Oh sure, it's all about you, just because you got thrown through a plate glass window, fell backwards down a flight of cement stairs and into a barrel full of fish hooks!

I'm bleeding, can someone get me a styptic pencil?

I supposed you'd like a bandaid too?

BUT: We've been had!

PAZ: Butto! That's disgusting!

BUT: Not in the biblical sense! We've been hoodwinked!

PAZ: I don't follow you.

BLI: He means someone pulled the wool over our eyes!

PAZ: Figures an unreformed knitter like you would find a way to bring wool into it.

BLI: Did you think I was going to spin you a yarn Pazlo?

BUT: Blinds put down that crochet hook!

SFX:Loud crashing noises

BUT: Katrina!

BLI: Piotr!

PAZ: Zuzu!

MAR: Forget someone?

ALL: Marsh, what are YOU doing
     here?

MAR: Rescuing you numbskulls,      
     now get down!

SFX: Blazing gunfire, bazookas, Howitzers, etc.

BLI: Look out, he's got a sheet of paper!

MAST: This is your last chance Pazlo, give us Marsh or your gonna get belly full of hot lead

BLI: We haven't had a restaurant scene in 3 days, at this point that sounds pretty good

We could close it with Mastriano or Moritorium or Yahtzee holding the boys at gun point
And in bursts Marsh with Katrina and her brother to save the day. Maybe they drive Zuzu through
A wall or a door and she says
"freeze, reach for the sky!" Or some other cop cliche.
Da, be are to be coverink you. Don't move it.

MAITRE'D

MURDER

A Pazlo & Butto Adventure

GWP Productions

All Rights Reserved

June 12, 2012

Male Indian voice:
Hello, welcome to  Fastercard Customer service, this is..(shuffling paper) Mary-Anne, how is it I am to be helping you today?

Why yes sir I am...(shuffling paper)Mary-Anne.  Now what is it I can be helping you with your problem, what it is?

Yes sir I assure you that my name is (shuffling paper)Mary-Anne, can you tell what it is your problem Mr Deadbeat, I mean Mr Pay-ze-low?

PAZ (hangs up phone):
I wonder what's keeping Butto, I thought he just went downtown to get some breakfast burritos and it's almost noon!

SFX: CAR CRASH SOUNDS, SCRAPEING METAL, ETC. 

PAZ:That must be him now. 

 DOOR OPENS/SHUTS

PAZ:About time. Where are those burritos?  Mmm, I can taste the lemon meringue,bleu cheese, maple walnut, mackerel sushi, on two hickory smoked emu breasts in a rhubarb wrap.  There's nothing like the Dolly Parton Special.

BUT: Burritos?  I never got out of the parking lot. Some one parked their car in my spot, so I had it towed.

PAZ: In YOUR spot?

BUT:Yeah,it was a gold car with magenta and turquoise stripes, white sidewalls and a purple paisley surfboard tied to the roof.

PAZ: (aside about running over or hitting a surfer)

Wait a minute...THAT'S MY CAR!!!

SFX:Glass shatters, outraged woman shrieking.

PAZ: What the devil's going on in there?

BUT:It's Buxley, her aunt Flo's paying her monthly visit.

PAZ: what?

BUT:you know, she's riding the cotton pony.

PAZ:(opens door) Buxly, this is an office not a rodeo!

BUX: Shrieks, glass breaks

PAZ: (closing door)that was close. 

BUT:See, she's riding her menstrual cycle. 

SFX: Door Opens/closes.

PAZ: Marsh, what drags you out of your cushy over-upholstered office on a day like today?

MAR: Wheres that secretary of yours I gotta couple a qustions for her. 

PAZ:You can't, her Aunts pony's riding a cotton unicycle.

All: What?! 

SFX::Glass shatters.

MAR:Since I can't talk to yer secretariat, I guess I'll have to deal wit you.

PAZ:5 card stud, Jacks & deuces are wild

BUT: What the deuce are you talking about?

MAR:Whadda ya know about Dieder Dankeshoen?

PAZ:Dieder Dankeshoen?

BUT:Dr.Dieder Dankeshoen the Dirgible dude?

PAZ:I remember, Dr Dieder Dankeshoen's Durable Durigibles Guarrenteed not to pull a Hindenberg or your money back

ALL: Oh the Humanity, what savings!

MAR:No ones seen this guy for two weeks, so ya better get on it while it's still hot!

PAZ:Marsh, that's disgusting!

MAR:Not as disgusting as what'll happen if ya don't get going!

PAZ: Are you coming Marsh?

