MAITRE'D
MURDER
A Pazlo & Butto Adventure
GWP Productions
All Rights Reserved
June 12, 2012
Male Indian voice:
Hello, welcome to Fastercard Customer service, this is..(shuffling paper) Mary-Anne, how is it I am to be helping you today?
Why yes sir I am...(shuffling paper)Mary-Anne. Now what is it I can be helping you with your problem, what it is?
Yes sir I assure you that my name is (shuffling paper)Mary-Anne, can you tell what it is your problem Mr Deadbeat, I mean Mr Pay-ze-low?
PAZ (hangs up phone):
I wonder what's keeping Butto, I thought he just went downtown to get some breakfast burritos and it's almost noon!
SFX: CAR CRASH SOUNDS, SCRAPEING METAL, ETC.
PAZ:That must be him now.
DOOR OPENS/SHUTS
PAZ:About time. Where are those burritos? Mmm, I can taste the lemon meringue,bleu cheese, maple walnut, mackerel sushi, on two hickory smoked emu breasts in a rhubarb wrap. There's nothing like the Dolly Parton Special.
BUT: Burritos? I never got out of the parking lot. Some one parked their car in my spot, so I had it towed.
PAZ: In YOUR spot?
BUT:Yeah,it was a gold car with magenta and turquoise stripes, white sidewalls and a purple paisley surfboard tied to the roof.
PAZ: (aside about running over or hitting a surfer)
Wait a minute...THAT'S MY CAR!!!
SFX:Glass shatters, outraged woman shrieking.
Hello, welcome to Fastercard Customer service, this is..(shuffling paper) Mary-Anne, how is it I am to be helping you today?
Why yes sir I am...(shuffling paper)Mary-Anne. Now what is it I can be helping you with your problem, what it is?
Yes sir I assure you that my name is (shuffling paper)Mary-Anne, can you tell what it is your problem Mr Deadbeat, I mean Mr Pay-ze-low?
PAZ (hangs up phone):
I wonder what's keeping Butto, I thought he just went downtown to get some breakfast burritos and it's almost noon!
SFX: CAR CRASH SOUNDS, SCRAPEING METAL, ETC.
PAZ:That must be him now.
DOOR OPENS/SHUTS
PAZ:About time. Where are those burritos? Mmm, I can taste the lemon meringue,bleu cheese, maple walnut, mackerel sushi, on two hickory smoked emu breasts in a rhubarb wrap. There's nothing like the Dolly Parton Special.
BUT: Burritos? I never got out of the parking lot. Some one parked their car in my spot, so I had it towed.
PAZ: In YOUR spot?
BUT:Yeah,it was a gold car with magenta and turquoise stripes, white sidewalls and a purple paisley surfboard tied to the roof.
PAZ: (aside about running over or hitting a surfer)
Wait a minute...THAT'S MY CAR!!!
SFX:Glass shatters, outraged woman shrieking.
PAZ: What the devil's going on in there?
BUT:It's Buxley, her aunt Flo's paying her monthly visit.
PAZ: what?
BUT:you know, she's riding the cotton pony.
PAZ:(opens door) Buxly, this is an office not a rodeo!
BUX: Shrieks, glass breaks
PAZ: (closing door)that was close.
BUT:See, she's riding her menstrual cycle.
SFX: Door Opens/closes.
PAZ: Marsh, what drags you out of your cushy over-upholstered office on a day like today?
MAR: Wheres that secretary of yours I gotta couple a qustions for her.
PAZ:You can't, her Aunts pony's riding a cotton unicycle.
All: What?!
SFX::Glass shatters.
MAR:Since I can't talk to yer secretariat, I guess I'll have to deal wit you.
PAZ:5 card stud, Jacks & deuces are wild
BUT: What the deuce are you talking about?
MAR:Whadda ya know about Dieder Dankeshoen?
PAZ:Dieder Dankeshoen?
BUT:Dr.Dieder Dankeshoen the Dirgible dude?
PAZ:I remember, Dr Dieder Dankeshoen's Durable Durigibles Guarrenteed not to pull a Hindenberg or your money back
ALL: Oh the Humanity, what savings!
MAR:No ones seen this guy for two weeks, so ya better get on it while it's still hot!
PAZ:Marsh, that's disgusting!
MAR:Not as disgusting as what'll happen if ya don't get going!
PAZ: Are you coming Marsh?
MAR:I haven't got time to clean up yer mess Pazlo, I'm going on vaca... I mean I've got bigger fish to fry
BUT:We'll have to take my Citron
PAZ: NO! I mean I'll drive.
