[Theme music]

PAZ: After the commercial, we crept down the back alleys to the warehouse.

MIKE O'HANLIHAN: (Irish accent) Hold up there, lads. This is private property!

PAZ: Oh, hi. Mick Pazlo, Private Investigator.

MIK: Mike O'Hanlihan, Private Security Guard. You boys aren't going to make me shoot you now, are ye?

BLI: NO! NO! Don't shoot! I surrender! I did it! I confess!

BUT: Shut up, Blinds.

MIK: Is that Russell Blinds, really?

PAZ: You know him?

MIK: Sure an' I do! Knitters Hall of Famer, right?

BLI: (blushing) Why, yes. As a matter of fact. Three times Nationals, NATS champ in '63.

MIK: Can I get yer autograph Mr.Blinds?

BUT: MISTER Blinds?

BLI: Why of course. Anything for my fans!

PAZ: That's...something...I guess. Well, Mike, we're looking for our old cohort, and we're led to believe he's here in this warehouse complex.

MIK:Cohogs? A whorehouse? Say again?

BUT: Here's a photo. Have you seen this man? Victor Marsh, goes by the name of Frank.

MIK: Why yes, yes I have. He's in the warehouse alright, with Mr.Maury.

PAZ: Really? Are you sure it's him?

MIK: Aye, you can cut me liver if I ain't tellin' the truth. He's here.

BUT: Great! Thanks Mike.

MIK: Yes, you can pop me own eyes out, fry 'em up with a couple of eggs and make me watch you eat 'em if it's not the God's honest truth.

BLI: Thanks Mike. Let's go find him.

MIK: If I'm tellin' a lie you can take a hot poker and shove it up my

ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE! We believe you.

PAZ: How do we get in there?

MIK: Oh, you can't get in. Top secret. The door is even locked.

BUT: Then how do you know Mr.Marsh is in there?

MIK: Oh, I have a key to the lock. In case I need to...uh...use the facilities.

BLI: What are we waiting for? Let's go!

MIK: Just a moment lads. How do I know you aren't kidnappers or something?

PAZ: Look. Look at this face. It's ME. Mick Pazlo, Private Instigator. I'm sure you recognize me from the "Adventures of Pazlo & Butto".

MIK: (hesitating, thinking) Mmm. Nope. Can't say I do.

PAZ: WHAT? Do you live in a cave or something?

BUT: Mr.O'Hurlihanlio..er..whatever..Surely you'll recognize the name Fritz Butto? Band Leader, Big Time radio show producer? Owner of GWP and B&B Productions?

MIK: Mmm. Seems like I've heard of GWP somewhere...Knitting maybe? Ever drive a half-track?

PAZ: The Pazlo-Tracker! I haven't thought of that in years!! That's ME! The Afreaka Corps!!

MIK: No. I don't think so. But I recognize Mr.Blinds from the Knitter Wars!

BLI: Well, that was hardly my best hour, but I was quite a hero in my day.

PAZ: Hero?

BUT: Like hero sandwich, y'mean?

MIK: Now I guess I can see my way clear to let Mr.Blinds in. If he can vouch for the rest of you...

PAZ: Of course he can! He's our partner.

BLI: Uh, Butto's partner. To you I'm just a boss.

PAZ: Why you sniveling snotbag, I ought to...

MIK: Wait, wait! The fight scene is four minutes out now, don't jump ahead.

PAZ: I'm gonna jump on Blinds's head in a second.

BUT: Mr.O'Hurdy-Gurdy, surely you can trust a great Knitting Hero such as Mr.Blinds. We're trying to save a man's life here!

PAZ: We are?

BUT: Shut up a sec.

BLI: I thought we were here to get our money.

BUT: Could both of you just shut up.

PAZ: What if...

BUT: SHUT!

BLI: I guess he..

BUT: SHUT! SHUT UP! STOP TALKING! SAY NO MORE!

PAZ: Even...

BUT Yes, even. Now Mike, can you get us in or not?

