ: Hey! Come on! I'm not even cold yet.
BLI: Luckily for you I wore my Kevlar underwear today...
BUT: Lucky for you, you mean
PAZ: And you wear the Kevlar EVERY day!
BLI: Shut up Pazlo. You're dead. You're dead AND washed up. You're dead and washed up and have new bosses! (maniacal hee!hee!) How does it feel to be on the short end of the wrong stick this time?
PAZ: I can't answer you, I'm dead.
BLI: Just once I'd like the satisfaction of seeing you really killed off of this show. You've been a pain in my ass tacks for twenty years now. I've been waiting for this chance, and I'm gonna get it!
PAZ: Got that right.
SFX: A punch. Blinds flops to the floor.
COP: Thanks Pazlo. I was reloading my cow.
BUT: So, Copper, what's your role in all this?
COP: What do you mean what's my role? I'm the cop.
PAZ: Seemed like a straightforward question to me "What's your role?". Where's the ambiguity?
BUT: Oh, I left the ambiguity back east. There's a surcharge for extra luggage.
COP: Alright you maroons, let's see if we can settle this downtown.
PAZ: What's to settle, we didn't eat anything but the breadsticks.
COP: Let's go!!!
Shuffles & SFX as they all exit the building to the street.
Showing posts with label Brown Derby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brown Derby. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, November 26, 2012
Episode 37.1, Part 3
FADE IN---
SFX: Restaurant Scene
BUT: (Voiceover): We finally arrived at the Brown Derby at seven, where we'd arranged to have Marsh for dinner. To dinner. Dinner with Marsh. Me, Paz, Blinds and Marsh at dinner in the Brown Derby. The restaurant, not the hat.
PAZ: What the hell are you saying?
BUT: Wow. Those were some great almonds...
PAZ: And why are you doing the narrative again? We've been through this before. The name of the show? "Mick Pazlo"? Remember?
BLI: Yeah, flatfoot, since when do you get the narratives?
PAZ: Look, short stack, I don't need your help.
BLI: Listen up, Smart guy, you can't push me around.
PAZ: Back off four-eyes, or feel the wrath.
BLI: Hey, hiwaters, expecting a flood?
PAZ: Keep it up, carrot top, and you'll get yours.
BLI: I already got mine there, bucky. See?
(ALL SCREAM. UNISON): BLINDS! Put down that relish tray!
BUT: And pass the breadsticks.
(SFX machine is still malfunctioning and inserts entirely innappropriate noises here.)
PAZ: I'll take the narrative now.
BUT: Well, there's something we should talk about...
BLI: Don't move, or you'll do push-ups in daisies!
PAZ: (paper shuffling): What? Where's that. Do you have that?
BUT: What Rev are you on?
BLI: I've got 11-26 here.
PAZ: You idiot, there's no 11- 26! Everyone knows that, pea-brain.
BLI: Shut your fat gob, fish breath. It says right here...11, then here 26.
PAZ: Hah! That's parsley, freckle-face!
BUT: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Stop your incessant fighting or you'll both get canned!
PAZ: We are near Cannery Row...
BUT: And your wise-crack ad-libs. This show is way over budget already, YOU already cost us one sponsor, YOU almost cost us another, and I'm not going to stand for this!
PAZ: Well, why don't you sit down then?
BUT: Oh, thanks. Corns. Hurt like mad.
PAZ: Corn?
BLI: Look out for that bison!
BUT:(grabbing paper) Give me that script! Here. Take mine. Now sit down and shut up 'til your cue comes up. Follow along with your finger if you have to. And YOU look at your menu and decide what to order. I wonder where Marsh is.
BUT: (Voiceover): This wasn't good. We'd waited for over an hour and still no sign of Marsh. We've had some bad cases, but this one smelled the worst.
PAZ: Maybe he's still in the studio. Remember he's in scene eleven and we never explain why he's on the east coast for like three minutes then he's back in California.
BLI: The magic of radio!
BUT:(Voiceover) We hailed a cab to take us to Marsh's apartment on the north side of town. As we rolled I tried Marsh's home, office and cell numbers, and got voicemail at all of them. After several minutes of explaining the difference between "fare" and "fair" and using it too many times in one scene, we arrived at Marsh's apartment complex.