2 HRS LATER
PAZ:I can't believe we had to all the way downtown to get my car back
BUT:Good thing we got it out of the crusher before it was too late.
PAZ:Too late! It's half the size it used to be, this is like riding in a clown car!
BUT: I thought you always wanted a compact car.
PAZ:Let's stop for some java on the way.
BUT:Good idea, I could use a boost.
BARRISTA:Welcome to Fastbucks, what can I get you?
PAZ:I'll have the gigunda espressolicious mocha-java half caf decaf avacado frappé with a grapefruit twist.
BUT:Give me the ultra-monstrous brussel sprout tilapia caramel
Macchiato with a dash of anchovie paste.
PAZ: Hmm, looks like this is the building. Figures this guy would live on the 180th floor.
THREE HOURS LATER
SOMETHING ABOUT THEM CLIMBING STAIRS,WHY COULDN'T THEY TAKE THE ELEVATOR?
PAZ:The door's been dummy locked
BUT: Great, now we'll never get in!
PAZ:If we only had a dummy.
BLI:You axed for me Mr. Pazlo?
PAZ:Blinds you festering cesspit, what are YOU doing here?
BLI: Selling cheese door to door and breaking into offices, see?
PAZ:Alright Blinds, since you're such a smarty pants, you get to go in first.
BLI:Ok Pazlo, don't shove
BUT: Whew! Who cut the cheese?
BLI:That'd be me, can I interest you in some Venezuelan llama cheese?
PAZ:I'll bet some of that Titicaca Bleu would go down nice
BUT:I think I'll try the Cambodian Camembert
BLI:Look! It's Dankeshoen, he's kicked the bucket!
PAZ:Omg! It stinks,Who died in here?! (noticing body) Oh, sorry.
BUT:Paz, look what's in the bucket!
PAZ:Lemon meringue,bleu cheese, maple walnut, mackerel sushi, on two hickory smoked emu breasts in a rhubarb wrap.
BLI: The Dolly Parton Special!
PAZ: He's been poisoned
BUT:The cholesterol alone...
PAZ:What I wonder is who...
BUT:Put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop?
PAZ:No. What I was wondering was...
BLI:Who put the dip in the dip-Di-dip-Di-dip?
PAZ:No, stop that!
BLI:Di-dip.
PAZ:Shut up Blinds! You know what I don't understand ?
BUT:Quantum Physics?
PAZ:No. You know what I don't get?
BLI:A good percentage on your short term loans?
BOTH: Shut up Binds!
SFX:DOOR OPENS/CLOSES
LAT: Oh, I hope I'm not interrupt...what is that rancid stench?
PAZ: That would be Blinds.
BLI: I'm a cheese monger, see?
LAT: My name is Latrina Maycaca.
PAZ: So now we're doing bathroom humor, what could be worse?
BLI: These two politicians walk into a bar...
ALL:SHUT UP BLINDS!
PAZ: Excuse the interruption Miss Maycaca, but what ARE you doing here?
LAT: I came to see my john, I mean client, fiancé, sorry.
PAZ: You mean Dieter.
LAT: What? Oh, yes, Is that, OMG, is he dead?
BUT: I'm afraid so ma'am.
LAT: I guess I'll have to change my dinner plans, I mean, how awful! Did someone call the police?
PAZ: We're all over that Miss Maycaca. (Whispers) Butto, call the cops!
BUT: (Whispering) But Marsh is frying big fish.
PAZ: (Whispering) Just do it! So Miss Maycaca, ahem (out loud) So miss Maycaca...
LAT:Call me Latrina.
PAZ: Latrina, I've noticed an air about you, what is it that you do do ?
LAT:I take dict...I'm a, uh, secretary, yes, thats it, for Guano Brothers, downtown.
PAZ: Guano brothers?
LAT: Guano Brothers, the name you can trust for all your guano needs. Remember Guano brothers; "We're number one at number two!" (Tee hee)
PAZ: Yeah, great, back to the bathroom humor.
BLI: Don't flush too fast!
PAZ: Shut up Blinds, that was from a totally different episode.
BLI: Was it?
PAZ: What's that supposed to mean?
BLI: I don't know, you tell me!
PAZ: You tell me.
BUT: I'll tell you both to shut up if it'll move the plot along.
LAT:Why don't we talk about this over dinner?
BUT:Shouldn't we wait 'til the cops show up?
BLI:They can get their own dinner!