MIK: Of course I can! It's the truth! Cut off me toes and make me walk home if I'm lyin'.

PAZ: Great, thanks Mike.

MIK: If it ain't the truth you can pour kerosene in my eyes and touch a match to it.

BUT: Okay Mike, we're with you.

MIK: Shore and if it's a lie you could take a jack hammer with a fourteen-inch mortar bit, wind that thing up and jam it up my

ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE!! Yes, we believe you!

MIK: If it's okay with Mr.Blinds, it's good by me.

(Long silent pause)

PAZ: Blinds?

BLI: MISTER Blinds to you, half-shaft. I'm thinking...what have you guys done for me lately?

BUT: Well, we didn't kill you just now, that's one thing.

PAZ: And we didn't kill you this morning, either...

BLI: What about the time you guys killed me in that meatball case?

BUT: You weren't really killed, remember? It was a sound effect.

BLI: Oh, yeah.

PAZ: So?

BLI: Oh alright I guess. But there better be a bonus this time.

PAZ: I got a bonus for you.

MIK: Okay, we can go in. But we must be ever-so-careful of the guard dogs. And the alarm, and the laser system.

BUT:Really?

MIK: Of course, really. If I'm lyin' you can take a Bosch Bulldog Hammer Drill and drill out all me teeth while I smiles at ye.

PAZ: What?

MIK: You can take a bench grinder and hold me head to it 'til you grind it to a nub.

BLI: Okay Mike, thanks.

MIK: If it ain't the truth you can fire up a chain saw, tie me to a log and cut me right up the

ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE! We believe you. Can we go now?

MIK: Sure. Right this way.

Episode 37.1 scene 678

SFX: Tweeting birds, chirping crickets, maybe some trickling water. Obviously not LA. COP: What the... BUT:Nice downtown, very rural. SFX: Sheep bleating PAZ: Hey, Bo Peep, lose something? COP: These special effects are gettin’ outta hand! BLI: Look at me I’m Cybil Shepard. BUT: Blinds, take that wig off, you’re scaring the sheep. PAZ: They’re gonna stampede, run! SFX: Train noises, sheep bleating, cows mooing, guns firing, cell phones ringing.

on 2/13/13

COP: Okay, if yous guys will just take a seat here in our van...

SFX: climbing into the van. Blinds bursts out running, screaming "PAZLO!" and a knock-down scuffling fist fight ensues. Blinds rants in his rage as he wallops the tar out of Pazlo.

BLI: That's the last time you dim-witted, bald-headed, flat-footed moron! I own you now! OWN YOU! You're fired! You'll never work in this town again! Or some other town, I don't know! I'm gonna kill you, you rotten no-good so-and-so, I don't care, half-brother or not! I'm gonna--- (sudden silence).

BUT: (Slowly & contemplatively) What did you say?

BLI: Uh (Dropping Paz to the sidewalk with a thud)...half-WIT! I said HALF-WIt, HALF-COCKED, HALF-Past a monkey's

PAZ: Nice going half-shaft. You blithering blatherskite...

BUT: But if WE'RE half-brothers and Pazlo is your half-brother...that would make me..(ugh, fainting, hitting the sidewalk)

COP: What the hell is going on here? You guys are droppin' like hothouse flowers. (Assertively:) Get in the truck!

BLI: What? That's a Paddy Wagon! You're not getting me in there!

COP: (pulling a gun) Oh, I'm gonna get you in there, breathin' or otherwise. You guys are worth a grand a head to Moritoriu...uh, Metropolitan police...come on!

PAZ: Let me see your badges.

COP: Badges?

BUT:  No! No! Don't even consider thinking about it.. it's so cliche by now.

COP: Cliches? We don't need to show nobody no stinking cliches.

BLI: Oh, for the love of Pete..hey,..you're unconscious.

PAZ: No, he's Butto, my partner, my sidekick, the other half of "The Adventures of Mr.Pazlo and Butto!"