PAZ: Wait! Wait! I want to hear the "fare" "fair" bit.
BLI: You know that doesn't make sense unless you're looking at the printed pages...
PAZ: What do you mean? I don't even have it. What's the Rev number on that?
BUT: Hmm. Kensington Road. Been a long time since we've seen these hills, eh old bean?
PAZ: Bhutto! Look! That jar's a jar.
BUT: Door.
PAZ: Oh. Yeah, that door's a door! Let's go!
BLI: You mean "that door's ajar." Can't you read, fiddle head?
BUT: It's Marsh's apartment.
PAZ: It's been ruck-sacked!
BLI: You mean ranshackle.
PAZ: Don't step in that! It could be evidence!
BUT: You both mean ransacked. (calling out):Marsh! Are you here? Marsh? It's Bhutto & Pazlo.
PAZ: (calling out) He means Pazlo & Bhutto. He must have a bad revision.
BUT:(still calling out) I have the last revision. Some old timers just don't realize when they've been bought out.
PAZ: (still calling out) No idea about that. Marsh has been traded?
BUT:(still calling out) That last transaction puts my stock ownership at 53% in the production company, so basically I'm in charge.
PAZ:(still calling out, less enthusiatically) But the show has my name on it. Besides it's a corporation...
BUT: (more of a mock calling out than real) It's a private corporation. Majority rule. I own a majority, with only two other shareholders.
PAZ: (no longer calling out, but talking as if doing so) And I own 14%...
BUT: (" " " " " " " ) and Blinds the other 33%.
PAZ: Sooo..."B & B Productions" is... (crashing to floor passing out)
BLI: Come on Pazlo, lazy louie, get up and help find Marsh!
BUT: It might have been too much for the old guy. That might have been a grabber.
BLI: Commercial sign! The break light is on!
BUT: Hey, that would be another good bit! "Brake" and "break".!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SFX: Restaurant Scene
BUT: (Voiceover): We finally arrived at the Brown Derby at seven, where we'd arranged to have Marsh for dinner. To dinner. Dinner with Marsh. Me, Paz, Blinds and Marsh at dinner in the Brown Derby. The restaurant, not the hat.
PAZ: What the hell are you saying?
BUT: Wow. Those were some great almonds...
PAZ: And why are you doing the narrative again? We've been through this before. The name of the show? "Mick Pazlo"? Remember?
BLI: Yeah, flatfoot, since when do you get the narratives?
PAZ: Look, short stack, I don't need your help.
BLI: Listen up, Smart guy, you can't push me around.
PAZ: Back off four-eyes, or feel the wrath.
BLI: Hey, hiwaters, expecting a flood?
PAZ: Keep it up, carrot top, and you'll get yours.
BLI: I already got mine there, bucky. See?
(ALL SCREAM. UNISON): BLINDS! Put down that relish tray!
BUT: And pass the breadsticks.
(SFX machine is still malfunctioning and inserts entirely innappropriate noises here.)
PAZ: I'll take the narrative now.
BUT: Well, there's something we should talk about...
BLI: Don't move, or you'll do push-ups in daisies!
PAZ: (paper shuffling): What? Where's that. Do you have that?
BUT: What Rev are you on?
BLI: I've got 11-26 here.
PAZ: You idiot, there's no 11- 26! Everyone knows that, pea-brain.
BLI: Shut your fat gob, fish breath. It says right here...11, then here 26.
PAZ: Hah! That's parsley, freckle-face!
BUT: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Stop your incessant fighting or you'll both get canned!
PAZ: We are near Cannery Row...
BUT: And your wise-crack ad-libs. This show is way over budget already, YOU already cost us one sponsor, YOU almost cost us another, and I'm not going to stand for this!
PAZ: Well, why don't you sit down then?
BUT: Oh, thanks. Corns. Hurt like mad.
PAZ: Corn?
BLI: Look out for that bison!
BUT:(grabbing paper) Give me that script! Here. Take mine. Now sit down and shut up 'til your cue comes up. Follow along with your finger if you have to. And YOU look at your menu and decide what to order. I wonder where Marsh is.
