[Theme music]

PAZ: After the commercial, we crept down the back alleys to the warehouse.

MIKE O'HANLIHAN: (Irish accent) Hold up there, lads. This is private property!

PAZ: Oh, hi. Mick Pazlo, Private Investigator.

MIK: Mike O'Hanlihan, Private Security Guard. You boys aren't going to make me shoot you now, are ye?

BLI: NO! NO! Don't shoot! I surrender! I did it! I confess!

BUT: Shut up, Blinds.

MIK: Is that Russell Blinds, really?

PAZ: You know him?

MIK: Sure an' I do! Knitters Hall of Famer, right?

BLI: (blushing) Why, yes. As a matter of fact. Three times Nationals, NATS champ in '63.

MIK: Can I get yer autograph Mr.Blinds?

BUT: MISTER Blinds?

BLI: Why of course. Anything for my fans!

PAZ: That's...something...I guess. Well, Mike, we're looking for our old cohort, and we're led to believe he's here in this warehouse complex.

MIK:Cohogs? A whorehouse? Say again?

BUT: Here's a photo. Have you seen this man? Victor Marsh, goes by the name of Frank.

MIK: Why yes, yes I have. He's in the warehouse alright, with Mr.Maury.

PAZ: Really? Are you sure it's him?

MIK: Aye, you can cut me liver if I ain't tellin' the truth. He's here.

BUT: Great! Thanks Mike.

MIK: Yes, you can pop me own eyes out, fry 'em up with a couple of eggs and make me watch you eat 'em if it's not the God's honest truth.

BLI: Thanks Mike. Let's go find him.

MIK: If I'm tellin' a lie you can take a hot poker and shove it up my

ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE! We believe you.

PAZ: How do we get in there?

MIK: Oh, you can't get in. Top secret. The door is even locked.

BUT: Then how do you know Mr.Marsh is in there?

MIK: Oh, I have a key to the lock. In case I need to...uh...use the facilities.

BLI: What are we waiting for? Let's go!

MIK: Just a moment lads. How do I know you aren't kidnappers or something?

PAZ: Look. Look at this face. It's ME. Mick Pazlo, Private Instigator. I'm sure you recognize me from the "Adventures of Pazlo & Butto".

MIK: (hesitating, thinking) Mmm. Nope. Can't say I do.

PAZ: WHAT? Do you live in a cave or something?

BUT: Mr.O'Hurlihanlio..er..whatever..Surely you'll recognize the name Fritz Butto? Band Leader, Big Time radio show producer? Owner of GWP and B&B Productions?

MIK: Mmm. Seems like I've heard of GWP somewhere...Knitting maybe? Ever drive a half-track?

PAZ: The Pazlo-Tracker! I haven't thought of that in years!! That's ME! The Afreaka Corps!!

MIK: No. I don't think so. But I recognize Mr.Blinds from the Knitter Wars!

BLI: Well, that was hardly my best hour, but I was quite a hero in my day.

PAZ: Hero?

BUT: Like hero sandwich, y'mean?

MIK: Now I guess I can see my way clear to let Mr.Blinds in. If he can vouch for the rest of you...

PAZ: Of course he can! He's our partner.

BLI: Uh, Butto's partner. To you I'm just a boss.

PAZ: Why you sniveling snotbag, I ought to...

MIK: Wait, wait! The fight scene is four minutes out now, don't jump ahead.

PAZ: I'm gonna jump on Blinds's head in a second.

BUT: Mr.O'Hurdy-Gurdy, surely you can trust a great Knitting Hero such as Mr.Blinds. We're trying to save a man's life here!

PAZ: We are?

BUT: Shut up a sec.

BLI: I thought we were here to get our money.

BUT: Could both of you just shut up.

PAZ: What if...

BUT: SHUT!

BLI: I guess he..

BUT: SHUT! SHUT UP! STOP TALKING! SAY NO MORE!

PAZ: Even...

BUT Yes, even. Now Mike, can you get us in or not?

MIK: Of course I can! It's the truth! Cut off me toes and make me walk home if I'm lyin'.

PAZ: Great, thanks Mike.

MIK: If it ain't the truth you can pour kerosene in my eyes and touch a match to it.

BUT: Okay Mike, we're with you.

MIK: Shore and if it's a lie you could take a jack hammer with a fourteen-inch mortar bit, wind that thing up and jam it up my

ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE!! Yes, we believe you!

MIK: If it's okay with Mr.Blinds, it's good by me.

(Long silent pause)

PAZ: Blinds?

BLI: MISTER Blinds to you, half-shaft. I'm thinking...what have you guys done for me lately?

BUT: Well, we didn't kill you just now, that's one thing.

PAZ: And we didn't kill you this morning, either...

BLI: What about the time you guys killed me in that meatball case?

BUT: You weren't really killed, remember? It was a sound effect.

BLI: Oh, yeah.

PAZ: So?

BLI: Oh alright I guess. But there better be a bonus this time.

PAZ: I got a bonus for you.

MIK: Okay, we can go in. But we must be ever-so-careful of the guard dogs. And the alarm, and the laser system.

BUT:Really?

MIK: Of course, really. If I'm lyin' you can take a Bosch Bulldog Hammer Drill and drill out all me teeth while I smiles at ye.

PAZ: What?

MIK: You can take a bench grinder and hold me head to it 'til you grind it to a nub.

BLI: Okay Mike, thanks.

MIK: If it ain't the truth you can fire up a chain saw, tie me to a log and cut me right up the

ALL: ALRIGHT MIKE! We believe you. Can we go now?

MIK: Sure. Right this way.