BUT: That's not the name of the show. Wow, I had the weirdest dream sequence while I was out...

COP: Get in the truck before I let you have it!

PAZ: Well, if you're going to let us have it, isn't it immaterial whether we get in before or after you do so?

COP: What?

BLI: Besides, we don't want it. It's homely and smells bad, and we've got two production trucks and three talent trailers already.

PAZ: Well, two trailers.

BUT: No, there's three.

PAZ: Anyway, we don't need this thing unless we're gonna make a Miners' Wear truck out of it.

COP: Shut up! If you don't shut up you're gonna get it right now!

BLI: So if we keep talking we won't get it?

PAZ: Yeah, I thnk that's the way that works...don't shut up you're gonna get it.

BUT: So if we stop talking you won't give us your smelly Miners' wear truck? Is that what we're hearing?

PAZ: Gosh, shuttin up seems the way to go, otherwise it'll be like a white elephant, I mean we wouldn't want to insult him.

COP: That's it. You've got it coming!

BLI: So it's like a sweepstakes thing? We already won it? I know a lady that won a volvo then she had to come up with two thousand dollars for tax on it...

COP: Who in hell is writing this trash? Don't yous guys understand English. Get in the truck or I'll shoot you. Dead.

BLI: With a cow? How can you even aim that thing?

PAZ: It should be a pig.

BUT: A pig?

PAZ: Yeah, it wuld have a bigger bore! Get it "BOAR"?

COP: If I pay you, will you get in the truck?

ALL: What?

COP: Yeah. I'll pay you when we get there.

PAZ: (whispering): We could use the money.

BLI:(whisper) My trailer needs new lighting.

PAZ:(whisper) shut up Blinds, you babbling fool

BLI:(whisper) I'm gonna rip your face off!

PAZ:(whisper) Bring it on you half-breed buffoon!

BUT:(whispering over a quiet scuffle) Shut up you idiots. It's a trap. That guy's not a real cop. Why is he trying to kidnap us?

PAZ:(whisper) More importantly, do you think the cow is loaded?

BUT:(whisper) This is a real jam..uh..my..brothers. And we're in this together now, I say we make a break for it. Blinds?

PAZ:(whisper)Wait, what, we break Blinds?

BLI:(whisper) Well, maybe it's not such a bad truck, and for free it might..

COP:(whisper) Shut up (Out loud): Shut up and die you sniveling boneheads.

BUT: Grab the cow by the ring!

PAZ: Don't you mean "Take the bull by the horns"?

BLI: This is no time to argue semantics, Pazlo!

SFX:(Major scuffle, some cows, maybe guns. The truck starts.)

BUT: Paz, Blinds, jump in, he's down!

SFX: Screaching tires as they pull away.

PAZ: Someone's following us!

BLI: This is no time to update your blog Pazlo!

PAZ: No, look behind you!

SFX: Cow, followed by breaking glass.!

PAZ: Know how big their guns are?

BUT: What?

PAZ: They're  thirty COW-liber. Get it? COW liber! Ha!

BLI: Get out! I'm gonna throw you right out this door!

PAZ: Wait! Wait! We have to write the chase scene!

BUT: We're already IN the chase scene.

PAZ: Damn! This happened to us back in '81, remember? That case with the nun.

BUT: That's it! Professor Moritorium! That cop slipped and said Moritorium, he must be behind this whole thing.

PAZ: Hey, I think we lost them.

BLI: (suddenly sound effects of screaching tires and gunfire) Not in my revision! Ahh! We're gonna die!

PAZ: (casual motoring sound effects) Now, how can that be?

BUT: Well, there's probably two revisions in re-write at the same time. We often use two writers because one can't figure out how to end a scene so the other one takes over.

BLI: (SFX: noisy chase, yelling.) But how does that end the scene?

BUT: (SFX casual motoring): Well, it doesn't, but it makes for some fast plot twists.

PAZ: What we need is a commercial. Call sales, extension 405.

BLI: (SFX noisy scene:) Hurry! AHHH!!!!