PAZ:Alright! Dinner for two, I know a great place, do you like Albanian/Haitian/McDonald's fusion?
BUT:Hey, what about us?
PAZ:You'll have to get your own date Butto, this is serious investigative work.
BUT:Investigative my ass!
BLI:Her ass you mean.
PAZ:Shut up Blinds!
4 HOURS LATER
LAT:Oh Pazlo, this is E.Choli, the most exclusive restaurant in the city. You didn't tell me you had reservations!
PAZ: The only reservations I had was coming to this dump.
LAT:I still don't understand why we had to drive over here in a golf cart.
PAZ: It's not a golf cart, it's a compact!
MAIT: Bonsoir madam et...Pazlo.
PAZ:(gasp) The Maitre d'! We haven't seen you since episode 1!
MAIT:I've been working, you know how eet ees, you must pay zee cable et moi smart phone, cest incroiable! Now, do you have le reservation, hmm?
PAZ: I,uh, had it somewhere. Maybe I left it in my other coat.
MAIT: I see.
BUT: Excuse us.
PAZ:Butto, Blinds, what are YOU TWO doing here?
BUT:We have reservations.
MAIT:Ah, Monsieur Butto, how nice to see you again, et Monsieur Blinds. You're usual table?
BUT:Thanks Frank, that'll be great.
PAZ:How about a nice table for the lady and me, you know something dark and cozy?
MAIT: I have just zee thing. Right next to zee Kitchen.
SOMEHOW THEY ALL END UP AT THE SAME TABLE
SFX: Restaurant sounds from old Pazlo Episodes
PAZ:I'll have the hedgehog ceviche with creméed toadstools for an appetizer and the maple-guava walrus steak, medium rare, a side of the sardine and merangue mashed potatoes and broccoli. The lady will have the same.
BLI: Oh, it's me? Ummm, I never know what to get!
I think I'll try the snicker doodle-Weiner schnitzel and the
Wasabi warthog cheeks with mocha-caramel camel chunks.
BUT: I guess I'll have the Portugese Man o' war flambé, Seagull beaks & claws au gratin
And Moroccan Malarky on the side.
PAZ:How can you afford to pay for all this on your salary?
BUT: Fastercard, how else.
PAZ: I didn't know you had a...Hey, wait a minute!
BUT:Here comes the waiter with our wine.
WAIT:This is zee good stuff.
BUT:How do you know?
WAIT:Eet says so on zee bottle.
PAZ: I say poppycock! Not often, it's kind of hard to work it into the conversation.
BUT:Coffee's so thick you can eat it with a fork.
BUT:Yes, yes, it's an age old story, the cheese stands alone.
Cheese it, the cops!
I thought Marsh was on vacation?
Blinds, put down that Limburger it's loaded!
Everybody down!
What? (Huge explosion)
Koff, koff, is everyone ok?
I'm not
Blinds, you're still alive? I guess we should call an ambulance
Aww, do I have to?
If this keeps up it'll be bedtime for Bonzo!
Enough about Regenomics, we gotta get out of here!
BUT:Blah, blah, blah..número UNO
PAZ:This isn't a card game Butto
BLI:Yahtzee!
PAZ:Shut up Blinds!
PAZ:You can't, her Aunts pony's riding a cotton unicycle.
All: What?!
SFX::Glass shatters.
MAR:Since I can't talk to yer secretariat, I guess I'll have to deal wit you.
PAZ:5 card stud, Jacks & deuces are wild
BUT: What the deuce are you talking about?
MAR:Whadda ya know about Dieder Dankeshoen?
PAZ:Dieder Dankeshoen?
BUT:Dr.Dieder Dankeshoen the Dirgible dude?
PAZ:I remember, Dr Dieder Dankeshoen's Durable Durigibles Guarrenteed not to pull a Hindenberg or your money back
ALL: Oh the Humanity, what savings!
MAR:No ones seen this guy for two weeks, so ya better get on it while it's still hot!
PAZ:Marsh, that's disgusting!
MAR:Not as disgusting as what'll happen if ya don't get going!
PAZ: Are you coming Marsh?
MAR:I haven't got time to clean up yer mess Pazlo, I'm going on vaca... I mean I've got bigger fish to fry
BUT:We'll have to take my Citron
PAZ: NO! I mean I'll drive.
2 HRS LATER
PAZ:I can't believe we had to all the way downtown to get my car back
BUT:Good thing we got it out of the crusher before it was too late.
PAZ:Too late! It's half the size it used to be, this is like riding in a clown car!
BUT: I thought you always wanted a compact car.