MAR:I haven't got time to clean up yer mess Pazlo, I'm going on vaca... I mean I've got bigger fish to fry

BUT:We'll have to take my Citron

PAZ: NO! I mean I'll drive.

 2 HRS LATER


PAZ:I can't believe we had to all the way downtown to get my car back

BUT:Good thing we got it out of the crusher before it was too late.

PAZ:Too late! It's half the size it used to be, this is like riding in a clown car!

BUT: I thought you always wanted a compact car.

 PAZ:Let's stop  for some java on the way.

BUT:Good idea, I could use a boost.

BARRISTA:Welcome to Fastbucks, what can I get you?

PAZ:I'll have the gigunda espressolicious mocha-java half caf decaf avacado frappé with a grapefruit twist.

BUT:Give me the ultra-monstrous brussel sprout tilapia caramel
Macchiato with a dash of anchovie paste.

PAZ: Hmm, looks like this is the building. Figures this guy would live on the 180th floor.

THREE HOURS LATER

SOMETHING ABOUT THEM CLIMBING STAIRS,WHY COULDN'T THEY TAKE THE ELEVATOR?

PAZ:The door's been dummy locked

BUT: Great, now we'll never get in!

PAZ:If we only had a dummy.

BLI:You axed for me Mr. Pazlo?

PAZ:Blinds you festering cesspit, what are YOU doing here?

BLI: Selling cheese door to door and breaking into offices, see?

PAZ:Alright Blinds, since you're such a smarty pants, you get to go in first.

BLI:Ok Pazlo, don't shove

BUT: Whew! Who cut the cheese?

BLI:That'd be me, can I interest you in some Venezuelan llama cheese?

PAZ:I'll bet some of that Titicaca Bleu would go down nice

BUT:I think I'll try the Cambodian Camembert

BLI:Look! It's Dankeshoen, he's kicked the bucket!

PAZ:Omg! It stinks,Who died in here?! (noticing body) Oh, sorry.

BUT:Paz, look what's in the bucket!

PAZ:Lemon meringue,bleu cheese, maple walnut, mackerel sushi, on two hickory smoked emu breasts in a rhubarb wrap.

BLI: The Dolly Parton Special!

PAZ: He's been poisoned

BUT:The cholesterol alone...

PAZ:What I wonder is who...

BUT:Put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop?

PAZ:No. What I was wondering was...

BLI:Who put the dip in the dip-Di-dip-Di-dip?

PAZ:No, stop that!

BLI:Di-dip.

PAZ:Shut up Blinds! You know what I don't understand ?

BUT:Quantum Physics?

PAZ:No. You know what I don't get?

BLI:A good percentage on your short term loans?

BOTH: Shut up Binds!

SFX:DOOR OPENS/CLOSES

LAT: Oh, I hope I'm not interrupt...what is that rancid stench?

PAZ: That would be Blinds.

BLI: I'm a cheese monger, see?

LAT: My name is Latrina Maycaca.

PAZ: So now we're doing bathroom humor, what could be worse?

BLI: These two politicians walk into a bar...

ALL:SHUT UP BLINDS!

PAZ: Excuse the interruption Miss Maycaca, but what ARE you doing here?

LAT: I came to see my john, I mean client,  fiancé, sorry. 

PAZ: You mean Dieter.

LAT: What? Oh, yes, Is that, OMG, is he dead?

BUT: I'm afraid so ma'am.

LAT: I guess I'll have to change my dinner plans, I mean, how awful! Did someone call the police?

PAZ: We're all over that Miss Maycaca. (Whispers) Butto, call the cops!

BUT: (Whispering) But Marsh is frying big fish.

PAZ: (Whispering) Just do it! So Miss Maycaca, ahem (out loud) So miss Maycaca...

LAT:Call me Latrina.

PAZ: Latrina, I've noticed an air about you, what is it that you do do ?

LAT:I take dict...I'm a, uh, secretary, yes, thats it, for Guano Brothers, downtown.

PAZ: Guano brothers?      

LAT: Guano Brothers, the name you can trust for all your guano needs. Remember Guano brothers; "We're number one at number two!" (Tee hee)

PAZ: Yeah, great, back to the bathroom humor.

BLI: Don't flush too fast!

PAZ: Shut up Blinds, that was from a totally different episode.

BLI: Was it?

PAZ: What's that supposed to mean?

BLI: I don't know, you tell me!

PAZ: You tell me.

BUT: I'll tell you both to shut up if it'll move the plot along.

LAT:Why don't we talk about this over dinner?

BUT:Shouldn't we wait 'til the cops show up?

BLI:They can get their own dinner!

PAZ:Alright! Dinner for two, I know a great place, do you like Albanian/Haitian/McDonald's fusion?