--- CUT TO COMMERCIAL---

Continued from 12/2/12

PAZ: Wait, were you looking at me? You weren't looking at me when you said that. You must mean Blinds the unkempt ungulate, who doesn't know what he's doing here! Ugly..bad clothes..poor diction...

BLI: Right now he's composing a memo to the HR Lady about staff reductions...

PAZ: You mean HR PERSON.

BLI: No, that was her maiden name.

COP: Would yous guys shut yer faces and reach for the sky!

BUT: We can't reach the sky! What kind of idiot are you?

PAZ: How many kinds are there? (PAZ & BLI errupt in sophomoric laughter)

SFX: car horn, cow, anything that's not a gun.

BLI: What was that?

COP: It was supposed to be a gunshot.

BUT: Dean? DEAN!? Who's in the sound booth?

BOOTH: Yeh. Just a sec. Mislabeled carts. Interns. Amateurs. These jerks..

PAZ: Your mic is still on, Dean.

BOOTH: Oh sh..

SFX: Something like gun noise, but maybe a cannon or something.

COP: Alright! Hold it right there or you'll be pasting daisies.

BUT: What?

PAZ: But wait, the cheese is still in the locker.

COP/BUT/Everyone: WHAT?

BUT: Are we having an almonds problem again?

PAZ: And Professor Moritorium is at the theater already.

COP: What?

BUT: What revision are you reading from?

COP: I'm gonna revise all yer faces if you don't SHUT THE HELL UP!

(Deafening silence. A pin drop)

COP: That's better. Now we're gonna get down to some ass tacks...

BUT: You mean brass tacks.

COP: You buy the kinda tacks you like and I'll do the same.

PAZ: Ass tacks?

COP: SHUT IT! Word has it that yous guys is sniffin' around following after our revered and retired detective Frank Marsh. We don't like things happening to our own, if you get my drift, so yous guys better start talkin'

ALL: Start talking randomly, to each other, on the phone, reciting poetry, etc.

COP: STOP! STOP! Shut off those mics and sit your ass tacks down here. Nobody's going anywhere 'til we figure this out.

WAITER: Uh, correction there, Columbo. This place is closed. Can't you take this show downtown?

BUT: Gosh we tried. We were almost booked in the Paladium but SOMEBODY got scared about ponying up for a performance bond...

PAZ: The Paladium? Cool!

BUT: Well, we didn't get the gig, so not cool...

COP: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I should just shoot all of you. What a headache.

PAZ: Too bad yer gun is a cow or a car or whatever (PAZ & BLI snickering)

SFX: Two gun shots.

BUT: What? You killed BOTH my partners! Hmm...there could be an upside here.

PAZ: Hey! Come on! I'm not even cold yet.

BLI: Luckily for you I wore my Kevlar underwear today...

BUT: Lucky for you, you mean

PAZ: And you wear the Kevlar EVERY day!

BLI: Shut up Pazlo. You're dead. You're dead AND washed up. You're dead and washed up and have new bosses! (maniacal hee!hee!) How does it feel to be on the short end of the wrong stick this time?

PAZ: I can't answer you, I'm dead.

BLI: Just once I'd like the satisfaction of seeing you really killed off of this show. You've been a pain in my ass tacks for twenty years now. I've been waiting for this chance, and I'm gonna get it!

PAZ: Got that right.

SFX: A punch. Blinds flops to the floor.

COP: Thanks Pazlo. I was reloading my cow.

BUT: So, Copper, what's your role in all this?

COP: What do you mean what's my role? I'm the cop.

PAZ: Seemed like a straightforward question to me "What's your role?". Where's the ambiguity?

BUT: Oh, I left the ambiguity back east. There's a surcharge for extra luggage.

COP: Alright you maroons, let's see if we can settle this downtown.

PAZ: What's to settle, we didn't eat anything but the breadsticks.

COP: Let's go!!!

Shuffles & SFX as they all exit the building to the street.