PAZ:Let's stop for some java on the way.
BUT:Good idea, I could use a boost.
BARRISTA:Welcome to Fastbucks, what can I get you?
PAZ:I'll have the gigunda espressolicious mocha-java half caf decaf avacado frappé with a grapefruit twist.
BUT:Give me the ultra-monstrous brussel sprout tilapia caramel
Macchiato with a dash of anchovie paste.
PAZ: Hmm, looks like this is the building. Figures this guy would live on the 180th floor.
THREE HOURS LATER
SOMETHING ABOUT THEM CLIMBING STAIRS,WHY COULDN'T THEY TAKE THE ELEVATOR?
PAZ:The door's been dummy locked
BUT: Great, now we'll never get in!
PAZ:If we only had a dummy.
BLI:You axed for me Mr. Pazlo?
PAZ:Blinds you festering cesspit, what are YOU doing here?
BLI: Selling cheese door to door and breaking into offices, see?
PAZ:Alright Blinds, since you're such a smarty pants, you get to go in first.
BLI:Ok Pazlo, don't shove
BUT: Whew! Who cut the cheese?
BLI:That'd be me, can I interest you in some Venezuelan llama cheese?
PAZ:I'll bet some of that Titicaca Bleu would go down nice
BUT:I think I'll try the Cambodian Camembert
BLI:Look! It's Dankeshoen, he's kicked the bucket!
PAZ:Omg! It stinks,Who died in here?! (noticing body) Oh, sorry.
BUT:Paz, look what's in the bucket!
PAZ:Lemon meringue,bleu cheese, maple walnut, mackerel sushi, on two hickory smoked emu breasts in a rhubarb wrap.
BLI: The Dolly Parton Special!
PAZ: He's been poisoned
BUT:The cholesterol alone...
PAZ:What I wonder is who...
BUT:Put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop?
PAZ:No. What I was wondering was...
BLI:Who put the dip in the dip-Di-dip-Di-dip?
PAZ:No, stop that!
BLI:Di-dip.
PAZ:Shut up Blinds! You know what I don't understand ?
BUT:Quantum Physics?
PAZ:No. You know what I don't get?
BLI:A good percentage on your short term loans?
BOTH: Shut up Binds!
SFX:DOOR OPENS/CLOSES
LAT: Oh, I hope I'm not interrupt...what is that rancid stench?
PAZ: That would be Blinds.
BLI: I'm a cheese monger, see?
LAT: My name is Latrina Maycaca.
PAZ: So now we're doing bathroom humor, what could be worse?
BLI: These two politicians walk into a bar...
ALL:SHUT UP BLINDS!
PAZ: Excuse the interruption Miss Maycaca, but what ARE you doing here?
LAT: I came to see my john, I mean client, fiancé, sorry.
PAZ: You mean Dieter.
LAT: What? Oh, yes, Is that, OMG, is he dead?
BUT: I'm afraid so ma'am.
LAT: I guess I'll have to change my dinner plans, I mean, how awful! Did someone call the police?
PAZ: We're all over that Miss Maycaca. (Whispers) Butto, call the cops!
BUT: (Whispering) But Marsh is frying big fish.
PAZ: (Whispering) Just do it! So Miss Maycaca, ahem (out loud) So miss Maycaca...
LAT:Call me Latrina.
PAZ: Latrina, I've noticed an air about you, what is it that you do do ?
LAT:I take dict...I'm a, uh, secretary, yes, thats it, for Guano Brothers, downtown.
PAZ: Guano brothers?
LAT: Guano Brothers, the name you can trust for all your guano needs. Remember Guano brothers; "We're number one at number two!" (Tee hee)
PAZ: Yeah, great, back to the bathroom humor.
BLI: Don't flush too fast!
PAZ: Shut up Blinds, that was from a totally different episode.
BLI: Was it?
PAZ: What's that supposed to mean?
BLI: I don't know, you tell me!
PAZ: You tell me.
BUT: I'll tell you both to shut up if it'll move the plot along.
LAT:Why don't we talk about this over dinner?
BUT:Shouldn't we wait 'til the cops show up?
BLI:They can get their own dinner!
PAZ:Alright! Dinner for two, I know a great place, do you like Albanian/Haitian/McDonald's fusion?
BUT:Hey, what about us?
PAZ:You'll have to get your own date Butto, this is serious investigative work.
BUT:Investigative my ass!
BLI:Her ass you mean.
PAZ:Shut up Blinds!