BUT:Hey, what about us?

PAZ:You'll have to get your own date Butto, this is serious investigative work.

BUT:Investigative my ass!

BLI:Her ass you mean.

PAZ:Shut up Blinds!

4 HOURS LATER

LAT:Oh Pazlo, this is E.Choli, the most exclusive restaurant in the city. You didn't tell me you had reservations!

PAZ: The only reservations I had was coming to this dump. 

LAT:I still don't understand why we had to drive over here in a golf cart.

PAZ: It's not a golf cart, it's a compact!

MAIT: Bonsoir madam et...Pazlo.

PAZ:(gasp) The Maitre d'! We haven't seen you since episode 1!

MAIT:I've been working, you know how eet ees, you must pay zee cable et moi smart phone, cest incroiable! Now, do you have le reservation, hmm?

PAZ: I,uh, had it somewhere. Maybe I left it in my other coat.

MAIT: I see.

BUT: Excuse us.

PAZ:Butto, Blinds, what are YOU  TWO doing here?

BUT:We have reservations.

MAIT:Ah, Monsieur Butto, how nice to see you again, et Monsieur Blinds. You're usual table?

BUT:Thanks Frank, that'll be great.

PAZ:How about a nice table for the lady and me, you know something dark and cozy?

MAIT: I have just zee thing. Right next to zee Kitchen.

SOMEHOW THEY ALL END UP AT THE SAME TABLE

SFX: Restaurant sounds from old Pazlo Episodes

PAZ:I'll have the hedgehog ceviche with creméed toadstools for an appetizer and the maple-guava walrus steak, medium rare, a side of the sardine and merangue mashed potatoes and broccoli. The lady will have the same.

BLI: Oh, it's me? Ummm, I never know what to get!
I think I'll try the snicker doodle-Weiner schnitzel and the
Wasabi warthog cheeks with mocha-caramel camel chunks.

BUT: I guess I'll have the Portugese Man o' war flambé, Seagull beaks & claws au gratin
And Moroccan Malarky on the side.

PAZ:How can you afford to pay for all this on your salary?

BUT: Fastercard, how else.

PAZ: I didn't know you had a...Hey, wait a minute!

BUT:Here comes the waiter with our wine.

WAIT:This is zee good stuff.

BUT:How do you know?

WAIT:Eet says so on zee bottle.

PAZ: I say poppycock!  Not often, it's kind of hard to work it into the conversation.

BUT:Coffee's so thick you can eat it with a fork.



BUT:Yes, yes, it's an age old story, the cheese stands alone.

Cheese it, the cops!

I thought Marsh was on vacation?

Blinds, put down that Limburger  it's loaded!

Everybody down!

What? (Huge explosion)

Koff, koff, is everyone ok?

I'm not

Blinds, you're still alive? I guess we should call an ambulance

Aww, do I have to?

If this keeps up it'll be bedtime for Bonzo!

Enough about Regenomics, we gotta get out of here!

BUT:Blah, blah, blah..número UNO

PAZ:This isn't a card game Butto

BLI:Yahtzee!

PAZ:Shut up Blinds!

BLI: But it’s Dr. Yahtzee!

BUT:Dr. Yahtzee?  I thought he was the Bulgarian cleaning woman?

PAZ:And just how do you know what a Hungarian cleaning woman looks like?

BUT:Not Hungarian, Bulgarian!  You know, overweight, smells like garlic & beets, has a mustache.

PAZ:Beets have mustaches?

BLI:Not the point!

YAH: Greetings Herr Pazlo.

PAZ: Dr. Yahtzee!

YAH: The same. It has been a long time since...High school.

PAZ: How did you find us?

YAH: I saw your rediculous go-cart parked outside.

PAZ: Its not a go-cart, it’s a compact!

YAH:It doesn’t matter.  You won’t be needing it afer I’m done with you, but first, you’ll tell me all I want to know.

PAZ: Forget it Yatz, I’ll never sing!

YAH:You'll change your tune, when I've tied you to my rollicking Carosel of Death!

SFX:Carosel music in bg.

BUT:You'll never get away with this!

BLI:I...I won't?

PAZ: Not you you idiot!

BLI: But I wanna ride the pink elephant!

BUT: I’m getting dizzy, I think I’m gonna hurl!

YAH: I haven’t put you on the carosel yet.

BUT: I just got an email from the HR Lady.

PAZ: HR PERSON.

BUT: The script girl filed a grievance!

PAZ: Another one?

BLI: You missed the schedualed meeting about her time off.

BUT: Time off? She wants time off for Pilates!

BLI: I had pilates once, I had to sit on this donut shaped cushion and pu ointment on my

PAZ: That'll be enough out of you!