BUT: (Voiceover): This wasn't good. We'd waited for over an hour and still no sign of Marsh. We've had some bad cases, but this one smelled the worst.
PAZ: Maybe he's still in the studio. Remember he's in scene eleven and we never explain why he's on the east coast for like three minutes then he's back in California.
BLI: The magic of radio!
BUT:(Voiceover) We hailed a cab to take us to Marsh's apartment on the north side of town. As we rolled I tried Marsh's home, office and cell numbers, and got voicemail at all of them. After several minutes of explaining the difference between "fare" and "fair" and using it too many times in one scene, we arrived at Marsh's apartment complex.
PAZ: Wait! Wait! I want to hear the "fare" "fair" bit.
BLI: You know that doesn't make sense unless you're looking at the printed pages...
PAZ: What do you mean? I don't even have it. What's the Rev number on that?
BUT: Hmm. Kensington Road. Been a long time since we've seen these hills, eh old bean?
PAZ: Bhutto! Look! That jar's a jar.
BUT: Door.
PAZ: Oh. Yeah, that door's a door! Let's go!
BLI: You mean "that door's ajar." Can't you read, fiddle head?
BUT: It's Marsh's apartment.
PAZ: It's been ruck-sacked!
BLI: You mean ranshackle.
PAZ: Don't step in that! It could be evidence!
BUT: You both mean ransacked. (calling out):Marsh! Are you here? Marsh? It's Bhutto & Pazlo.
PAZ: (calling out) He means Pazlo & Bhutto. He must have a bad revision.
BUT:(still calling out) I have the last revision. Some old timers just don't realize when they've been bought out.
PAZ: (still calling out) No idea about that. Marsh has been traded?
BUT:(still calling out) That last transaction puts my stock ownership at 53% in the production company, so basically I'm in charge.
PAZ:(still calling out, less enthusiatically) But the show has my name on it. Besides it's a corporation...
BUT: (more of a mock calling out than real) It's a private corporation. Majority rule. I own a majority, with only two other shareholders.
PAZ: (no longer calling out, but talking as if doing so) And I own 14%...
BUT: (" " " " " " " ) and Blinds the other 33%.
PAZ: Sooo..."B & B Productions" is... (crashing to floor passing out)
BLI: Come on Pazlo, lazy louie, get up and help find Marsh!
BUT: It might have been too much for the old guy. That might have been a grabber.
BLI: Commercial sign! The break light is on!
BUT: Hey, that would be another good bit! "Brake" and "break".!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Break
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SFX: (Darth Vader noises)
BUT: Blinds, put down the bong and get over here!
BLI: Woah! Good almonds.
BUT: Help me pick up Pazlo. Hmm seems to've gained a few pounds since our last episode.
PAZ: What happened?
BLI: You keeled over like a ferry full of geriatric passengers.
PAZ: I remember, I had this terrible dream that you and Butto were running My show!
BUT: Umm Paz? We are.
PAZ: But what happened?
BLI: Are you mental? I told you you keeled over!
PAZ: No, not that, how did you two side kicks get in charge?
BUT: While you were watching skirts and martinis, we were watching our stock options.
PAZ: That's just wrong, this can't be happening!
SFX: Door opens/shuts
BUT: Who's that?
PAZ: I hope it's a script girl with a new revision, this one bites!
BUT:That won't change the fact that I am número UNO
PAZ:This isn't a card game Butto
BLI:Yahtzee!
PAZ:Shut up Blinds!
BLI: But it’s Dr. Yahtzee!
BUT:Dr. Yahtzee? I thought he was the Bulgarian cleaning woman?
PAZ:And just how do you know what a Hungarian cleaning woman looks like?
BUT:Not Hungarian, Bulgarian! You know, overweight, smells like garlic & beets, has a mustache.
PAZ:Beets have mustaches?
BLI:Not the point!
CLEAN: No, not Yahtzee, Yahtchezka, cleaning woman of Bulgaria.
I brought new script. Revision 42 & 2/3.
PAZ: Whew, that was close, I thought we were goners for sure.
SFX: Door crashing open.
COP: FREEZE! Everybody put your hands in the air.
You, the ugly one in the stupid clothes, stop with the jazz hands or I'll pump you full of lead!
BLI: Party pooper.
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