4 HOURS LATER
LAT:Oh Pazlo, this is E.Choli, the most exclusive restaurant in the city. You didn't tell me you had reservations!
PAZ: The only reservations I had was coming to this dump.
LAT:I still don't understand why we had to drive over here in a golf cart.
PAZ: It's not a golf cart, it's a compact!
MAIT: Bonsoir madam et...Pazlo.
PAZ:(gasp) The Maitre d'! We haven't seen you since episode 1!
MAIT:I've been working, you know how eet ees, you must pay zee cable et moi smart phone, cest incroiable! Now, do you have le reservation, hmm?
PAZ: I,uh, had it somewhere. Maybe I left it in my other coat.
MAIT: I see.
BUT: Excuse us.
PAZ:Butto, Blinds, what are YOU TWO doing here?
BUT:We have reservations.
MAIT:Ah, Monsieur Butto, how nice to see you again, et Monsieur Blinds. You're usual table?
BUT:Thanks Frank, that'll be great.
PAZ:How about a nice table for the lady and me, you know something dark and cozy?
MAIT: I have just zee thing. Right next to zee Kitchen.
SOMEHOW THEY ALL END UP AT THE SAME TABLE
SFX: Restaurant sounds from old Pazlo Episodes
PAZ:I'll have the hedgehog ceviche with creméed toadstools for an appetizer and the maple-guava walrus steak, medium rare, a side of the sardine and merangue mashed potatoes and broccoli. The lady will have the same.
BLI: Oh, it's me? Ummm, I never know what to get!
I think I'll try the snicker doodle-Weiner schnitzel and the
Wasabi warthog cheeks with mocha-caramel camel chunks.
BUT: I guess I'll have the Portugese Man o' war flambé, Seagull beaks & claws au gratin
And Moroccan Malarky on the side.
PAZ:How can you afford to pay for all this on your salary?
BUT: Fastercard, how else.
PAZ: I didn't know you had a...Hey, wait a minute!
BUT:Here comes the waiter with our wine.
WAIT:This is zee good stuff.
BUT:How do you know?
WAIT:Eet says so on zee bottle.
PAZ: I say poppycock! Not often, it's kind of hard to work it into the conversation.
BUT:Coffee's so thick you can eat it with a fork.
BUT:Yes, yes, it's an age old story, the cheese stands alone.
Cheese it, the cops!
I thought Marsh was on vacation?
Blinds, put down that Limburger it's loaded!
Everybody down!
What? (Huge explosion)
Koff, koff, is everyone ok?
I'm not
Blinds, you're still alive? I guess we should call an ambulance
Aww, do I have to?
If this keeps up it'll be bedtime for Bonzo!
Enough about Regenomics, we gotta get out of here!
BUT:Blah, blah, blah..número UNO
PAZ:This isn't a card game Butto
BLI:Yahtzee!
PAZ:Shut up Blinds!
BLI: But it’s Dr. Yahtzee!
BUT:Dr. Yahtzee? I thought he was the Bulgarian cleaning woman?
PAZ:And just how do you know what a Hungarian cleaning woman looks like?
BUT:Not Hungarian, Bulgarian! You know, overweight, smells like garlic & beets, has a mustache.
PAZ:Beets have mustaches?
BLI:Not the point!
YAH: Greetings Herr Pazlo.
BUT:Dr. Yahtzee? I thought he was the Bulgarian cleaning woman?
PAZ:And just how do you know what a Hungarian cleaning woman looks like?
BUT:Not Hungarian, Bulgarian! You know, overweight, smells like garlic & beets, has a mustache.
PAZ:Beets have mustaches?
BLI:Not the point!
YAH: Greetings Herr Pazlo.
PAZ: Dr. Yahtzee!
YAH: The same. It has been a long time since...High school.
PAZ: How did you find us?
YAH: I saw your rediculous go-cart parked outside.
PAZ: Its not a go-cart, it’s a compact!
YAH:It doesn’t matter. You won’t be needing it afer I’m done with you, but first, you’ll tell me all I want to know.
PAZ: Forget it Yatz, I’ll never sing!
YAH:You'll change your tune, when I've tied you to my rollicking Carosel of Death!
SFX:Carosel music in bg.
BUT:You'll never get away with this!
BLI:I...I won't?
SFX:Carosel music in bg.
BUT:You'll never get away with this!
BLI:I...I won't?
PAZ: Not you you idiot!
BLI: But I wanna ride the pink elephant!
BUT: I’m getting dizzy, I think I’m gonna hurl!
YAH: I haven’t put you on the carosel yet.