BUT: I don't understand how management works. Crap, theres phone messages too, listen!

SFX: BEEP

SHEILA: Hello Mr. Beuto, this is Sheila from Human Resources again. I haven't recieved a call or an email from you in two days regarding Ms Janson's Pilates issue.  We really need to resolve this urgent matter as soon as possible.  You can reach me at extension 2258, thanks.

SFX: BEEP

SHE:Mr. Beuto, this is Sheila from Human Resources again.  You have not returned my calls or emails about this Pilates problem and we really need to put this behind us.  Moving forward, can I pencil you in for a meeting on Teeuesday the 27th at 1:00 pm?
I've spoken with Mr. Blinds and he is completely on  board aith this, I'd like to think that you're a team player as well and I'd certainly hate to bring this matter up at the next board meeting...
So, we'll be seeing you on Teeuesday at one then, ok? Ok Byee.

PAZ: Heavy lies the head that wears the crown...

BUT: Shut up Paz.

Since we've established Blinds was a Knitter, we could give him some lines like
"Oh knit!" or "Knit or get off the pot!"
I don't know enough knitting/crocheting terminology.  Crochet hooks, knitting needles, knit one perl two, etc.
Maybe he minored in Needlepoint in college.

SFX: Theme Music.

BUT: During the commercial we maneuvered  around the guard dogs , the alarm and the lasers, and found our selves in Moritorium's bowels, er, I mean in the bowels of Moritorium's warehouse. 

MIK:An' like me mutter used to say, if ye don't believe me ye can cut off me feet and make me walk a mile on burning coal beds.

PAZ: That's just wonderful Mike, but I'm sure we can find our own way around.

BUT: Yeah, you know how it is, if you've seen one warehouse you've seen 'em all.

PAZ: (Whispering) I think we can outrun him, lets make a break for it. (Out Loud)Well Mike thanks for all the help, but I think we can take it from here.
(Whispers) Run!

SFX: Running footsteps

MIK: (Fading) And if ye don't believe that you can cut me tongue out, roast it over an open fire and make me play 20 questions...


PAZ: Another warehouse, I'm starting to see a pattern.

BUT: Pattern? Paz, the last time we were in a warehouse

PAZ: Ooh, ooh! I know, it was in Halifax!

BUT: Umm, yeah. Funny we should end up in another warehouse, I guess the writer's couldn't come up with a better plot point.

PAZ: It's always worked in the past. Ah ha, here's the door.

BUT: How do you know?

PAZ: How do I know what?

BUT: Don't start that again, how do you know it's Moritorium's door?

PAZ:It has his name on it.. Uh oh, it's locked.

BUT: Dummy locked..

BLI: Now we'll never get in!

SFX: Rattling key like noises.

PAZ: There.

BUT: You opened it

PAZ:Just like shootin' monkeys in a barrel.

BUT:How do they get those monkey's in there anyway?

PAZ:Who's in charge of Monkey-barreling?

BLI:Isn't it supposed to be fish?

PAZ:Don't be ridiculous, you can't stuff monkey's in a fish!

BUT:Have you been smoking almonds again? 

BLI:What? No! 

PAZ:Give him a breathalyzer! 

BUT:Here pee into this cup. 

BLI:No! How dare you!

BUT: Oh, my bad.

PAZ: Your bad what?

BUT: What?

PAZ: Or are you saying YOU'RE bad

BUT: My bad what?

PAZ: That's what I said

BL: No, that's what SHE said (Laughes)

PAZ: That's it! I'm gonna punch your ticket cause you're takin' a one way ride to palookaville!

SFX: Door creaking.

MORITORIUM: Well, well, well, if it isn't my old nemesis Pazlo. I see you've brought the Butcher with you.

BLI: Don't forget me, hi Morty!

MORI: Blinds you rancid grease stain, what are you doing here?

BLI: Rescuing officers, see?

PAZ: That's what I've been saying since episode 4! Why doesn't anyone listen to me?

BUT: What have you done with Marsh?

BLI: He owes me money!

PAZ: Fer cryin' out loud, I'll give you the $5 if you'll just shut up!

MORI: Oh, I've got something special in mind for Victor.

BUT: Don't do it, do not do the evil laugh or I will pepper spray you!

SFX: Pssst!

BLI: Ow! My eyes!

BUT: Oops, sorry Blinds, I got a little excited, new pepper spray, y'know how it is.

BLI: No, how is it?!

BUT: Like this

SFX: Pssst!

BLI: You jerk you sprayed me again, I can't see!

PAZ: So now you're blind...Blinds? I crack myself up!